i feel better.
i took my day off. liz and i went up to 7-11, bought 2 pints of ice cream, and sat down on the side of the road and ate it all. i missed doing that so much, you have no idea. the memories have been flooding back all day. i missed liz, i've missed having my friend. it's so great to have her back, but at the same time, i feel bad about myself. i've changed so much. she's not like me anymore. but we still get along great, we still have fun. it's good.
after the ice cream, we headed over to brandon's. walked to fred meyer and bought a frog for liz's mom's garden. i got a huge bag of dum-dum's, and i've been eating them all day.
brandon's house is amazing. it's a guy's house, completely and totally. his older brothers are gorgeous, and are almost always around. their friends are great, too. it's constant eye-candy for me and liz. anyways. brandon's house is like that one i've always imagined. kids come in and out constantly, no one cares what they do. video games and music and tv are going on constantly. his little brothers are funny, too. we play football in the park, skateboard around out in front of his house. jump on the trampoline. there's a constant supply of pepsi, and you can help yourself to whatever food you can find.
brandon thinks i only come over for his house, but that's not true. he's cool too.
anyway. don't tell the germans, but i'm counting down the hours until they leave. i want my life back - i miss days like today, and i hadn't realized until now how stressful all these group activities have been. i need the small groups, just me and liz and brandon, walking around and playing football and watching tv piled on the couch.
you know what i've noticed, though? no one's ever really listening when you talk about something important to you. whether it's something small and special that someone said to you, or how great someone's house is. they don't actually listen. they just nod and wait for you to change the subject.

i'm tired, that's the only explanation for it.
life has been getting to me so easily lately. everything's perfect and wonderful one minute, the next i just want to curl up and cry. i've come close to breaking down a few times already today, and the day's barely started. great.
however, right now i'm doing alright. it's amazing how good it feels to sit down with someone and talk. it doesn't even have to be seriously, just a nice one-on-one conversation, smiling and laughing and supporting each other. i just don't do well in large groups - it's these close relationships that i thrive on. but, well, there is a good side to large groups. no pressure to keep it interesting. a sense of safety because you're not the only other person to talk to.
i've been wondering a lot lately about what's going to happen. in the next week, the next month, the next year. i have this horrible feeling of dread that i'm going to lose my friends. my friends are what keep me going, and the thought of them not being around anymore scares me. i know i used to be afraid of rejection, being forgotten or abandoned. that does still scare me, but not as much as the idea of losing the people i trust the most. what would i do without tuey, without steph mo, without josh, anna, elaina? i need these people, even if at times i forget about them. i need them to fall back on. where would i be if i didn't have someone to turn to?
poor steph tuey. i think i might be driving her insane. i keep writing her notes and leaving them in her locker, or giving them to her at lunch. they're completely pointless, just me writing what happened the other day, what i'm feeling, or what i want to do someday. i don't expect her to write back, and she doesn't. it's just something that i do when i need to write, and it's good to know that i'm keeping her in the loop. i just don't know if she cares or not. lately i just haven't had any time at all to talk with her, to see how things are going. and also, i'm preoccupied with trying to fix other parts in my life.
today i watched a movie about anorexia and bulimia. it scared me. the things people will do to be considered beautiful, to be accepted. it's true, like every other girl, i do have an issue with my weight. but that scares me. these people say they started their problem at 17, 18. could i ever get so self critical that i'd do that? i say no now, but how do i really know? it's impossible to tell. ... i figure, as long as i still have people in my life who truly care, who i know care, i should be alright. i at least hope so.
come on, get your hotdogs! look at the size of this one! it's the whopper of weiners!

cheer up folks, this is what life's all about.

You are Everything To Somebody
Right now at this very minute-----------
someone is very proud of you
someone is thinking of you
someone cares about you
someone misses you
someone wants to talk to you
someone wants to be with you
someone hopes you aren't in trouble
someone is thankful for the support you have provided
someone wants to hold your hand
someone hopes everything turns out all right
someone wants you to be happy
someone wants you to find them
someone is celebrating your successes
someone wants to give you a gift
someone think you ARE a gift
someone hopes you are not too cold, or too hot
someone wants to hug you
someone loves you
someone wants to lavish you with small gifts
someone admires your strength
someone is thinking of you and smiling
someone wants to be your shoulder to cry on
someone wants to go out with you and have a lot of fun
someone thinks the world of you
someone wants to protect you
someone would do anything for you
someone wants to be forgiven
someone is grateful for your forgiveness
someone wants to laugh with you about old times
someone remembers you and wishes you were there
someone is praising God for you
someone needs to know that your love is unconditional
someone values your advice
someone wants to tell you how much they care
someone wants to stay up watching old movies with you
someone wants to share their dreams with you
someone wants to hold you in their arms
someone wants YOU to hold them in your arms
someone treasures your spirit
someone wishes they could STOP time because of you
someone praises God for your friendship and love
someone can't wait to see you
someone wishes that things didn't have to change
someone loves you for who you are
someone loves the way you make them feel
someone wants to be with you
someone is hoping they can grow old with you
someone hears a song that reminds them of you
someone wants you to know they are there for you
someone is glad that you're their friend
someone wants to be your friend
someone stayed up all night thinking about you
someone is alive because of you
someone is remorseful after losing your friendship
someone is wishing that you would notice them
someone wants to get to know you better
someone believes that you are their soul mate
someone wants to be near you
someone misses your guidance and advice
someone values your guidance and advice
someone has faith in you
someone trusts you
someone needs your support
someone needs you to have faith in them
someone needs you to let them be your friend

ha! great day, only going to get better.
walking home from driver's ed today, guess who i saw?
krystal! krystal woolsey! it's amazing. she was walkin with two guys, chris and this one good-lookin guy i don't know. said hi to chris and walked by, saw krystal and was like "krystal? is that you?" conversation went somewhat as follows:
her: "chelsea! that is you! (hug) i was like 'hey she looks like chelsea, but no...' and then you were like 'krystal!' and it was!"
me: "yeah it's great to see you etc etc"
her: "i still have that picture you drew me! you look good, you've changed a lot since 8th grade. hey that one guy up there, in the blue shirt [cute guy i don't know] thinks you're really hot. he's going to be so mad at me now, 'cause i know the hot chick!"
me: random shit, whatever more talking
keep talking, get to writing down phone #'s
her: "yeah i'm living with this one girl (forgot her name) now, so if you hear a bunch of yelling in the background those're her kids."
anyway (not interested in writing the conversation anymore), i have her phone number now and she has mine, and she's my new best friend! haha. no seriously, krystal was the greatest in 8th grade, i've always wanted to get to know her, and hey - here it is! i know it's cheesy, but this girl i've always looked up to was psyched to see me and doesn't hate me. that's cool. so we're probably going to do something eventually (once the germans leave i'm guessing) and i can't wait - i've been craving people like her in my life and sadly, there really aren't that many.
so. that was the cool part. i get home and change into my houseclothes (old tux shirt, wife beater, slippers) and start homework. made myself a nutella sammich right as steffen got back from shopping with sam and christian - i'll probably be doing something with them later tonight, which is why i'm (trying) to get my homework done now.
talked to brian today! he's so funny, i love him so much. a little flirt, but hey, i need those kinds of people to make me feel better. he's seen me for a whole of what, 2 weeks last summer? and before then all he has are memories of me in 7th and 8th grade. and he still thinks i'm beautiful. from 7th and 8th grade! that's crazy! and just for that, i love him.
so. rocking out to enya now (don't laugh, it works!)

we lost! my boys lost!!
it was horrible. oakland got a 2-run homerun in the first inning, then another at the top of the 9th. we only got one run in the 4th, and there were so many crappy calls by the umpire. i wanted to run down and slap him. had a lot of fun tho, and that's all that really matters, right? it was crazy how fast it all went by.
some crazy drunk homeless guy yelled at us, called us a pathetic waste of a human life. sam got really pissed off, aww i love watching people get really mad, as long as it's not at me. anyway, feel like crashing now, but i'm distracted so maybe in a little bit. chemistry tomorrow, shoot me now, please.

i'm goin' to the mariners game, i'm goin to the mariners game...
yay!
jealous of my parents tho, they've got tickets 10 rows back from the field. gr! if this wasn't a group activity (and i want to see my friends!) i'd totally ditch them and be down there in the action. oh well. the rowdy people are always in the crap seats, and that's where we'll be. fun!

good stuff! good stuff all around, you've no idea.
last night, went over to martin's, then kristin's, watched cruel intentions and just had fun. didn't go in the hot tub, but that's okay, no big loss.
today was just great. nearly killed myself during chemistry. saw my nearest and dearest friends in the halls, sat through presentations in the library with sam and steph mo. tia, i love her, made me feel great today by just being nice and friendly and caring and generous. she's the kind of nice person i want to be like. history was pretty boring too, tried working on my research paper but that didn't really work. mostly just talked to tobias and sharon and alan, my new best friends. not really. but i love them.
anyway driver's ed sucked ass, anything new there? nope, not really. got out a little bit early and walked home, which felt good.
came in right as steffen was finishing the ring. i swear, not even a minute after the movie cut out to static (ended) (all we had time to say was how much we hate/love that movie), the phone rang. steffen freaked and begged me not to pick up, so of course i did. "hallo, hier ist christian! is steffen there?" perfect timing! i love christian just for that. i told steffen it was for him, and he started trying to run away and everything. it was hilarious!
anyway we went over to sam's to eat dinner, me steffen christian sam's mom and sam's stepdad, sam was working. good food, lemme tell ya. later we walked over to qfc and talked to sam, came back and just messed around his house. laughed my ass off watching sam singing along with guns 'n roses.
and so now i'm talkin to 3 of the greatest people i could possibly be talking to right now, tysson dan and nick. this day's been amazing.

another good day. after school drove around tacoma, got to know josh and erin just that much better, trusting them and putting my life in their hands and all that. went to steph mo's later and got to play around on her computer, wear her cowboy hat and everything. sam and christian showed up for a little while, which was cool. talked to steph for a while, just relaxing and being girls and it was great.
found brent's old reebok hat, so now i'm super happy. i really want my own hat but this is good for now.

ever had one of those days, where everything's been going just great, and then something happens and suddenly it all sucks? today's one of those days. i look back, and everything that seemed okay just.. sucks.

no cole today, which makes me really really sad. i'll live tho, 'cause i'll get him either next weekend or the one after.
it was still a good day tho - i went shopping! big time! got new jeans, 3 shirts, and a sweatshirt. tons of free zumiez stickers 'cause the guy working there was flirting with me. and he was pretty damn cute, so i had no problem at all with that. once again, i got advice for weasling my way into a zumiez job. make fun of nick, he's in the guy's band.
anyway, also went to safeway, and i like grocery shopping, so that was good too. now i'm eventually going to get around to doing my homework. maybe.