i said i needed friday off, only to find out this morning that she doesn't need me on friday... so i could try to find the number to wild waves and tell them not to bother with my schedule... or just figure, screw it, i'll take what they give me. i think i'm gonna screw it.

saturday, april 19, 2003. 2:54 pm. when i was really little, 3 or 4 or so, i got a really bad ear infection. my mom had gone out with some friends for the night after putting me to sleep. i woke up in pain and began yelling for my mom. my dad, being the experienced parent, thought i just missed my mommy. so he let me cry. and i did. i thought my parents didn't care about me, that they were being cruel and punishing me for something i did wrong. i think that's my earliest memory, and definitely one of my clearest. i was terrified. i think that's where my fear of abandonment might've come from. i'm always scared that the people closest to me don't really care about what's happening to me. that someday they'll just decide i'm not worth it. they'll discover my fears and weaknesses, and they'll be cruel and use them against me. i'm scared that someday my mom won't come home, comfort me, tell me it's all going to be okay, and take me to the doctor to make it all better.

cole's going to come over today! i go to job training in about an hour, and when i get off at two, he'll be here. he's coming with my mom to pick me up. i have no idea what we're going to do, but hey, he'll be here! that's all that matters. we'll figure out the rest when we need to.