I'm terza rima, and I talk and smile. Where others lock their rhymes and thoughts away I let mine out, and chatter all the while. I'm rarely on my own - a wasted day Is any day that's spent without a friend, With nothing much to do or hear or say. I like to be with people, and depend On company for being entertained; Which seems a good solution, in the end. What Poetry Form Are You?

so.
i get home psyched about my week at camp. all i want to talk about is what i did. i'm happy, i'm energetic, i'm feeling better than i have in weeks. i actually feel like i've done something good with my life, like what i do really does matter.
and the first time i get a chance to talk about it with my mom, she doesn't care. she tells to save it for when she gets back from her weekend away, when i can actually talk (i lost my voice on thursday). she then asks me how jessika's doing.
now, jessika is a very sensitive subject for me. i love jessika. she's my best friend, she always will be. i do get mad at her, i do hate her sometimes, but she is my friend and i do love her and i can't stand to hear other people talk about her badly. my mom hates her. every time we get together we do something stupid (like go out to 7-11 at 2 am). i'm in a good mood, i figure i can be honest with her. so i tell her how jessika's doing. and she gets this motherly look on her face and says "well i hope you learned something from all this". ... WHAT??? it's JESSIKA's problem, not mine! i just spent a week learning how i want to live my life. i've finally figured everything out and she thinks i'm going to learn something through my friend's problems?? it totally pissed me off. good thing i spent the week at camp though, because i can explain it in clear terms that she can understand. i can't now, of course, because i'm sitting here stewing and thinking about it all. but i amazed myself. i was yelling, sure, i was even crying. but my reasons were clear and fluent and very, very reasonable.
now i can't even begin to explain it all. i mean, she tells me not to talk, then asks me to gossip about my friend? i'm ready and willing to tell her how much of a growing experience i've had this week. for once i want to talk to her about my life. i want to tell her about how great it felt to be taken seriously, to be responsible and to be held accountable for other people. and all she wants to do is remind me of how much i've screwed up in the past. i've gotten beyond those problems! i've been praying and thinking and considering how i've chosen to live my life a lot. more than most people my age do, from what i can tell. but she doesn't care. i want to tell her that i've changed, i want her to see that i'm a better person now and i'm going to work on it. that i'm finally doing what she's been wanting me to do.
she tells me all about how she wants me to change, and when i finally do, all she wants to do is talk about how i'm still a bad person.
it's so unbelievably frustrating. my whole good mood, my natural high from this week. my confidence in myself that i can do something right. it's gone. all of it.
i'm glad i talked to michael before all this happened. i'm thinking about calling him again though. i'm leaving at 7:30 for dinner with the other leaders from this week. i'd have time. but i'm not sure. do i want to break down crying while telling him all about the stupid emotional problems i have with my mom? not really. but i really want to perk up again. i want to be happy again. it felt good.
anyway. about my week.
i did so much. it's crazy. my entire day was scheduled out in stone. usually it can changes so easily, but this was solid. i was doing something important from the moment i woke up to the moment i went to sleep. i got more sleep than i usually do, but i'm so much more worn out than i've ever been before.
the leader meetings were the best part. pulling myself out of my nice warm sleeping bag to walk out in the freezing cold night air, then to sit in a small room with a bunch of other people in their pajamas. eating cookies, ice cream, capri suns, and sucking cough drops like candy. jumping around singing stupid songs, running into people, sitting on people, waving my arms around and making a total idiot of myself. i loved it.
my girls were wonderful. adorable little fifth and sixth graders who got along just fine. i loved them. i know it's not good to have favorites, but i do. catherine and alisha, by far. catherine because she was so confidant (her friend told me she's shy. i can't believe that.) when i was late she'd stand up on the log and lead our cabin for us. she was so tiny next to all those huge high schoolers, but she'd put everything into the cheer and do the best she possibly could. she wrote me a note: "i've never had a big sister but this week i had one." i never had a little sister. i always wanted one. it makes me so happy that at least one of my 10 girls felt like we made that connection. as for alisha, she was really quiet. at first i thought she would be a little brat, but hey, first impressions are usually wrong. she was sweet and making her smile was one of my favorite things to do. yeah, taking care of her 24 hours a day probably had a lot to do with it, but i felt like it was up to me to keep her happy. i think i did a good job. she wrote a letter to me too. (i'm saving both of them. they're going on my wall.) "sometimes you yelled, but that was only to get our attention so it's o.k." how sweet can you get??
anyway, there's so much i could write in here. but i'm just going to leave it at this. the whole week was unforgettable. i'm a different person than the one that left, and i like it. a lot.

mmm. talked to michael on the phone for like 5 hours last night... so now it really sucks that i'm leaving for a week.

i had a really interesting dream. i was a single mom who left her home and her friends and family behind and went to some run-down big city slums. i moved into a nasty apartment complex that was more like a hotel. i got a job, i think as a journalist or something. anyway my baby.. he was so cute. just the most adorable little baby you've ever seen. he had the baby chub, and he was in one of those yellow fuzzy footsie pajama things. aw, so cute! (i think i've been around babies too much lately) so the big plot of the dream... well it wasn't much of a plot. the really sexy mysterious hunk of man meat from my office lived in the same apartment complex as me, only i was completely clueless. i was just taking a walk when i heard two guys yelling at each other.. he was one of them. and he came out and saw me and something happened, i dunno, i woke up a little after that.
it felt good to go to church today. i really like the sermons they've been giving us lately. this past week i've done things that, well, have opened my eyes. i'm more aware of what this "ideal life" i talk about would be like if i had it. i know i talk to steph a lot about how we could enjoy life and still be good people. but i've realized that we're really just making excuses, trying to find where the line is and how much we can tug at it. find out what we can get away with. i've noticed that i can get away with a lot, but that doesn't mean i should. i know how i want to live my life now. i know what i'm missing out on, and what i'm not. i want to be that nice girl who people feel free to talk to, who's nice and kind and doesn't judge. i know there are things i'm going to have to change to be like that. but i don't mind. sorry to sound christian now, but that's what i am and i don't want to be afraid to talk about god. i've been praying a lot lately. and i mean a lot. whenever i get the chance i pause and talk to god. i'm asking him to help me, to give me strength and to also forgive me for the things i've done. i should've listened before. it shouldn't have taken the actual experience to know that, well, he was right. anyway, i know better now. that's what matters, right?
so i'm going to try to turn my life around. i'm not giving up completely on my friends, no! but i'm changing my personality, my attitude. i'm going to be positive, i'm going to help people and try to be a good influence in people's lives. i like being able to talk to my mom and not have to think about censoring what i'm saying. it's a nice feeling.