proclaimers - i'm on my way

matthew perry.

johnny cash - hurt

okay so unlike the terrible lonely empty days spent in my house all alone, today was interesting.
i just got home and i got my paycheck today! $300! whoo!
so. after school i came home, saw no one around who wanted to use the car, so off i went to tuey's and sat in her room going through her shit until she got home. i found a silly book about a schizo boy and started reading that. tuey 'n brandon came home and we ate leftover pizza, i advised shauna on her asb president campaign at illahee, and basically the three of us sat in her basement and chewed the fat for a good long while. we drove brandon to work at 4, and almost died several times getting down to auburn and back. this one guy pissed tuey off and she started tailgating him (worse than she always does. you know.) and well... yeah we almost died. and then this old bastard was on our ass through federal way so i glared at him and we scared him, it was really funny! yeah and i know other stuff was going on but i don't remember all that clearly, we were listening to blink's enema of the state.
so when we got home we sat around her house, tuey passed out on the couch and i finished her book. dude, the guy that fixes her tv was really creepy, he came in and started watching tv and just... sat there. she's right. he does that!
umm so then she had to babysit, so we went to fred meyer and got junk and i went 'n hung out with rory 'n brenna for a while 'cause she doesn't love me.
and this made me sad.
just, it's always been brandon and tuey for so long that is was... strange, to be around other people from school. do you know what i mean? it's hard to explain. very few of the people i see on a daily basis go to decatur. very few. so it was like, hey, i know these people, but... weird. anyway, it was nice. we played frisbee and laid in the grass and it was fun. it just.. shit i'm really bad at describing things tonight. it's been a while since i've been around new people and not in a huge group. and i've always been telling tuey i need new friends, and i realized tonight that this was kind of what i've been trying to find. throwing a frisbee around in the dark, just random nonsense shit. i've missed that. i remember back in the day, brandon and i stood in the middle of his family room and threw a nerf football back and forth for like... an hour. and it was just cool. so, yeah. i really really hope this summer is like that, new people and new things, instead of the same old sitting around.
however! i do still like my sitting around time, no worries. after rory kicked me out of his house i went back to tuey's, where laura and brian and justin's parents were standing around the kitchen drinking margaritas. and so i talked to them for a little bit, and brian got mad at me for having twizzlers, tho justin's parents took them and started making sexual jokes about them. i love tuey's house! it's seriously my home. i was born into the wrong family.
so tuey came and took me away 'bout 5 or 10 minutes after i got home and we went next door and watched a vh1 thing on aerosmith the whole night. just sat on the couch and talked about how awesome aerosmith is, and tuey's obsession with joe, and we drank soda and sobe and she danced and her sister umm.. did homework? yeah. it was wonderfully comfortable and loved every moment of it, but i definitely noticed the contrast between the kind-of... excitement? tension? anticipation? with people you don't know so well and the complete blah-ness (and when i say that, i mean the image of two people sprawled on a couch for hours on end and never once feeling like there needs to be a conversation), comfort and confidance level with someone who knows virtually every detail of your life.
and, brent dearest called me today so i suppose i'll be drinking tea with him on the beach tomorrow. it's funny tho, he was looking at movies while he was talking to me and telling me nothing's good in the theaters, but it didn't click that he doesn't have a computer here until i came home, found my door wide open, all the applications and stuff open, and the web on moviefone. grrr, payback for all the times i went through his stuff i guess.
this morning i downloaded two very cool songs, social distortion's cover of ring of fire, and johnny cash's cover of hurt, so i've been singing them all day and getting the lyrics messed up and totally pissing tuey off. and then i downloaded a bunch more social distortion while i was at school and now i'm listening to them.

five iron frenzy - a flowery song

while i was at goodwill today, i was standing in line watching the people in front of me. the mother was massively overweight, the kids underfed. the little girl stank and all their hair was really greasy. and now that i've established that terrible mental representation of them, i liked them. the little boy (cole!) was tying his sister's shoe while the older brother begged his mom until he got money for a fake tattoo.
also, right as i was leaving someone shouted really scarily. turns out it was ryan. ryan!! yeah, man. goodwill is the place to be on a thursday night.
so i got some really nifty bowling shoes, yet another ymca/boys and girls club/organized child sports team shirt, and an ugly sweatshirt. there was a really cool skirt with all sorts of crazy teals and greens and whites that i wanted, but it turned out they were too big and partially shorts. so nevermind.
brent's home! i came home from work and went into the bathroom to wash my hand before i ate the pizza, and when i opened the door he was right there just like he always used to be. it made me incredibly happy to see him again, scaring the shit out of me. i tackled him 'n gave him a huge hug and we're going to have fun over his spring break.

because it's such a beautiful song. and five iron frenzy is... special, to me.

five iron frenzy - dandelions

In a field of yellow flowers,
underneath the sun,
bluest eyes that spark with lightning,
boy with shoes undone.
He is young, so full of hope,
reveling in tiny dreams,
filling up, his arms with flowers,
right for giving any queen.

Running to her beaming bright,
while cradling his prize.
A flickering of yellow light,
within his mother's eyes.
She holds them to her heart,
keeping them where they'll be safe,
clasped within her very marrow,
dandelions in a vase.

She sees love, where anyone else would see weeds.
all hope is found.
Here is everything he needs.

Fathomless your endless mercy,
weight I could not lift.
Where do I fit in this puzzle,
what good are these gifts?
Not a martyr, or a saint,
scarcely can I struggle through.
All that I have ever wanted,
was to give my best to you.

Lord, search my heart,
create in me something clean.
Dandelions
you see flowers in these weeds.

Gently lifting hands to heaven,
softened by the sweetest hush,
a Father sings over his children,
loving them so very much.
More than words could warrant,
deeper than the darkest blue,
more than sacrifice could merit,
Lord, I give my heart to you.

moneen - tonight, i'm gone

uhhhhhhh..... today after school i watched bowling for columbine, then did my precal homework. awesome, go me! i actually did what i was supposed to do for once! so yeah then my dad and i got into a discussion about gun control and america and stuff, and he told me about the one time when scott was little, he found my grandpa's hand gun and was waving it around in my grandma's face... this was my mom's dad, and her mom before she died. i guess grandpa bill's a real gun nut - should've known. anyway, yeah. scott was a real gun-lover as a kid.

blur - this is a low

long day. after school liz wanted to jump into the lake, so we drove to steel lake and she did. i took pictures and she got sand and dirty water all over the inside of my car. but it was still fun!
i sat for two hours with my mom and scott on the couch tonight and we watched law and order. that is such an addictive show! the first episode involved a mother having an affair with her daughter's boyfriend. i turned to my mom: "don't ever sleep with my boyfriend." she just sat there silent for a little while, which kinda creeped me out, until she whispered to me: "that hit a little too close to home." which really creeped me out. and so she explained and let's just say you learn something new about your family every day. !! i can't say exactly and i don't really want to either, but ohhh, the dirty family secrets!
while i was bugging my mom to tell me more, scott brought up this girl at his work who gossips lots about her family. her father's girlfriend called his house looking for him, the wife answered the phone. girlfriend: "hi is pat there?" wife: "no i'm sorry he's out right now." girlfriend: "oh okay. who's this?" wife: "this is his wife, who's this?" girlfriend: "well, i thought i was his girlfriend..."
men like that are scum.
tomorrow is wednesday. not sure what will happen, but hopefully something.

jimmy eat world - she's perfect

and just to even out the emotions of the day, i feel better. my eyes are red and they sting, but i'm happy and i have something to look forward to again.

moneen - are we

missinglunchbox: my dad came in and started a huge conversation about religion
missinglunchbox: and basically tore apart every insecurity i have with myself and who i am and who i'm becoming
antisocialguy156: o god
missinglunchbox: and now i'm shaking and crying and hyperventilating and have no self esteem left
missinglunchbox: and it's nothing he did, nothing at all.
antisocialguy156: wub da chelsey
missinglunchbox: just bringing up the subject brought up all the doubts i have with myself, and there's nothing he can do to help me feel better about myself.
missinglunchbox: so.. yeah. i feel like shit right now, thanks.
antisocialguy156: well :::hug:::
missinglunchbox: and even talking to you hurts because you don't even know where i'm coming from
missinglunchbox: you and stephanie and brandon and everyone. not a single person i know ever seems to even consider these kinds of conflicts, between what they do everyday and what they're expected to do based on their beliefs.
missinglunchbox: everyone seems to have rejected christianity and they're okay with it. i can't do it. i can't live with myself the way i am, i can't do more than what i do now, and i can't turn away from it either because i don't even know where else to go or what else to do or even why i'd want to change who i am.
antisocialguy156: chels you are fine the way you are
antisocialguy156: and i know i cannot relate but ill try
missinglunchbox: maybe. but i could be better, right? i am a christian and i believe in the bible. and based on what the bible says i'm not doing enough. what you accept me as is something that won't live up to the other people who believe what i do. i'm not a good fucking christian. and i don't want to be either. but i can't accept that. because it's been ingrained into everything i am that i have to do these things.
missinglunchbox: that's why i don't like the idea of fooling around with someone just for the hell of it. i can't do that. i could do it with someone in a relationship, someone i care about and i'm expecting to be around for a while.. but if there's nothing behind it then it just feels wrong, and sick, and cheap.
antisocialguy156: chels most people don't actully know wtf they believe till there atleast in there 20s or 30s, thats when everyone i know has become whom they are weather its rejecting or embracing their religon
antisocialguy156: so do most people
missinglunchbox: but if i don't do anything, just wait until i'm in my 20s and 30s then i'm not going to want to be a christian.
missinglunchbox: i want to set it aside and deal with it later but i can't, because if i ignore it then it'll die and i'll lose it.
missinglunchbox: and it'd just be luck or divine intervention or whatever if i just happen to have a moment later in my life when i'm reminded of this way i feel now and go back to the lord.
missinglunchbox: i can't just trust that i'll be called back when i'm older. but i can't completely devote my life to one thing right now when i still don't even know what else is out there.
missinglunchbox: i know it's right but i still want the experiences. i don't want to close my life off to something new, even though i know what i have right now is the right way to go, for me.
missinglunchbox: and it's okay cole, you don't have to try to talk to me about this. there aren't any fucking answers.
antisocialguy156: the don' t totaly devote your life to it
antisocialguy156: shit all the people i know that are christan go to church and youth group but they don't let it rule there lives, its a thing they believe in nothing else
missinglunchbox: and i don't go to youth group or church
antisocialguy156: tehn if u feel so bad aobut not being a good christan go a few times
missinglunchbox: what they do is what i call hypocrisy. how can you go and say all this shit and then leave and live life completely differently?
antisocialguy156: yea
missinglunchbox: no. i don't want to be like that.
antisocialguy156: chels to me its sounds like your real confused right now so jsut take a breather
antisocialguy156: for me
missinglunchbox: of course i'm fucking confused.
antisocialguy156: i know
missinglunchbox: i've been confused for years

eve 6 - promise

i have a giant bruise on my ass.
every time i'm in the bleachers at work, i wonder "what would it be like if someone fell?" today, i found out! i slipped and slid down about five stairs before landing -hard- on the edge of the stair. i made lots of noise and scared the crap out of the people around me. it was funny, embarassing, and in some sick way, kind of fun.
so, the whole thing with jack fell through - he wasn't there when we got to his house. so instead we got some taco time and watched a movie at tuey's. it was still fun to drive around and stuff, but i'm sad. i wanted my gecko.
apparently the university of washington is doing a study where they offer birth control over the counter, instead of by prescription. i think it's a good idea - the person asking for birth control has to meet at least a few standards (health and such), but they don't have to pay the $$ for the whole doctor's examination and stuff. supposedly it'll help people who don't have enough money for the doctor's. and i support it. i'm also very proud of the university of washington hospital, which started the whole study. apparently they're also the guys responsible for the emergency contraceptive being available over-the-counter, too.
also. my dad pointed out to me that after living in california for a year, i wouldn't have to pay out of state tuition. so during the summer after freshman year i'd have to find a place to stay, find a job, all that. it sounds reasonable... if i find a college i'd want to go to.. i really need to do more research on this.

no use for a name - chasing rainbows

went to steph's for i think 3 hours today. her eye is all black, and i took a picture! she couldn't move around very fast because her sinuses were killing her, so she didn't get to join in when brenda and i had a pillow fight in the middle of the street. poor tuey! it was really funny though. it was a good day.
homework and blah all day since. i watched a movie on tv with scott - spy game. very good movie. and during the commercials we laughed at the imitation viagra commercials.