everclear - so much for the afterglow

big smiles, everyone! okay, it's valentine's day, which sucks. but other than that? it wasn't so bad!
work was a bitch. tuey was a bitch! just kidding, but still, i have many reasons to be mad at her if i wanted to. first of all, she didn't tell me that the tickets didn't go on sale 'til 10, so i got up at 6 for absolutely nothing. then she makes all kissy-kissy with brandon and forgives him, so i was the supportive friend for nothing and got to sit around all by my lonesome on v-day. lol, but i have to admit, it was pretty funny. for my lunch break we met at fred meyer's, where we ran into ryan (who was hiding behind the u-scan booths from his girlfriend. he'd just bought her flowers and couldn't let her see him.) then to make up for my crappy valentine's day, tuey fought a little girl for the free cookies that fred meyer leaves out (it was really, really funny, i swear!) uhhhh work umm... i got a bathing suit for swimming. and they broke a cd. and that's about it. after work i got some money from the bank to pay back my parents, and went to tuey's. we saw the perfect score... holy crap, that movie was insanely predictable, but sooo funny! mostly the stoner guy. he was a lot like brandon at first (the whole cawing back at birds thing), but then he started pulling all this intelligent random stuff, and that's where the similarity totally blew out the window. (haha... brandon's dumb...) anyway, back at tuey's i was looking at her cd collection and got insanely jealous, so brenda and i went out to al's music place and spent my $100 (oops!) here's a list of what i got:
everclear - so much for the afterglow
everclear - sparkle and fade
green day - dookie
everclear - world of noise
green day - nimrod
bad religion - all ages
bad religion - the new america
punk-o-rama 2
less than jake - hello rockview
blind melon - self titled
bush - razorblade suitcase
our lady peace - naveed
deep blue something - home
my whole childhood love songs/alternative rock kick thing is taking off... my everclear collection is almost finished. man, brenda had to kick me from buying so many others... goo goo dolls, gin blossoms, wallflowers... i've already forgotten the rest, though. they didn't have the bands i was looking for, though, so you can't blame me. they were mostly all second choices. also, i haven't listened to over half of these cd's before... they were pretty much the cheapest ones available. so tonight and tomorrow and the rest of break is dedicated to listening to all this.
i've missed brenda so badly... it was fun to go out with her again and do something, but it's not like it used to be. i doubt it ever will be.
back at tuey's we had domino's and mallory was there, and we all sat around and watched clueless and daria on tv. i had a really bad headache half the time, though, so i left around 9:30 and came home... still have a headache, but at least now i don't have to really concentrate on anything, y'know?
my dad got me a new moniter, but that means all the stuff i had on my old one is just... trashed. i can't exactly take the glue pictures and move them to a new moniter, y'know? and trying to copy what other people had written on it is just dumb. so now all i have are a few stickers, the feet pictures, and all the other stuff that was taped on. it makes me sad, it's so bare...
i'm going to sleep in tomorrow. finally!!

autopilot off - spring training

urgh! this has been a long, long day. much too long. right now i've got one of those tired/stress headaches that just gently throbs your entire skull.
um, what happened... lots of tests and such, and studying in between. everything seemed a little disconnected at school... which, sadly, changed when i got to work. how bad is it, that i feel out of place at school, and right at home at work? and at home.. i just feel tired. listless.
after school, man, it was hilarious. i walked up to steph's car, and she was loading the trunk full of backpacks, the stuffed elephant, and a cooler?! i thought we were going camping or something! i was so excited... but no, it was just something for luke and brandon to smoke out of.
so we drove to brandon's, and liz and i sat in the car with luke while steph had a little chat with brandon. um... i'm worried about that.
steph drove us to my house, and she was laughing and joking and all like normal, so i think she was okay. i hope she was.
work was... surprisingly not so bad. all the people i know weren't there, all the people that get me in trouble were. fortunately, bryce was there, so i finally met him 'n we sat and did crossword puzzles (i know! it sounds so pathetic but it was actually kinda fun) and ate teriyaki. after it was all done, nate was there (some of his friends were working) so i talked to him, a little. my dad picked me up and i just feel dead... i need sleep.

autopilot off - long way to fall

long day, not so sure if there's much to say about it. okay, i had a lot of fun. more than i thought i would. i enjoyed the whole seattle trip and everything. i went tanning for the first time ever. i panicked about getting to work on time. steph and i bought the concert tickets. i sang and scrubbed the stairways. i burnt my macaroni. the car's still not ready.
but none of it felt very memorable. no one especially made me smile. nothing especially caught my interest. this was a wonderful day... but something tells me it'll be forgotten in a few weeks.

autopilot off - sleep tight

dude dude dude! scott just bought me mace.
okay that was like half an hour ago. but still!
last night we were standing in the greek restruant waiting for our takeout and we were talking about valentine's day, when there was still a chance i'd be going to moneen and senses fail with some guy i hardly know at all. (tickets are sold out but he's still trying to think of something? i think.) so yeah we were talking about all sorts of different things i could use for protection, like a mini-sword down my back or a hunting knife in my shoes or such. with the whole knife strapped to my calf thing, i demonstrated to him how hard it would be to pull up my pants and reach down for a knife if a guy was attacking me. scott: "well, the whole idea behind that is..." me: "what, that my pants will be off already by the time i use it?" scott: "no! i mean, um, you'd be sitting in a car or something??"
so, yeah. haha. he came in today and was like "here chelsea i bought you something!" and later as he was leaving, "congratulations on your sat's. now you'll probably be going to an east coast school, where i can't protect you." it was just this really nice thing he did, and it really surprises me, but i'm happy too. scott's not a complete ass, not at all... it's just hard to look past the fact that i have to live with him.
after i did my blog earlier, i fell asleep for a few hours. woke up 'n called nate and talked to him for a while. he's an interesting guy, very cool. but like i told tuey, it's highly unlikely for it to go anywhere. the last thing i want to do is get involved with a mix of all the traits that pissed me off before.
i still can't get over it. i have pepper spray.

autopilot off - wide awake

you know, even though it's only 5... i've had a very extremely awesome day. seriously. it's been good and bad and terrible and wonderful.
first of all! skipped out on meessen, he'll probably kill me for not getting help with math... whatever... so liz and i ran and tracked down chris and rai and begged a ride off them. so immediately after we get in the car, chris runs a red light and gets pulled over and gets a $202 ticket. ... oops. so, then we were going to go to bally's. work out, swim, do all that good stuff, right? they wouldn't let me in. so we sat on the street corner and ate our food we'd brought and watched the cars and just... shat around. then we came back and decided to try tanning - and okay i just realized this isn't a really interesty story, it was just fun in the stupid exciting, wasting time type of way. so basically, to make a long story short, we saw mark. ha!

moneen - are we

here's a little pointless story for you all.
i am scared shitless of people. there. just so you know. unless i know someone already, or they're really friendly to me, i'm scared as hell to go up to them and talk. or even just to be around people i don't really know. and even then, people who are nice to me? i don't trust them. it's my main character flaw - a huge weakness that's going to plague me the rest of my life.
so last night after we swam and we were leaving, the receptionist (bryce - i learned his name today!) was like "oh hey chelsea, nate wants you to call him." and just handed me a little piece of paper with "call nathan" and his phone number on it. and what did i do? i guess i'm paranoid, or something. i put the number in my pocket and went home and slept. it's still in my jeans on the floor.
i guess i should've called him, though. right as i was leaving work today he came up to me and asked me to go to a concert with him on saturday. and, well hey, why not? so i guess i might see moneen on saturday - he has to check if there are still tickets.
but wow. i mean, who would've guessed?
ANYWAY, beyond that, very cool day! after school tuey drove me home 'n then to brandon's. i don't know what was up with her, i love that girl, she was convinced brandon didn't love her anymore so we circled around the block by his house about 50 times while he and luke sat in his parked car and watched us. it was hilarious! christian sat on the door with the window rolled down and hung onto the roof, i had my feet propped up out the window by the rearview mirror, and we just... drove. listened to lit. it was beautiful, it was a beautiful day. this had better be an amazing, blatantly obvious sign that this summer is going to be far, far better than the last.

white stripes - fell in love with a girl

ouch, man. what a splendidly crappy, terrible day.
how was it that tuey put it? oh so gently, "are you having a nervous breakdown?" yes, actually, i did. precal seems to be doing this to me a lot lately - i panicked. it was the hardest thing in the world to keep from breaking down in the halls. i tried, i really tried not to cry today... but fuck, like that's ever worked. it sucked. my eyes were bright red, i was light headed and couldn't really breathe right... it was terrible. i hate crying in public, even though i've done it a lot. anyway, steph was my savior. we skipped out of weight training after the running part, and drove to emerald city smoothie, and got some wendy's and just sat, and ate, and talked about nothing in general. it felt great, though. to get out of there. i've been overwhelmed all day - i know i'm not, but i feel like i'm shaking constantly. we were driving down 320th with the windows down, and i just sat there, soaking it up... it's impossible to describe. i felt that at least for a minute, things were making sense. driving, breathing, singing... i can understand those things. but lately i can't find any meaning to anything else i do. school's pointless - i know i need to do it, find things that interest me and might be important in my future. but right now... i can't get into it. i do like math, even precal. i like history. i like learning things. i just can't get myself to focus on it. and it's not even like there's something distracting me! i've stopped smoking, stopped drinking. i run, i work, i read. that all feels right. it feels good. i like running. i like reading. i don't like work so much as i like seeing the people i work with. i even like school, but not on days like this.
all day, all i've been thinking about is coming home and having my mom hug me. how pathetic can i get? when i got home, though, i couldn't do it. i told her what was wrong, but i couldn't just let go like i usually do. this is getting ridiculous. i need control over what's happening, and giving into pitying myself isn't going to get me anywhere.
besides all that depressing shit, though, today hasn't been bad. i guess it's been like those crazy roller coaster days that happen sometimes. i loved getting out of school. i may have been feeling like i was shaking, and like there was something huge pressing down on my chest... but the look of the fog covering the hills in the distance made the road seem endless. almost like, maybe, if we kept going, we'd end up somewhere other than auburn. maybe it'd be someplace new. and the way our breath kept fogging up because it was so cold out, but we still kept the windows down... i loved it.
another moment that i want to remember is when steph was driving me to work, i sat with the window rolled down and clipped my nails outside the car. this is important to me, though i know it doesn't make sense. lately i've been feeling like i lost who i used to be, like i have no personality of my own anymore. of course i remember every time someone "notices" me. i can't help it - it always slightly surprises me. shit, i'm sorry. i've just realized how much i've been complaining. i've been thinking all of this for the past couple weeks, and now that i've started typing it out, i can't stop... but i will now.
because in about an hour, i'm going back to the aquatic center. weird, i know, but tosha and i seriously need to learn to swim again. rob says it's okay, so we're going to go down there and swim laps and just... figure it out. she's making me wear a bikini, though, since she doesn't have anything else to wear. like i really need this added onto the list of shit today. oh well.
you know, despite how much i've been feeling sorry for myself, i don't feel that bad. not really. it feels hopeless, but i know it will get better. it has to. i'll make it.

bad religion - sorrow

oh, so happy! my guys came through today - they showed up! matt and james are the best.
first of all. ran 2.5 miles when i woke up at 8 o'clock in the stupid morning (the neighbors were bbq'ing and my window was open). liz and i went to fred meyer at like 1.. i got a really good sammich, 'cause i hadn't eaten, and we looked at toys and watches and belts. we went to the dollar store and bought lots of junk - gum and books and cards. then at the goodwill! i got more books, plus a sweatshirt and a shirt and just, yeah. it was very cool.
we came back home and laid in my bed for about an hour, she slept and i read and we waited for the guys to show up. and they did! it was a little awkward, 'cause just... yeah. so liz left and tuey came and we talked for a little while in my house, but ended up going to tuey's for lasagna. kinda sorta watched a movie (strange brew). it got really good, though, when we started eating.
ummm okay let's see, laura made fun of james working at mcdonald's, matt pulled down his pants, they described their titty bar experience, and matt, james, and laura exchanged tips on smuggling weed from canada. it was hilarious! i love those guys, i really do. i miss them already. =( it's okay, though, matt owes me a pair of pants.