not having too great a day today. it's hard to hide away in my room when people keep calling and i'm obligated to talk to them. i wish i could just tell everyone to f-off and let me read a book, but i can't. i just... can't.
i've been going through the posters at allwall.com and i've made a list of all the ones i want. it comes to a total of $209. =] my parents are right. i should never have a credit card.
i went through a site all about stuff to do in manzanillo. i know exactly what i want to do all week. shop, go to the waterfall, swim in the ocean, and lay on the beach.
it's gonna be a good week. if i can only make it through the days until then.

i'm never gonna be able to watch the two towers again without cracking up at every scene.

i know, i'm writing a lot tonight. but it's just one of those nights, you know?
i miss long beach so much it hurts. it feels like i want to cry every time i think about all the people i miss. i can't cry, of course, but it's like a lump in my chest that just won't go away.
it's strange how much these people mean to me. when i go to visit my cousin, i'm not really going to see her anymore. yes, i do love my cousin, she's one of my best friends... but she's my cousin, i've always known her, and i know i'll see her again. tysson.. he's joining the air force. he's leaving. july 1, 2003, he'll be gone. he'll be back in november for a couple weeks, but that's it. then he'll be out in iraq for a year. scott's moving back to california, so there goes whatever chance i ever had of getting to know him. matt's joining the air force, too. i don't even know what's happening with william and michael kimbrough. david's down in portland, it's only luck that he's been around when i go down there. i know everyone's growing up and moving on, but i just met these people! i'm not ready to let go yet.
they mean so much to me. i'd do anything for them, and they know it too. they can cheer me up no matter how bad i feel, and vice versa. i save almost every conversation i have with tysson or david, or at least parts of it. i don't even have to save the ones with matt; i don't need words to remind me that he loves me.
i miss them all so much. it's torture not being able to see them when i want to.

i love little kids.
they don't necessarily love me, of course, but i love them just the same.
i love the kids i babysit for. i'm not a good babysitter, let me make that very clear right now. don't ever ask me to watch your kids, i'll end up hurting them. but the kids down the street from me, they're a special case.
i've been babysitting jj since he was 3 months old (crazy!) he's 2 and a half now. his little brother, isaac, is 7 months old (born right around my birthday!). sure, they aren't very old, but i still feel like i've watched them grow up. jj is huge now, i actually had trouble picking him up and carrying him upstairs for the first time. ... these guys are a huge part of my life. yeah, they're too young to ever remember me, but i know i'll never forget them. they've taught me so many things... oh wow that sounded really cheesy. but they have.
tonight was one of the best nights i've spent with those two. we sat and watched monster's inc., jj chillin' up on the couch and me 'n isaac down on the floor. i spent a lot of time just goofing off w/ isaac, and it amazed me. when i first started babysitting jj, when he was really little, i'd get frustrated with him and just let him do his own thing. now i love just blowing in isaac's face and waving the nylon cord around with him. jj fell asleep up on the couch, and he was just so adorable, lying there, using those huge pillows as a blanket. and isaac, rolling around the room (he can't crawl yet) and kicking the drawers and shaking his rattle. he's just... he's so much fun! he'd party all night long if i let him.
once again, i've lost where i'm going with all of this. but hey, that's cool, i like just sitting here, basking in the glow of spending an evening with two tiny little kids. i'm so attached to them. i'm starting to feel like they're mine (not literally, of course, but i hope you get the idea).

Winkin' Blinkin' and Nod, one night sailed off in a wooden shoe;
Sailed on a river of crystal light into a sea of dew.
"Where are you going and what do you wish?" the old moon asked the three.
"We've come to fish for the herring fish that live in this beautiful sea;
Nets of silver and gold have we" said Winkin' Blinkin' and Nod.

The old moon laughed and he sang a song as they rocked in the wooden shoe.
And the wind that sped them all night long ruffled the waves of dew.
Now the little stars are the herring fish that live in that beautiful sea;
"Cast your nets wherever you wish never afeared are we!"
So cried the stars to the fishermen three - Winkin' Blinkin' and Nod.

So all night long their nets they threw to the stars in the twinkling foam.
Then downward came the wooden shoe bringing the fishermen home.
Twas all so pretty a sail it seemed as if it could not be.
And some folks say twas a dream they dreamed of sailing that misty sea.
But I shall name you the fishermen three - Winkin' Blinkin' and Nod.

Now Winkin' and Blinkin' are two little eyes and Nod is a little head.
And the wooden shoe that sailed the skies is a wee one's trundle bed.
So close your eyes while mother sings of the wonderful sights that be.
And you shall see those beautiful things as you sail on the misty sea
Where the old shoe rocked the fishermen three - Winkin' Blinkin' and Nod.

i found this a while ago. it's gorgeous. i love to just sit and sing, or just read it like poetry. it's just... so calming. relaxing.
well.. that's the point of it being a lullaby, right? but still. i love it.

i need a vacation. i need these next 2 days to just fly by without me even noticing them. i need a membership to bally total fitness, too. lol. totally random, i know. whatever.
when i was really little, i took ballet lessons. i had the pink leotard, the itchy pink tutu, the whole works. i think i quit after about 6 months.
i wish i could find that one passion in life that some people find. that thing that they know they were born to do. if not that, than at least something i'm good at. like, people who are in the cirque de soles (i think that's how you spell it). it's amazing. these people are so unbelievably talented. and broadway dancers. i love them. when my dad took me to see chicago, i almost died. i want to do that so bad. i can't, of course. but i want to.

this is so sad. i finally feel like i'm getting past that whole "ugh, my parents suck" teenager attitude. and then i'm the perfect posterchild.
but hey, i can't help it! i try dealing with it (the whole family psych class in work guys!) but they just get worse. i get a "good job" for my straight A's, then they yell at me all night for talking on the phone for, what, 45 minutes? it's not my fault brent was sleeping and my mom had to bum a ride home from a coworker. that was not my fault in any way. but they act like it. i was gone! i wasn't using the phone!
i swear. no one ever calls unless it's for me. why should it matter so much?
oh well. that's not the problem. the problem is figuring out how to break it to them that i'm dating someone who's far from what they want for me. the first thing she asks me about him (and all she knows is that i talk to him on the phone a lot): "is michael a christian?" then while watching gilmore girls, she has to give me a lecture about sex. ... not the best topic to discuss with me. really. maybe she has everything figured out. but i don't. she knows what she thinks is right for everyone, but i'm not so convinced. her beliefs aren't necessarily mine, and i don't want them shoved on me. i want to be able to figure this out on my own, thanks. maybe parents are good for advice sometimes, but usually, mine aren't. they have their faults, and one of them is their absolute non-acceptance of different lifestyles.
... the worst part of all of this is that in about 6 months, it's just going to be me. they're going to be realizing even more how much their kids are growing up and they're going to go ballistic on me. ... i'm excited. look, i'm so happy i'm dancing. ...

good day today. i still feel like doing something though. i think i'm gonna try to get to the library tonight and work on my report or something.
wow. i was over at evan's today and that guy is loaded with cd's! stuff i'd pick if i had the money - presidents of the united states, smashing pumpkins, dave matthews band, etc... it's beautiful. i just wanted to sit there and stare at them. oh well.
i feel like doing something productive. i'm seriously having problems just sitting here. i think i'm gonna go clean the kitchen.

today was just weird. it was so weird being back at school. i couldn't get my locker open - i remembered the combination and everything - i had to get stephanie to open it for me. jamie burned another cool cd. i want to steal it from her and listen to it. it was cool, people missed me... sam gave me a big ol' hug, it was great. i'm trying to remember what i did but i can't. um. lesse. oh they played that stupid rod 'n ball movie in science again. if you've ever seen it than you know what i'm talking about.
okay so i'm listening to butthole surfers. and i've totally lost all concentration that i maybe might've had today.

i want my pictures back from elaina! it's driving me nuts. i also want tysson to get online so i can yell at him. pump him for information about what bryce's telling him. find out how the pictures turned out. that kinda stuff.man if someone could just scan them i'd be happy. but nooo. it pisses me off i tell ya. anyway i get to go back to school tomorrow... rah.. i'm excited. no, not really. i'll just be going back to a pile of homework that'll take me all week to do. and hey, then it's mid winter break! i so can't wait for mexico! i am so psyched. i'll be tan and blonde and i'll be bodysurfing in the waves and building sandcastles and eating real mexican food in a little over a week from now. pumped. that's what i am.
anyway. highly entertained by cutting my own split ends. i think i'm going to go crosseyed soon.
good day. had andrew pick me up and take me to michael's, he 'n kate left after a while. got michael's dad to drive me home. good waste of a day.

i don't have much to say about yesterday. except, well... tython, i never knew you. i wish i had.