goo goo dolls - a boy called goo

okay so yesterday i went all around federal way with jeff, to the dollar stores and through neighborhoods and we found that "farm" that i've been trying to find forever with the weird birds. then i went shopping with anna (i'll write more about that later, since that really effected me). when i got home with my bags of clothes, my mom and i took off to seattle to pick brent up from the train station.

gonna go see a movie now, write more later.

still nothing

well! this morning was horrible. my eyes were puffy from crying all night, my brain wouldn't focus, and despite the good dreams i had, i didn't feel much different from last night. i can't exactly explain why i felt so horrible. mostly stress, lack of sleep. it's making all the little issues seem worse. ... you know, actually, i think i've figured it out. i'm lonely. brent's gone, so i don't have him around the house anymore. and all the people at school... they're nice, i like everyone, of course. but i look around and notice that i don't really know any of them. they would never come to me with their problems. i would never go to them with mine. the few people i really care about are spread all over, and it's hard to feel like i belong anymore.
but yeah, that was how i felt all morning, and all last night as well. but after weight training (i have to admit, it was the elvis music that cheered me up), i felt better. and when i saw liz again at lunch, we both laughed. we'd both felt like shit yesterday and this morning, and we both felt great at lunch. and i had fun with her. i didn't feel bitter for once. see, that's one thing that's always bothered me. i love liz to death, but sometimes when i'm around her, i just don't want to put up with her. but today was great! we joked and laughed like usual and i hope i can keep it up. because if i don't, i'm going to lose a really close friend, and i'll hate myself for it.
so other than that, it's thursday and work wasn't too strenuous. i finished my third book this week and i'm moving onto the fourth. tomorrow i'm going shopping with anna, after hopefully spending the day with jeff, who i haven't seen very much at all lately and i miss like crazy.
oh, one other thing. last night while i was taking an unbelievably relaxing bubble bath (i didn't cry the whole time i was in there. unfortunately, i started again when i got back out.) tysson called. and you know me, i overthink about everything. especially when it comes to my cousin and everyone else from long beach. so i'm worried. i mean, why would tysson be calling me from the air force? he has my address (i think) and he hasn't written me once this whole time. and he told my parents he'd call back this weekend. and elaina's current msn isn't too reassuring (we rarely ever talk online, so i just guess her moods by what her screen name is. lately it's been THE FUCK UP. i really hope nothing bad happened.) but... yeah. just something i'm concerned about. i'm sittin around waiting for tysson to call back, and i really really hope he just wants to chat. it's always bad when someone calls for a reason.
i've been talking too much. time to go read that book now.

nothing at all, for once

so i got grounded on monday. and it's actually pretty funny. because what do i care? it's not like i have much of a life anyway. oh, sure, it kinda sucks that i won't be able to see jeff. but really! i haven't really noticed. monday i just went to the library and stocked up on books. tuesday i went to school, work, and babysat, and didn't come home until 10:30, and then went straight to bed. today i hung around a little after school, then stopped by work to talk to irene, went shopping, bank... just random chore-ish stuff, and now i'm reading again. i haven't noticed these supposed restrictions at all, unless not being able to see anna monday night counts. and it doesn't, since my parents are already letting me go shopping with her on friday.
do you know how they've grounded me? (well, no, that was a dumb question.) but they've decided i'm grounded on a situational basis. if they feel like letting me go, i'm not grounded. if they don't, i am. so if they have a crappy day at work, i'm stuck. if it's a good day, i'm free. it's funny, and at the same time i'm a little cautious. i'm wondering how this might effect how much i see different people.
today was a good day, though. it really was. i just feel a little cut off from the world. it seems like the more this school year goes on, the more i feel left out. mostly, i suspect, because things aren't changing. i'm not seeing steph or brandon or liz anymore. i spend most of my time doing productive stuff, like work or babysitting or grocery shopping or running errands or cleaning or homework. i rarely seem to just.. hang out, anymore. what happened to the summer? what happened to me? i'm not happy anymore. there are moments, but most of the time, i feel dead inside. i hate it. i wish i could just wake up and be grinning and cheerful again, and have friends and enjoy myself. but it's not happening.

boondock saints

i'm reading that conversation from last night... golly gee, such a silly girl i am...
at church the past two weeks, the sermon's been going over the story of joseph. and it's really inspirational stuff, although, as usual, once i'm out i can't seem to remember exactly what was said. well, except for a few things, but nothing worth mentioning.
after church i went over to brenda's, and nick was there and the three of us watched lilo and stitch, raided brenda's kitchen 'til there was nothing left, and watched rocky horror. i borrowed both movies; i am happy. when's i got home, me 'n the parentals went and saw under the tuscan sun... and y'know what? it's a good movie. i want to move to italy now.
so now i'm watching the boondock saints, sort of, and i'll probably attempt to do homework sometime tonight.