pistol grip - the unwanted

i'm not going to take a shower until i get back from work, so i can be all fresh and pretty for the nutcracker.
so now i've got a while to waste before work.
i think i'll paint my nails.

jewish gangster mix

i really don't know what to say. really, my big complaint can't be written about in here. i can sort of generalize about it, though. i guess.
i can't write about "the issue" in here. and the reason why i can't is another issue. i can't write about it because i don't want to hurt this person. (let's just call this person t-bone) t-bone is very close to me. t-bone, the bonester, reads this thing when they get the chance. t-bone is also very sensitive to what i say about them. and so even though i might be extremely annoyed with the bonester's very presence in my life right now, i can't say anything or act on it in any way because i would feel terrible, scheusslich for causing them any kind of hurt. i don't want to offend them. i don't want t-bone to be mad at me, either. so i just sit and twiddle my thumbs and wait for something to change.
and this is what i do for every person i care about, when i have a problem with something about them. i don't say a word (to them). i just wait... and wait... and wait. and when it gets to be too big to ignore, i bust out of nowhere with all this pent-up frustration and it's usually not good. i don't yell or anything... but it usually hurts the person worse than if i'd just said something in the first place.
oh, and tuey. t-bone is not you, even though i look back and it sounds like it should be (bonester, tuester... yeah)

the postal service - such great heights



"that many had ventured farther and done so in finer style bothered me not. my journey was my own and I found it to be quite spectacular."
that painting's by markus pierson... worship, for that painting is godly.
today, i locked myself out of the house. while i was trying to get my dog to hurry up and come inside, i was slamming the sliding door shut to make it louder. and it locked behind me. so li'l old me got to walk (carefully!) through the backyard in my bare feet carrying a towel in the rain, because of that stupid dog. oddly enough, at this moment would be the first time i'd seen my neighbors in weeks.
i also went christmas shopping with jon. it was fun. =) i like jon, he's a wonderful person, everything about him is good. i don't think he's got a seriously cruel, manipulative bone in his body. it's an amazing thing to see in a person. i love spending time with him, and today was just another great day thanks to him!

matchbox twenty - time after time (acoustic cover)

sorry, sorry, but i was just sitting on my bed, writing out my to-do list, and i was thinking about home-made presents. i like them, i like putting time into a gift for someone else, rather than getting something that takes about 5 minutes to pick out and buy. unfortunately, these kinds of unique gift ideas usually only come in regard to people i barely know. for example, i'm shit out of luck for what i could possibly make for stephanie. but i know exactly how i'm going to get world peace for evan.
i'm going all freudian on you now, but i think this is because of a childhood experience. when i was littler, about 9 or 10 (i vaguely remember doing this in my room in idaho) i made my mom an angel ornament for christmas. i cut up a really pretty barbie-sized blanket that i had (i remember it was for her horse) and put cotton balls in the middle, and sewed it up to make it kind of like a cheap ghost. i spent a lot of time making the perfect angel wings, cutting them out and putting sparkly glitter glue on them, and attaching them to the cheap ghost. i got a piece of wire and wrapped it around the neck to make a halo. i even hotglued a little string on the back so it could be hung up. ... i don't think i was ever prouder of something that i'd made. i loved it, and i thought my mom would be thrilled when she opened it. i put it in tissue paper in a box, laid it out so it looked all pretty, and wrapped it up and stuck it under the tree. when she opened it on christmas, i was watching her closely so i could memorize exactly how happy she would be to have something so thoughtful, something that i spent so much time making. and i remember she kind of looked confused for a minute, then smiled up at me and was like "thanks chelsea" and put it to the side. she put the ornament on the tree later, but i've never seen it again since we took the tree down that year. i assume she threw it away... so my freud analysis of this is that, basically, i don't trust people to appreciate something that i give in earnest. i'll give things away casually, because if i don't care in the first place, then it won't hurt if the person i gave it to doesn't appreciate it. but if i really, truly put effort into what i'm doing for the person, and they don't respond... it hurts. heh, i'm thinking of other exampls of the same sort of case, and i can see how many times things like that have happened to me... like, the other day i was going through my parents' drawers looking for some film for me camera, and i found the necklace and earrings i bought for my mom a couple years ago for christmas... in the same box they were bought in, the little wires still holding the necklace in place.
maybe my mom's just a bitch who doesn't appreciate the things i try to do for her.
but she's not a bitch. i love her, i just don't know how to explain these things.

briggs - unfriendly



doogers! (hah, i used to say that so much in sixth grade) i finally figured out how to put pictures up here! up there for all of you's is michael kimbrough (kimbrough!!!) and ryan (uhh... i forgot his last name!) and in between is someone's nephew.
but yeah! oh, gravey, you have no idea how wonderful i feel now. that stupid funk i was going through - poof, gone! it's like, i came to school and just felt -good-. forget the attention from the hair - i was (pleasantly) surprised every time someone mentioned it. but just... i had energy again. confidance. ahh, confidance, that oh-so-attractive quality that i've been missing for so long... it felt good to do things when normally i'd just sit back and be quiet and hope no one noticed me.
during first lunch today (since ellis seems to hate me and is making me work third lunch these days) i went into the career center to talk to... hosford, is that her name? the career center lady. i talked to her for a good long while about scholarships, and colleges, and careers, and such like that. i'm thinking i'm going to go in there and talk to her every day i have first lunch now. i mean, after all, why not do something productive when there's no one around i want to talk to? so yeah. hopefully i can finally get more involved in things, too. she suggested job shadows and the like so i can get a feel for what my interests are. see, my situation sucks. i love crafts, i love hands-on things, i like creativity and i'd kill to learn the guitar, or how to knit... but i've never been able to do it. marketing is getting a little more interesting, but not because of any of the business-related things. i want to take an art class, but because i haven't been in any of the basic stuff, i can't get into the advanced things where they go beyond the basics i taught myself.
you know, when i get out on my own, maybe in my late twenties and stuff, i really, really hope i get off my ass and get involved. take up some kind of self-defense class, pottery lessons, anything... i don't want to be boring. i want to get involved in the things that i don't have time for now.
that too. i've decided, since probably no one's going to take me seriously about this knitting thing, that i'm going to go out and find a book on how to knit, and get all the supplies, and sit myself down and do it.
there are so many things, though, that i have planned to do. tomorrow, sign up for sat's and find out more about this lifeguard class tasha and i want to take. finish filling out applications. (do homework!) eventually go to a lap swim and figure out if/how well i can still swim. clean my room, christmas shop. rewrite my math and history notes, of all things! it's insane. i really should write stuff down as i think it up, or else i'll forget and remember again at the most inconvenient times (like right in the middle of mopping the floor, when there's no way i can write it down to remember.)
saturday, i'm going to miss pat's party... that makes me very sad... however, it's a sacrifice i'm willing to make. my parents are taking me to the nutcracker!!

atomic steve - hell if i know the name

got a free cd from tijs today, one track from their band... it's not bad... not exceptional, either. just another punk band, i guess.
so! i got my excitement back! (for today, at least.) i finally got fed up with myself, and did something i've been considering for weeks, and more seriously for the past couple days. right after school i ran home and got my paycheck, cashed it, waited around at mcdonald's until 3:30 with liz (she treated me to lunch with stolen money!). when the magic hour came... i went back to hairmasters and got my hair dyed!
it's gorgeous, i'm completely, totally in love with it. big chunky platinum blonde and red highlights, and the undersides a kinda chocolate brown. she trimmed it, actually a lot more than i wanted, but i love the feel of short bouncy hair. so... yes, i am happy. i'm laughing and grinning and i've got energy again! who'd've thought that a little ($95) change could make such a difference? now i'm wondering how lyposuction would make me feel....
it's funny, when i came home and showed my dad, he freaked over how much it cost me. he was like "merry christmas!" boy howdy did i shut him up when i told him i paid for it! he just kinda stopped grinning and was like, "oh." you could tell he was thinking "shit! that means i still have to think of something!"

third eye blind - narcolepsy

i'm going to try to make this quick, since i really, desperately should be elsewhere. however, procrastination has always, always been a problem of mine. it's just been getting worse, that's all.
i think i'm really stressed. not enough sleep or something. but it might be something else. during the day i'm okay. but when it gets dark out (at 4!!!) i start getting all... down. not really depressed, i don't think. i just don't feel good about myself, i don't feel good about my life. i can't get myself to be excited about anything. i'm a real drag when it comes to conversations.
i also crave getting out of this rut. i don't like the way i feel. i don't like who i am. i want to get up and get out and experience life and enjoy it, like i used to. what the hell is wrong?? why can't i do that anymore? maybe i just have selective memory. maybe i've always felt like this, but i can't remember. maybe i just make myself remember the fun stuff, not the way i feel disconnected from everything around me.