ataris - in this diary

well, today sort of sucked, and then it turned into another one of those summer nights. first, tuey and brandon and cole and brenda all came by, to pick up cole's cd before they dropped him off at the bus. he was knocking at the door and my music was up loud so i barely heard him. and while i was opening the door tuey walked in through my garage. i love her... she's my only friend who has enough confidance to just walk in. i encourage everyone to do it.. but only she does.. so yeah.
after that it got kinda boring again and i started missing elaina. but that didn't last too long 'cause aaron and josh picked me up and we went to celebration park with this girl josh likes, megan, and evan. they tossed around a football, evan and i soaked each other with water, and we hung out on evan's... suv/jeep thing. whatever it is. so then we went to redondo, and megan and i ran under the boardwalk and got completely soaked. evan and i both ran into people and spent a lot of time making fun of josh. on our way home evan 'n i stopped at qfc (he was hungry). so we got food and sat at one of the tables in the deli, and ate our food in the practically deserted qfc. it was really cool. (me and my rose tinted lenses.) and then i came home. and here i am. it was... a really, really good night. i don't spend enough time with the guys anymore. i want to change that. the thing is, we've got different interests. yeah, nights like these can still happen. but there's still this.. gap, between us, because i'm not opposed to drinking and smoking. well, whatever. i still love them, and they haven't had too big of a problem with me yet.
i really, really hope i have more nights like this this summer. calm, uneventful, innocent, and unbelievably fun.

the briggs - devil's playground

richardbinkley69: did u know that u look so sexy
richardbinkley69: ...
richardbinkley69: wen u smile at me
missinglunchbox: heh. cool.
richardbinkley69: no like wen im far away and u helpin someone at work and u look at me and smile, the way u do it, its kinda sexy

wow. cool! it's not every day i get random compliments like that, especially from someone like richard.
other than that, pierced my ears again today, so i've got 3 in one ear and 2 in the other, and in 2 months hopefully the infected one will be better and i can pierce it again. i love piercings, you know. well duh, i always have. but i mean... there's just something incredibly sexy about pieces of metal jutting out of someone's skin. haha, doesn't that sound vulgar? but... i mean, you could take the most beautiful person on earth, add a couple small silver studs and hoops to their ears, and a tongue ring, and they would be irresistable.
tattoos, well, i don't know exactly how i feel about them. i want one, yeah. but it has to be done right. working at wild waves, i've seen a lot of really bad tattoos. and i'm starting to get hesitant about getting one. anyway, if i do get some, i know what they'll be. a lizard on my hip, thin and snaky and kinda twisted. like, the sobe lizards. and on my shoulder, i don't know how i'd work it out, but i'm thinking some kind of stylized dragonfly.
if we all told each other all the good things we've ever thought about that person, we'd all be walking around with a permanent smile on our face.

oh and when we left luke's yesterday, i was kinda almost-passed out in tuey's minivan but my job was to hold the alcohol and make sure it didn't spill. (oops... haha) anyway brandon was the last person out, and he forgot to close luke's door. so when luek's mom got home she found the door wide open, the house smelling like alcohol (i suppose.. or she found some empty bottles and smelled my vomit.. whatever). so she called luke and was freaking out saying someone broke into their house and was drinking and smoking (we laughed at that 'cause we didn't smoke at all over there). so when tuey dropped him off at 11 he was kinda freaked out 'cause he was still high and he knew he was gonna die. and also when we were driving people home we laughed 'cause we saw these kids drinking by the side of the road and they sorta tried to hide their drinks. and it was hilarious 'cause here we were driving around drunk/high and not giving a shit even tho if tuey got pulled over she'd be screwed in every way you could possibly think.

so... anyone, any guesses what i did today? well, for one, i got really, truly drunk for the first time ever. and two, i got really really high for the first time since march. good combination, huh?? yep... anyway, i remember some of what happened, but not all. brandon kept wanting to be spiderman, then for some reason he started swimming on the floor. i tried to use him for a surfboard. oh, and i'm a pretty bad lightweight for just about everything... so by the time tuey finally got there i was pretty wasted. haha, i remember, later, when brandon was laying on the floor and i was standing over him, i just sorta puked out of nowhere on the floor above him. not very much at all, but still, stuff came out. everyone sorta freaked out but it didn't happen again, and tuey and i got into the whole happy bunny "hey you just made me puke a little". later, while we were watching shrek (high), cole seriously thought he was a knight off to slay the dragon. he just kinda sat there, zoned out, every once in a while asking for help on his quest.
so now i feel kinda sleepy, throat's a little dry, brain a little fuzzy. thinking i could definitely benefit from a shower.

so tonight i went shopping with brent. which was cool, first of all, because we got along and he pushed me around in the shopping cart and tried to run me over a couple times. so yeah, we bought a crap load of soda, enough to by far and away last us this weekend. which, by the way, is going to kick ass because he doesn't really care what we do.
anyway about the shopping. brent basically ditched me to go look at computer games, so it was up to me to walk out and put the groceries in the car and... well, it was really cool, going out there by myself, opening the trunk, loading the groceries, putting the cart away... i felt so mature. nothing is like the feeling that you were trusted to go out and buy food... or at least, knowing that's what everyone else thinks.

SailorBttrfly: how was your day
missinglunchbox: wonderful
missinglunchbox: work was dumb of course
missinglunchbox: but then i went to alan's for like.. an hour and a half
missinglunchbox: and saw people and loved people and had a wonderful time
SailorBttrfly: cool
SailorBttrfly: good for you
missinglunchbox: and got to ride home with a jeep, top down, starin up at the stars
missinglunchbox: beautiful.

that's how it went, basically. woke up a little too early, though, and ended up falling asleep around 12 and woke up at one completely wasted and was like... shit... not good. so i almost died on my feet all day, and now that it's night again, i'm wide awake. figures. and brent's right. i have nothing to complain about. my life is wonderful, and sure there are some things that would be nice if they happened, but for the most part... i just need to kick back and let it happen, because no matter what, it's going to be great.

rawr dids. cole eats kids.
yes... these are the days i've been waiting for.... good, great stuff all day long, enjoyed every minute of it. the best part was right after the movie, when cole dumped the bucket of popcorn on my head and threw his soda at me. i beat him up with the empty bucket. and... well yeah, it was fun. cole and brandon get along great (cole's spending the night at his house and is going home tomorrow). they spent tons of time leaving me and tuey out so they could talk about gaming and movies they've seen. then cole and tuey hit it off with... oh wow i forgot, something they have in common... i remember it 'cause i was like "hey now... cole's my friend, what are you doing getting along with him better than me?" but that's not bad. i'm glad it worked like that. it cheers my heart to see the people i love most in this world getting along so well. ... it gives me hope, that i could introduce everyone in my life to each other, and i wouldn't have to take sides.
tuey found where i stashed my ruined keyboards. "dude, i look over both my shoulders, and it's like a keyboard war zone back there!"

i said i needed friday off, only to find out this morning that she doesn't need me on friday... so i could try to find the number to wild waves and tell them not to bother with my schedule... or just figure, screw it, i'll take what they give me. i think i'm gonna screw it.

saturday, april 19, 2003. 2:54 pm. when i was really little, 3 or 4 or so, i got a really bad ear infection. my mom had gone out with some friends for the night after putting me to sleep. i woke up in pain and began yelling for my mom. my dad, being the experienced parent, thought i just missed my mommy. so he let me cry. and i did. i thought my parents didn't care about me, that they were being cruel and punishing me for something i did wrong. i think that's my earliest memory, and definitely one of my clearest. i was terrified. i think that's where my fear of abandonment might've come from. i'm always scared that the people closest to me don't really care about what's happening to me. that someday they'll just decide i'm not worth it. they'll discover my fears and weaknesses, and they'll be cruel and use them against me. i'm scared that someday my mom won't come home, comfort me, tell me it's all going to be okay, and take me to the doctor to make it all better.

cole's going to come over today! i go to job training in about an hour, and when i get off at two, he'll be here. he's coming with my mom to pick me up. i have no idea what we're going to do, but hey, he'll be here! that's all that matters. we'll figure out the rest when we need to.

i have this notebook. i write in it off and on, usually when i have things on my mind that i don't want to put up here. i wrote in it a lot toward the end of april, when the whole sam thing was going on. i felt like reading what was going through my head then, and i found this. it's cool. sorry i can't use the right signs and stuff, my keyboard's still broken.

sunday, may 4, 2003. 7;26 am. strange dream last night. first it was cole and liz and tobias in my room, cole was begging for drugs and tobias whipped out a big ol' bag of some kind of halucinogen. so me, cole, and tobias took some, then ended up being lectured about exchange students from a third world country. so cole turned into devon and we were giggling like mad and it was pretty funny. somehow i ended up in a field with nick, and he was telling me about this one time he spontaneously went skinny dipping with one of his gay friends. some girls showed up and were acting really weird so we walked away. i asked nick my grass question -where does grass grow naturally- but he couldn't answer. he left me in the school parking lot, and it was really dark outside. i went into the school and everyone was in the cafeteria, and the walls were covered in graffiti. something was wrong with wendy. she was crying. she told me she had walked up to josh -'cause he's single now- and at first said she was just talking to him and he slapped her. she was really upset because -i was thinking this- she'd convinced herself that josh liked her when he really couldn't stand her. so then her story changed, she'd walked up to him and kissed him, because she wanted to show him what it was like to really be kissed after all that time with allison or jillian or whatever her name was. and josh pushed her away. so. all wendy's friends got really mad and went off to confront him. i was mad at wendy for lying and wanted to talk to josh to get the full story. he was sitting on a table talking to sam. i didn't notice sam when i first walked over, until he wrapped his arms around my stomach and sort of hugged my belly. i recognized the top of his head. so, i talked to josh and asked him if that could've gone a little different -question mark- he didn't say anything, just looked up at me with these huge puppy-dog eyes and held my hand. awkward moment, but then my alarm woke me up. so i don't know. it was a strange dream, but good. i saw personalities in people i'd never imagined before.

there ya go kids. a glimpse of what i write when i think it's completely private. not really much of anything good in that one. but i like reading this journal, and i might start putting up other things i wrote in there.

i broke another keyboard... yep, go me, i'm amazing... now i have to pay for it. oh well. i babysat tonight so i have money to pay for it. it just irks me that i have to pay for it, 'cause i'm cheap and all.
long day. very long. scott's home but he went for a drive. last i saw him he and my mom were almost in a fight... y'know, i love him and all, but not everything is our parents' fault. if he'd lighten up on them, they'd lighten up on him, and we'd all be happy. i think his attitude's the problem. granted, not everyone can be perfect and wonderful like me -insert cheesy, shit-eating grin here- but if he'd just smile and not take everything as a personal attack, he'd realize it's not as bad as he's convinced himself.
so... not a whole lot else to say today... a lot's been on my mind, but nothing particularly interesting, or anything i'd want to share. i'm being self centered these days, okay, so get off my back -insert exclamation mark that i can't make 'cause my dumb keyboard's broken-