soul coughing - circles (acoustic)

god i hope elaina's will snap me out of this funk. the last week i haven't been able to find anything interesting enough worth going outside for.
totally different topic. anyone want an unopened briggs cd?

the divorce - knife and kids

i want boxes. i want to rip down the posters and pictures on my walls. i want to put up shelves. i want to rearrange everything so there's more space. i want to take all the books i rarely read and pack them up, stuff them into that one corner of my closet that has no purpose. i want to hide away the boxes of leggos and playmobile and old church clothes from when i was twelve that take up that space, put them in the garage or, better, a storage unit where i can forget i ever had them. i went to rip all the stickers off my drawers, take the shoelaces and scarves down and put them all in boxes. there's too much stuff in my room. the papers and books and bottle caps and cards and cd cases. none of them belong anywhere - they're scattered wherever i find space for them. i've moved my cd's all over my room, and i still can't find a place for them. there are so many things i need to throw away, but i can't do it once i pull out the garbage bags. i can look all around and see how much stuff there is, but when it comes down to taking things one by one and throwing them away, i love everything i have. i love each and every necklace hanging off my flourescant desk lamp, but looking at them all piled together, i want to take the whole thing and throw it out the window.
i keep trying, telling myself to clean my room, but i can never do it well enough. every few months i stay up until 3 am, working from early evening until late at night, pulling things out of my closet, sorting through everything, creating a worse mess than any natural laziness creates. and no matter how many things i throw away, no matter how many boxes i pull out of the garage and fill with useless items... my room is still full.
don't ask me why a clean room is the most important thing for me to write about right now. my life is painfully boring. there's no drama at all to it - and believe me, i like it that way. but i don't have the depressing, melodramatic flair to my middle class life either. i think the perfect way to explain it is this - i'll never be a smoker. i'll smoke cigarettes every now and then, but i'll never feel good about it. it will always disgust me. smokers are the center of the intellectual, tortured-soul culture. it's hard to find some dark poet with a passion for life and hopeless talent who doesn't smoke. it's hard to imagine, at least. i hate cigarettes, i dislike being around people who smoke. in my head, that cements me into the middle class suburbanite stereotype more solidly than anything i'll ever say or do. i'll always be mediocre, utterly unoriginal. there are ten million people just like me all around the world, safe and comfortable in their homes, raised in a happy and loving family, so completely normal that they'll never have anything worth saying, worth listening to.
listen to me bitch. trying to find some reason to make myself seem unique. i hate hearing other people do it. i'm a hypocrite of the worst kind.
i'm reading my old anne rice books again. along with steinbeck and frankenstein. all i really want to do these days is read a book, but i can't keep focused on one book long enough to finish it. i've got three library books that have been overdue for a month now, and i can't return them because i still have about 50 pages to read before i'll be done.
really, i've been in a hopeless state of mind for about a week now. i don't see much of a point to anything i've been doing. while i was driving down to hood canal this weekend, i felt so lonely and tired and i almost pulled the car over and cried into the stearing wheel. i didn't, but i wanted to. today, god knows why, my mom asked me if something was wrong. i don't know how she noticed, all i'd been doing was showing her the things i'd bought when i went shopping with tuey. but she asked if i was okay, and we ended up talking to each other for about an hour about everything that's been frustrating us lately, how impossible it all feels, how completely pointless and meaningless everything we've done has been. and while i don't feel better about anything right now, i'm getting back to looking forward to what might happen.