unbelievable. today was something out of a dream (for me).
when i tell you what i did, you'll laugh. but it meant the world to me.
cole came over. he and i sat around my room for an hour or two, messing around on my computer, arguing about music, fighting, sleeping, just goofing around. most of the time i was just trying to keep him from destroying my room. anyway, then we went over to brandon's and played video games, talked, and tossed a football around. liz came over too, so it was us and brandon's brothers. after we left, cole left his shirt at brandon's and there was this whole ordeal with giving pat (brandon's brother) directions so he could drive it over. liz and i walked cole to the bus stop, and it was sad, but it was all good.
i don't know, i know it doesn't sound like much. but i don't get days like this very often - days where i'm totally relaxed. there's always these expectations some of my friends have of me, that i need to act a certain way and be a certain person. but with liz and brandon, i don't get that. liz isn't my best friend anymore, i can understand that. but i like her a lot more than most of the other people i know. and brandon, well, i'm warming up to him. i'm comfortable around him, and i trust him with a lot of things that i couldn't tell, say, evan.
i'm rambling, you know? but i think what sums up the feeling of the whole day was this: when cole and i showed up at brandon's, his brother terry was skateboarding around the kitchen.
... okay, forget it, it's impossible for me to describe. but i'm in love.

i drove up to bothell today!
i talked to carmel!

i feel better!
bill broke up with divina. so much for new cousins, huh? oh well, now that i actually know what their relationship was like, i'm pretty okay with her being out of the picture.
i'm excited - i get to see my kids tonight! probably not for very long though, i'm heading over there pretty late. doesn't matter, just as long as i get to see them! i haven't seen them in about a month, i can't wait to see how much they've grown.
anyway, i was writing about bob.. i mean jack yesterday. sam called though, and i got distracted, so i gave up. i'll try to pick up where i left off.
personality, right? alright well he's a social butterfly, remembers everyone he meets and goes out of his way to meet people he doesn't know. he's just... the kind of person who everyone naturally loves. it's hard to explain exactly what i mean, but i think you get the idea.
now comes the cool stuff. his stuff. first, he's pierced. eyebrow, that's a given. tongue, and ears (three left, one right). he's inked on his chest (don't ask me what, i haven't put that much thought into it yet). he drives an old fashioned ice cream truck, covered in graffiti. fred (another person tuey and i made up, probably going to change his name too), his buddy, is a kickass mechanic and fixed it up so that it runs like a normal car. his job, well, currently he's working at the local one-hour photo hut, but in the past he's been everything from a bagboy to a bouncer.
i think that's about it for jack, i might add more if i ever get creative.

i think my tulip is dying. so much for all that.
i'm a spoiled brat and i feel like throwing a temper tantrum right now. i want to yell and scream and cry until i get my way. what's the problem? i want a membership to a gym. i want to be able to take the kickboxing class they offer at norpoint. it's more of an aerobics class, but hey, whatever they want to call it is fine with me. it would cost me about $5 every time, and i'd probably take it at least twice a week. so it's either $40 each month, or they could just buy me a membership, which is only $30 a month. but they won't, because "that's $360 a year". forget that they already are supposed to be giving me $20 allowance, which i haven't asked for since christmas. none of this is a problem with me, though, because i can easily just apply for the financial aid. scholarship, i think they call it. but that would be lying and my parents are honest citizens. they have the money, they just don't want to spend it. so, tough luck. you know what my dad told me i could do to get in shape? stop eating.
i think that makes me angrier more than anything else. he's being an ass today. earlier he made comments some really rude comments about my weight, and for the sake of my own self-esteem, i'm not putting them up here.
anyway. enough about that, it's only making me angier the more i think about it. i had lunch today with tuey, which was really fun, usually we don't talk to each other that much during lunch. we talked about the old days with bob, and decided that bob isn't a convincing enough name. so we're calling him jack. there are a lot of other names i would want to call him, except i know to many people that have those names already. so jack it is. he's turning three in june!
i think i should explain. i want to explain - i love talking about him. jack is tuey's and my imaginary friend. we were pretty bored a couple years back while we were camping. i remember we were wandering around back by the campsite, i think looking for firewood, when we decided we needed an imaginary friend. we named him robert smith, no middle name. (now he's robert jackson smith, so we can call him bob or jack). he was 19 then, born in 1980 on february 29. he's 23 now, which is cool. anyway, we were 13 when we made him up, so the rule was you have to be 13 or older to see him (the limit goes up each year, so steph's little sisters will never see him). he's 6'nothing, not bulky like a football player but not wirey like a soccer player. an even mix. his hair's brown, it used to be dyed red and spiked, but over time he's grown it out and just lets it do its own thing. he's got green eyes, 'cause y'know, no one really has real green eyes anymore.
jack was my creation, so he's essentially my dream guy. cheesy, i know, but it works! anyway his personality's great. charming, a real ladies man, polite and caring. but he's still a punk ass bitch. he's crazy and outgoing and does things impulsively, he's rude and crude and doesn't listen when people try to tell him what to do. but he has tact, and uses it when he needs it.

what is there to say? i had a very girly evening. i feel girly. i want to talk about girly issues like self-esteem and weight and clothes and nail polish. i won't, though, because that's just cruel and unusual punishment.
so instead i'll tell you how my tulip is doing. i put it in red food coloring dyed water on sunday, and now it's very faintly starting to get some pretty red streaks all through the yellow petals. it already had red tips and all, so it's going to be beautiful if it goes the way i want it to.

everything seems so great, so wonderful, so positive. and at the same time, i'm lost. i don't know what i'm doing and i feel unsure about everything i do. it's hard for me to deal with.

incredibly long day. testing, school, home for a full 30 minutes, fire department, mall, back home for maybe 3 minutes, store, sean's, now home again with no time to do any homework at all.
but it was good. amazingly, unbelievably good. maybe i'll write about it tomorrow, if i have the time.
i am "kind of chunky but still beautiful."

As you get older you will gain a bit more control over everything. Don't let anyone, even your parents, break you. Find good people who care about you and surround yourself with just them. If you can't find them at first, find good music and fall into it, let it hold you until they come.