pearl jam - last kiss

this day's been up, and down, and up and down and up and down again. i can't keep track of it all. from the moment of pure panic i had at work to laughing at "tyranosaurus rex, raaa". from wanting to start a fight to deciding to let go. just getting home now, all i wanted was to hide away in my room, relax and finally have some time to myself... and the dog was in my trash, everything in shreds all over my room. i hit my knee on my desk, too, and just.... it's been a long day. i don't want to see my family, i don't want to talk to anyone besides jeff or... or maybe someone from long beach. that'd make my entire day. fortunately, although i did forget to call him, cole will hopefully be here monday and tuesday, so i'll at least have him. that won't be bad at all.
anyway, this morning, 1 am, brent and i went shopping... bonding moment, i really enjoyed it. i slept from 2-10:30 am, then my mom woke me up to remind me that i had to work at 11. worked from 11-3:30. went shopping at spencer's with brent, tuey, and ryan. came home and drove to seattle to see the final matrix. ate at quizno's. came home. not in a good mood at all, but i don't want to go to sleep unhappy, so maybe if i stay up long enough i'll find something that'll help me feel better.

rise against - voices off camera

i couldn't get into it at first. i mean, sure it was a good day. school was easy and liz, donovan, and i ran around again after school at goodwill and toys 'r us and the dollar store. liz and i tried on wedding dresses at goodwill. donovan bought insane lights from the dollar store. it was good. but i didn't enjoy it as much as i should've. then at rai's, i mean, it was fun and all. i kicked sarah's ass at... shit... i already forgot the name of that game. but it was insane. i want to buy an x-box just so i can play that game for hours on end. anyway, i hid away in rai's room for a while, listening to angry rock and surfing the 'net. fran and i talked for a while. and i just felt so.. disconnected. you know, like i've been feeling a lot for the last long while.
but it did get better. donovan, liz, and chris crowded into rai's room with us. we put on techno and turned out the lights and had a little mini-rave. (at least, that's what rai says we were doing.) after, chris and i talked in his room with mountain dew. nothing real important. i just feel like i've found an old friend again (another one.) donovan and i sat out on their roof with his lights and watched their neighbor, and made up stories about the two orange lights in their basement. it was just... fun. plain old, good simple fun. nothing illegal, nothing angry, nothing offensive. just fun. chris's dad heard us out there eventually and we had to climb back inside, and we all crowded downstairs and played more video games, more card games. and it felt good. i can still relate to people after all. anyway, this weekend's going to be a long one, but i'm looking forward to it. i hope it'll be fun.

no music tonight

it felt good to take the day off. slept in, lazed around, didn't think, didn't do anything i didn't want to.
going over to michelle's was weird, though. seeing someone else in charge of my kids. i probably could have been a little nicer to matt, but it was like he was invading my territory. i babysit jj and isaac. sure, michelle has other babysitters, but i do it the most, i enjoy it, they like me. matt didn't even know what he was doing. and i was his babysitter! i mean, yeah, it was his first time ever babysitting. and i've been taking care of them for 3 years. his first time in that house - my romping grounds. but he was completely useless. he made isaac cry worse by trying to dump him in the crib when i specifically told him "hold him and rock him". and i wasn't impressed by how he ignored the kids and kept trying to talk to me the whole time. i didn't like matt when liz brought him home with her. i didn't like him when i was being paid to watch him. and i don't like him now that i have no reason at all compelling me to be nice. i was still nice to him... but he is so unbelievably annoying... 'course, i know if i was a sevie and had a chance to talk to a highschool junior i'd soak it up... but ugh. empathy only goes so far.
anyway, i'm feeling a little better, sick-wise. voice isn't as bad as it was, but now my nose is all congested, with occasional urgent ejections of green mucus. my eyes are red and water and stingy. everything feels fuzzy and disconected, and earlier i was wheezing when i breathed.
ohhh high school, how confusing you are. i can't take anything seriously because i know there's a better life waiting for me, and yet i can't forget that i'm supposed to enjoy the moments while i can. at least, i used to. now, all this seriousness and stuff is getting to me and i can't seem to let go as well i used to be able to. i'd kill for summer again. i'd kill for the few weeks before summer. i'd kill to spend another day at brandon's playing video games, another day eating ice cream with liz. another day driving around with steph.
i remember the day after the concert, right before school started. jeff had gone home and tuey had finally woken up. we went to wendy's for breakfast. it was a sunny morning/noon-ish time and we sat with our food and i was so happy, everything was perfect. tuey had brandon, i had jeff, we both could finally swap stories and bask in our relationships, everything had this golden fuzzy glow and i was so excited for everything that was coming. now, yeah, i still have stuff to look forward to. but it doesn't seem as wonderful as it did. it's like, everything's become a chore. i like seeing jeff, but i have to force myself to show enthusiasm. i like talking to my friends, but most of the time i'm just so sick of trying to be cheerful that i become silent and bitter.
and you know, as much as that all sounds like i should be depressed, i'm not. despite all these bitter and almost helpless feelings, like i'm growing up and becoming boring and mature and i can't do anything about it, i'm still happy. life is still good. i just don't think i'm as fun as i used to be. i'm the grumpy old lady surrounded by all the happy kids, who likes their childish enthusiasm but can't help herself from criticizing everything they do.

suicide machines - i never promised you a rose garden

real quick, today was neat 'cause i skipped 4th and 6th period, and slept, and then came back to school to get jeff and we tried going to his house and playing video games... but all the power in his garage went out, so we went to my house instead and played mariokart 64, and watched sixteen candles, and played more mariokart. just got back from driving him home and i feel absolutely horrible, so i'm not goin to school tomorrow.
ugh, and now i feel worse. one o' my friends has a problem with jeff and is now going out of his way to make him look bad... y'know, when we got out of junior high, i kinda figured people had grown up and stopped making fun of people they dislike. okay, that's actually a lie... but the way it's been done... it's childish. and it's just making my head hurt worse, so i'm going to bed.

mighty mighty bosstones - wrong thing right then

So here's what happened this time,
I'm sure that it's the last time,
I'm over going over it, it's over once again.
What am I gonna do with me,
I blew the opportunity,
by saying something asinine,
I've gotta watch this mouth of mine.

I sure said the wrong thing right then, try to forgive.
I'll never say that again, as long as I live.

As I remember the events,
I'm tryin' hard to make some sense
My mouth is my arch-nemesis,
you think that I'd be used to this.
What the master said, `bout sticks and stones,
I blew it now, and I'm all alone,
Let me take it back, I was only joking,
my mouth is shut but my heart is broken.

I sure said the wrong thing right then, try to forgive.
I'll never say that again, as long as I live.

I sure said the wrong thing
(right then I said the wrong thing)
(right then I said the wrong thing)
(right then I said the wrong thing)
(right then I said the wrong thing)

I was way ahead, and I should have quit,
instead I put my foot in it,
My mouth I hold responsible,
what I need now's a miracle.
So that's what happened this time,
no question it's the last time,
If I get out of this one with my skin,
I'll mind the mouth that got me in.

I sure said the wrong thing
(right then I said the wrong thing)
I sure said the wrong thing, right then, try to forgive.
I'll never say that again, as long as I live.



my mouth tastes like stale blood. i'm guessing that's not a good thing...?

audio karate - betrayed

jeff wasn't at school today. i was really looking forward to seeing him again, maybe spend the day after school... but, well, besides a short maybe 2 minute call during lunch, i haven't seen/heard from him at all. i don't know, i've just got this weird feeling that everything's not as right as it was before halloween... i think i've fucked up pretty bad. like steph said, in a relationship, everything you do effects the other person. i'm kind of jumping to conclusions here, but i'm a girl, so give me a break. but i figure what i did at least added a little to jeff's mood, and just thinking that's got me feeling pretty bad too. hell, even at brandon's, i didn't enjoy myself as much as i thought i would. guilt trip, i guess. i hate these things. but, yeah, despite being sad that jeff didn't want to see me today, i guess i still had fun.
after school i went to tuey's... drank ice water and watched her chop her garbage can with a butcher knife... then at 2:40 i had to go pick up liz from detention. we drove around for 'bout half an hour, driving by people's houses... long story short, i think my ex saw us and i forgot where sam lives (hurrah!). we kept driving and saw some people from school and then i drove her home and went back to tuey's.
steph 'n i spent the day just doing dumb stuff... standing around her kitchen, deciphering meghan's sign language, and talking. talked lots with steph, it felt good, even though it killed my throat completely and i sound absolutely horrible now. then we came to my house and ate cake and stir fry and drank soda and she planned out her room in my pantry, and i drank nasty cold medicine. now she's gone and i have to do homework for the two big tests i have tomorrow.
... you know, as much as i love to avoid problems, i don't think i could bear skipping school tomorrow. sure, it'd be okay with my mom... but that's too much work to try to make up. sure i'm sick enough for it to be a reasonable excuse, but... i'd just be avoiding it all. and i need to stop doing that. i need to suck it up and see it through.

lawrence arms - nebraska

i've come down with a cold. i sounded like a frog this morning, it was kinda cool.
yesterday kind of went by without anything happening. i don't remember the hours between 12 and 7. i know i cleaned my room and did other random stuff, but i don't see how i could've spent 7 hours doing absolutely nothing... but yeah.. so around 7 i got fed up and drove off, went to the supermall and bought some random shit, necklaces and mittens and a sweatshirt and a car freshener. the bastards left the security tag on the mittens, though, and i didn't realize that until way later. jeff called while i was gone 'n i called him back when i got home, but i was tired 'n starting to fade out. i was kind of in a trance from keeping myself awake while driving. anyway, so it was kind of a pointless conversation and i feel bad that i wasn't more awake to talk to him.
anyway, woke up this morning, parents left for a drive of some sort and i had the house to myself. jeff's finishing up moving in and cleaning their apartment, so i couldn't see him. i went to seatac and got the tag removed, bought some pants and came home again.
i really didn't have anything to do. i turned up greenday and wandered around for a while. i remember liz had been looking through my pictures on friday and i went to do that. it's amazing all the memories they brought back... good times, all of them, but unfortunately a lot of the circumstances have changed. there was the pictures of travis and i before the banquet... and he's dead now. i feel kind of numb every time i think that. there were the pictures from illahee, of me and anna, josh, evan, rachel... i don't even talk to them anymore, or at least rarely. wild waves with vanessa and the group. ... sam. who could've guessed how everything turned out?
i'm sorry to be talking about sam again. but seeing his picture and then liz brought him up today... it's got me thinking about it again. i guess i'll always think about him now and then, but it's stopped hurting, thank god. i can thank jeff for that. =) but yeah, liz thought she saw him at work a couple days ago, which could be possible since i don't even know where he's going to college. anyway, she asked me, if i had the chance, would i go back and do it again, or avoid it completely? i've thought about that before. and i know i'd do it again. seriously, i have some really good memories from all of it. wonderful stuff that i never want to forget. i just wish it could have ended differently. i told her, i'd go back and do it again, but not hoping that i could end up with him. i don't want that at all. i'd just go back and enjoy it, have fun, but see the signs and protect myself from how it ended, so i wouldn't have all that emotional damage i put myself through.
anyway, like i said, you just can't predict how things are going to end up. you just have to enjoy the good stuff while you've got it. and that's what i've been trying to do. what i'll keep trying to do.
i like my new pants.