don't let the smell stop you

Saturday, October 25, 2003

gin blossoms - follow you down

i saw ryan today. it was more wonderful than i could have imagined. i keep telling myself i'm too tired to go into the details, but i really want to.
ryan's terrific. he's one of the greatest, most meaningful people in my life. when i met him, i hardly thought he would be anything more to me than a passing aquaintance. i'm not sure why he and i became friends, but i'm eternally thankful that we did. i trust him with every problem in my life, whether i actually tell him or not.
anyway, today was incredible. he came over and ate a taco, then we immediately set out to clean my room. unbelievably, it's actually clean now! he made my bed and threw away my empty soda cans, while i folded clothes and put things away. we sat around my room for a lot of the time and talked, exchanging the kind of conversation that i've been starving for. brent called at one point and i talked to him for a while. and it really sunk into me one point ryan made - he asked me to imagine how i would feel if brent were slowly killing himself, and there was nothing i could do about it except watch it happen. the pain at just the thought is staggering. i don't think i really conveyed to him how much i wish i could help. ... anyway.
we never did go on a walk. but it didn't rain, either, so i don't feel too bad. i think it was almost better, because at one point for about maybe 5 minutes max, ryan sat on my computer typing up his theory (it'll be at the end of this post) and i read my book. of course it didn't last, but that we managed that comfortable silence for even a little bit of time is reassuring to me. it's good to know that there are people i can sit in silence with, doing different things but still connected to each other on some level.
so, tuey came over for a little bit before she went to babysit. and later ryan and i went to see radio with tobias. that was fun, although i wish we'd had more time to stand around because i want ryan to meet the new people in my life. i want the little circle of us (him, steph, brenda, me) to expand. ... oh, i don't know, i'm starting to talk out of my ass now. but my dad drove ryan home and i drove back from tacoma, and i'm tired.
i put a bunch of pictures on the ceiling above my bed. they're beautiful.

ryan's philosophy:
There is an actual feeling of Heaven on Earth when you think of it...

“The thoughts brought forth from one man’s opinions can either make or break the lives that he touches. There be not evil nor justice behind his thoughts but a sense of what he has deemed right or wrong. Let him flourish in his thoughts and let him live by all means. There is not a need for death, nor the goal of harm to him, but the goal of self preservation to all who are willed to do so. When evil men are set on this earth, the hand of God has given all who are righteous a challenge to overcome and He has shed light on us, that some of His creations are not meant to remain pure after birth until death. God has shed light on all at one point of our lives or another, and also delivered us all from much peril, and evil, but there are those who choose to not accept that He has come down from His throne in Heaven and intervened in the lives that He has created. Do what thou wilt should be the whole of the law. If this were to be true, the rule being that one can do what one wants to until it impedes on the rights of others. This is how I have come to imagine that God wanted His people to have lived, based solely on the fact that God, in His everlasting power, wanted us to live our lives according to the rules and or laws that He set forth. With this logic, one can assume that the free man is wise, and the wise man is free, only because of the fact that if we know who our creator is, and we live by His rules and or laws, we can be free to learn more about the everlasting powers of God, in turn making us wise, while being wise we can be free from ignorance. For we know that the root of all of the evil in the world, derives from the ignorance that some people have within their brains and hearts; this ignorance can break the spirits and lives of the ones that these evil doers are ignorant about. Let me ask you this, if the world had no evil, will there be a standard for good? Good cannot exist without evil, so as much as I wish that evil would be no more, I cannot accept that solely on the basis that there would be no good in the world. God gave us the power of free will, the power to choose between right and wrong, but without one of them, the other could not exist. Think, be free, have peace, love, and equality to your neighbor, and remember that you can change the lives of people in this world.”
~ Ryan Burrell
10/25/03

Friday, October 24, 2003

everclear - when it all goes wrong again

little things that shouldn't bother me are bugging the hell out of me lately. i don't like it because i feel myself turning into a bitch again. i don't think i'm pmsing (at least i hope i'm not!) it's just small stuff that's turned out to be a problem before, and i don't want it to again.
other than that, it's been a pretty good day overall. ran into ross at the grocery store and he helped me shop, gave him a ride home. finished another book. ran into donovan on my way out the door and we stood around and talked about my neighbor for a while. went to work. almost hit my neighbor on the way home because he didn't stop at a stop sign.
i'm tired. my vision's blurry.

Thursday, October 23, 2003

coheed and cambria - time consumer

it's like life finally realized what i was doing and said, "oh what? she's adjusting? we can't let her do that!" and so i'm back to stress mode. it mostly started up last night when i looked around my room and liz had fucked with all my jeans (the only clean part of my room, and also the hardest to keep up) and so they were all thrown over my floor, unfolded and in a complete mess. cue the mindless swearing and pissed-off-edness at everything i could find. i got them sort of cleaned up, but that wasn't the problem. my room's the problem. and my schedule. by the time i get home, i'm completely exhausted. i know what i have to do, and i look around and can see everything that needs to be done, but if i don't even have to energy to change my clothes before falling into bed, how can you expect me to clean my room and vacuum and unload the dishwasher and do my homework and all that?
but yeah. so then today wasn't too bad at first, i slept in and went to school late and went to devry university and ate free food and got a goody bag with a pen and cheap radio in it. on the way home the four of us (rai, fran, lisa, myself) went to starbucks and got coffee. when i got back to school it was about 1:45 and i was all ready to just go home and... voila! keys are missing! oooh, anger. so i searched my car through the windows, didn't see them. checked rai's car. no luck. basically, i've checked everywhere i've been today and still haven't found them. i got to see jeff though, really quick in the hall and give him a hug, and i got a ride home in randy's mustang, so it actually wasn't all bad. at work i hung up spiderwebs in the haunted tunnel and basically didn't do anything strenuous at all. i loved it!
now i'm home and aching and tired and not really happy with anything. so much stuff to do, so little energy to make myself start it. and just... yeah. i found out i have to work tomorrow night, too. so that killed my weekend. but then again, highlight! i'll get to see ryan -finally- on saturday! i'm really excited about that, so i guess things aren't too bad after all. i just have anger at nothing in general that needs to be vented.

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

dispatch - the general

first of all, i heard that song on the radio today and i think i might've even scared jeff with how obsessive i was over it. it's beautiful. i don't even know where i heard it, or how i know it, but i heard it and flipped out and have been singing it all day since.
so this morning i ran around the gym for 10 minutes all by myself. i felt like such a retard at first, but then i got over my embarassment and hammed it up. i would've scared people, if they'd been around to see me. i was grinning like a fool and laughing and jumping around finding all the spots on the gym floor that creaked when you stepped on them.
went through the motions of school as usual. tuey was at school today! she's in decatur now! yippee!!! brandon got a job at regal, and we played hackey sack all during lunch.
after school! entertainment big time! i got to be a soccer mom and drove liz, jeff, and brandon to brandon's house (got brownies while we were there). after that liz changed and we met donovan at goodwill, went shopping! got lotsa neat-o stuff for halloween and normal use.
came home and jeff and i walked allll over the ridge in the rain, it was wonderful. we both got soaked and laughed and goofed around and had a great time getting all wet. it was absolutely wonderful, though i have to admit i missed ryan like mad. i almost even felt guilty for breaking our tradition, but it was insanely fun and ryan's okay with it, so it's all good.
we came home and dried our clothes and watched tv waiting for my mom to get home. he actually got in trouble for not being home, and i feel bad about that, but.. well, it was fun, and i'm glad i got to spend the day with him.
i ate dinner with my mom at the clubhouse grill, and i have to say, i feel tons better now. my mom's wonderful, and it was even better for the two of us to just sit and eat our salads (not those crappy wimpy kinds. hers was taco, lots of ground meat and sour cream and stuff. mine was chicken and mushroom and bacon bits over lettuce and i am stuffed!). we talked about everything we could think of, from body fat to the whole emotional mess i went through last year to how i was an 'accident'. it was great! i'm really tired though, but fortunately my mom says it's fine to skip first period tomorrow and just go into school around 8:15 for the 'field trip'.

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

hot water music - jack of all trades

hellooooo children! oh my, it's wonderful to be home. i walked in the door of my house and instantly felt energized (it also helped that i didn't have to worry 'bout carrying anything, 'cause donovan got it all for me.) but yeah, so the whole conference thing was a trip. fun, yeah, but boring too. sunday, lesse, i spent most of the day standing around bored, calling people on my cell phone (cousin, tuey, boyfriend). spent the bus ride tuned out listening to atticus II. ran around bellevue looking for a mcdonald's and saw a midget in a wheelchair that looked like fonze (izzat how you spell it?) from happy days. actually, i spent most of the whole trip pointing out freaky looking people (david 'n ross got kinda annoyed by it.) umm... so yeah... oh right, sunday night, ate at azteca, bad food, bad service, but it was funny too. mini things like the beansteak.
monday was just a bunch of conferences, nothing notable to talk about for the morning. didn't eat lunch. got free jones soda though! more boring seminars. the big event thing in the theater was a bust, i sat talking to tuey on my cell phone the whole time. the big highlight of the conference was running back to the hotel in the pouring down rain. i got completely soaked through, and i loved it! it reminded me of when ryan and i used to go for walks in the rain. so yeah, they tried to get us to go to a group dinner... heh, that was stupid. didn't eat anything, called jeff and talked to him the whole time. skipped the dance (heard it was a bust anyway), hung out in david 'n ross's hotel room with chelsea most of the whole night. ordered a giant pizza and breadsticks and munched on foodstuffs while doing homework and watching tv... also jumped on the beds a lot, managed the get the mattress completely off the bed and onto the floor! called tuey again and talked to her for a long time. she might be getting back into decatur this week! hurrah! -note: after the conference, and going nuts in the hotel rooms and running around in sweats for a good 4 hours, i've decided to take my dad up on his promise, and road trip with tuey this summer, headed somewhere east.
today! um, yeah, one last boring seminar. barely made it through alive, only thing kept me going was humming the whistling song from kill bill and pointing out the guy in front of us who looked like donnie darko. walked back to the hotel with ross, and i was sad to leave. not the conference, not at all! but i liked, loved, that feeling of independance, walking down the empty streets of bellevue after it had just rained, wearing business-y clothes and knowing that the past couple days, everything had been up to me. getting ready, getting to the seminars, getting in before they filled up, asking questions and getting information... i dunno, it was just a really heady feeling, and it felt good. steph, it felt like what canada should've been, the absolute freedom. anyway, enough about that. school was alright, worked out in weight training but still have to make up my run tomorrow morning (GRR!). did pretty bad on the history unit test. umm.. and yeah!
ohhh it was wonderful to see everyone again, too! especially jeff, of course. when i first walked into the weight room is was reeaaally tempting to just run up and tackle him, but i figured that wouldn't be a good idea since he was lifting weights. so yeah!
oh and if you really care, irene wasn't at work today so i got to make up my own work schedule, 'n i cleaned and did pretty much everything she would've had me do anyway, but i felt better deciding to do it on my own.
i also got pictures! so those might be scanned in a week or two, and if not, remind me!
also, i've decided i need a really, really good back massage soon. i'm thinking about going to the mall and getting into one of those water tube things. where's a fair when you need one?
hello, diet coke addiction, i missed you the last couple days! also, i named my subconscious nicole.