hey, it's a first everyone. liz is spending the night!
ahhh you just don't understand, do you? i haven't had a "neighborhood friend" forever. liz is my friend for that. she's the one who i do stuff with when we're both bored out of our minds and have nothing better to do. and then i lost her. and i got her back! so we just randomly hang out and talk to each other's parents and buy slurpees. and call people and dress up in each other's clothes and just... it's just great. it sounds dumb, but i haven't had a friend to do this with. the guys in my neighborhood (evan, derek, josh, aaron) leave me out of the loop these days - i don't play basketball with them and i can't sleep over so what's the point? anyway. i'm happy. so.. i'll stop now.

hm. liz and i rented movies, tobias came over and we watched slc punk. good clean fun.
i think i steal too much. maybe? i think it's because people have gotten used to it. they call me a klepto, and they expect me to steal stuff. i don't usually, unless it's something small and easy and i've been wanting it for a good long while (like pink nail polish). otherwise, i usually don't take stuff.

couldn't write anything yesterday, but i think that's a good thing, because it would have been pretty depressing.
i'm doing better now. much better. i finally sat down and talked to him and at least figured out what's going through his head. so maybe i still don't have anything definite - but i'm okay with it now. i can deal with it.
the weekend's here. i'll have time to sleep and relax and maybe get a few things done.
i'm happy. although i am a little ticked off at my brother, who's taking the 'protective older brother' thing just a little too far.

i don't think i've ever expressed enough just how much i love my family.
my mom knew immediately something was wrong. she didn't push, which is good, but she made it really obvious she's here for me if she needs me, and she got me some sleeping pills so i could stop thinking about it. a small gesture, yeah, but she brought them up to me and everything. it was really sweet.
brent, meanwhile, got my mind off of it. after asking what's wrong, he told me fine, just wait until i feel better and i'm in more control of my thoughts and emotions. and he sat me down and had me watch trigun with him. which, i have to say, was the perfect thing to cheer me up. the show's absolutely hilarious, and it's on every night at midnight. so i'll probably watch it with him tonight. anyway, his last advice to me was this: "don't think too much". simple, yeah, stuff i've been telling myself all night, yeah, but it helps a lot to hear it from someone else.

anna's been sick all week; i didn't get to see her today. i'm a little sad, yeah, but i'll see her next week, so it's not too bad. instead i went up to 7-11 with josh, got some ice cream and just sat out on the sidewalk and talked to him forever. we talked about a lot of things, from dodo's to relationships. some of the things i told him i hadn't even realized until then. so, well, i wasn't feeling too good about life when i got home. i got a few hours' sleep, lay down around 5 and just woke up. i'm still not feeling so great, but at least i know why. i'm confused. how can i be sure of anything, when i rarely see or talk to him? when the only time i ever see him, someone else is the focus of his attention?
it's not something i want to dwell on. instead, i noticed something else to brood about. josh was asked a few days ago about religion; a friend of ours is curious and wants to know more. josh is a great guy; he's definitely a good choice to go to when you want to know more about christianity. but, well... no one's ever asked me about my faith. and i can't blame them. i don't make it obvious. in fact it's pretty hard sometimes to tell what i believe in. sure, yeah, i'm still trying to figure that out. ... but it still hurts, when i think about it. despite what i do or say or how i act, i do still believe in God and the resurrection and deep down, i really am a Christian. i just have problems showing it.
anyway, i don't much like this depressed feeling. i'd like to ignore it. that's not likely to happen. but i can try, right? music's good at drowning things out. why else do you think i listen to it so much?

mmm, good day, endorphins are kicking in...
school was alright, showed off my bruise, which was fun. scared a lot of people with it, too. driver's ed wasn't bad at all, ms. blocki was having a really bad day so she had us watch a movie (the disney goofy one i saw when i was little! it was funny!) then she kicked us out at 3:15. got home around 4, actually did some of this stupid project i've got, then went kickboxing with liz.
ahh that was great! coleen (the girl that drives us around) was borrowing her sister-in-law's vw convertible. i think it was a cabriola? i don't know for sure. anyway it was awsome, we put the top down and were bumpin the whole way. liz and i got in a water fight in the parking lot, oooops, and then even worse, we were trying to get something from coleen's car and went to the wrong vw! the actual class was fun, too, i worked up a niiice sweat and i feel great and energized and in shape.
anyway so yeah, when liz and i got back she came over to type up her paper, and sam came over too, aww, had fun rocking out with him to guns 'n roses. i almost fell off my bed a few times though, which was actually pretty funny.
i'm not sure what i'm going to do, though. already it feels like i'm expected to do something, and i don't like that feeling.

i've been with the same friends all year.
that really started to bug me today. i looked around and realized that our little "group" hasn't branched off at all. it seems like nobody has made any really good friends outside who we came with, well besides maybe chris. it was... strange. i mean high school is where you meet the people who you'll remember the rest of your life, not junior high. not illahee. i want to forget that school. yeah, i have some pretty good friends that i went to school with, but i want to make new ones too. well okay i have. but i want them to blow me off sometimes, to tell me that they're hanging out with someone from saghalie or lakota. they never do.
whatever. they're my friends and if they want to be all seclusive-like, then go for it.

i always get annoyed when all i ever hear from people is "my boyfriend this" or "my girlfriend that". it gets to the point where i want to scream, begging the person if they have any life outside their significant other. but you know, it's understandable, how people will talk so much about one person. when you spend most of your time talking to someone, spending time with them, thinking about them... well, it's natural that all your thoughts are going to go to them first.
what brought this on? well, i was just noticing how my thoughts go through trends. whether it was michael, my brother leaving, or brandon's house. if i'm spending a long time thinking about or dealing with an issue, that's what i'm going to put up here. and for me, at least, it takes more than just a day to get over something. sometimes days, sometimes weeks, rarely months though.

you know, i stopped and went to watch a movie, then came back and remembered i was writing. i forgot what my point was going to be, though. maybe you can figure it out.
i'm happy, i really am. obviously. i've got my friend back, my friend who calls when i don't want her to and bothers me constantly to get out and do something. i missed her. i think i've said that before.
and, well, it's also nice to know things can only get better from here.

and i thought yesterday was special. this weekend has been amazing, but today... i'm not going to forget today for a long, long time. i want to describe it, but i'm pressed for time. i have homework, tons, and i'm also distracted worse than anything.
but, well, it was good. i can't think of much that could've made it better.