i have this notebook. i write in it off and on, usually when i have things on my mind that i don't want to put up here. i wrote in it a lot toward the end of april, when the whole sam thing was going on. i felt like reading what was going through my head then, and i found this. it's cool. sorry i can't use the right signs and stuff, my keyboard's still broken.

sunday, may 4, 2003. 7;26 am. strange dream last night. first it was cole and liz and tobias in my room, cole was begging for drugs and tobias whipped out a big ol' bag of some kind of halucinogen. so me, cole, and tobias took some, then ended up being lectured about exchange students from a third world country. so cole turned into devon and we were giggling like mad and it was pretty funny. somehow i ended up in a field with nick, and he was telling me about this one time he spontaneously went skinny dipping with one of his gay friends. some girls showed up and were acting really weird so we walked away. i asked nick my grass question -where does grass grow naturally- but he couldn't answer. he left me in the school parking lot, and it was really dark outside. i went into the school and everyone was in the cafeteria, and the walls were covered in graffiti. something was wrong with wendy. she was crying. she told me she had walked up to josh -'cause he's single now- and at first said she was just talking to him and he slapped her. she was really upset because -i was thinking this- she'd convinced herself that josh liked her when he really couldn't stand her. so then her story changed, she'd walked up to him and kissed him, because she wanted to show him what it was like to really be kissed after all that time with allison or jillian or whatever her name was. and josh pushed her away. so. all wendy's friends got really mad and went off to confront him. i was mad at wendy for lying and wanted to talk to josh to get the full story. he was sitting on a table talking to sam. i didn't notice sam when i first walked over, until he wrapped his arms around my stomach and sort of hugged my belly. i recognized the top of his head. so, i talked to josh and asked him if that could've gone a little different -question mark- he didn't say anything, just looked up at me with these huge puppy-dog eyes and held my hand. awkward moment, but then my alarm woke me up. so i don't know. it was a strange dream, but good. i saw personalities in people i'd never imagined before.

there ya go kids. a glimpse of what i write when i think it's completely private. not really much of anything good in that one. but i like reading this journal, and i might start putting up other things i wrote in there.