i had a busy day. a good day. i could write all about it, but i don't want to.
why?
because travis died last night.

hello children.
i had a very good day, thank you for asking. school went well. "next time bite harder". mcdonald's. caffeine pills. 50% lesbian. it was all good, all fun, very relaxing (even the chem test was easy). walking home, it rained, and i got soaked. it felt so wonderful.
at home i talked to michael for a little while on the phone, before his mom picked me up and i went over to his house. a little bit later we took off to kate's, whose mom ordered pizza (yum!). we watched tv, started lord of the rings, got in a fight with her dad, and all around had a good time. tonight was what i've been waiting for, for so long. it was comfortable, it felt good. just laying on michael with his arm around me, watching tv half asleep, talking to michael and kate and andrew... i need to do it again. soon. and take pictures.

i went to youth group tonight.
don't act so surprised. i do this a lot. skip for a month or two, come back, leave again... some days it's just not interesting enough, other days, i crave it like a heroin addict. i'm really glad i went tonight. unsurprisingly, we talked about the war. but... it was neat how we did it. bob had us all just pull the chairs into a "globulous circle", gave us the topic, and had us discuss. i didn't say much, although there were a lot of interesting things people pointed out. right now, though, i can't seem to think of any specifics. i'm too distracted.
it's funny how easily that happens. but, well, that's just how it is i guess. but i'll tell you this, i feel good. i feel better than i have in a long while. i know i've been saying my life's great. i'm not lying. this past year has been incredible, and it's amazing even now how well everything seems to be falling into place.
that topic's gone now, though. brent just came into my room, complaining he was bored, and as always, wouldn't go away. he's nearsighted. funny story how he found it out, but it's one of those thing's that's not funny unless you hear it from him. he was also going on about my "you suck and that's sad" poster, and how he wants one for his image on forums. so i showed him the "you smell like butt" icon sarah sent me, and he left, happy 'n excited like a little kid to try it out.
it's cute, how he almost feels like my little brother. but it also makes me sad. he's going to college next year, to western, which i think is all the way up in bellingham. 3 hours from here! i'm scared that he won't want to talk to me any more. no more chats. he won't be there anymore to bug me until i pay attention to him. i won't have anyone to talk to when i get home from school. no one to watch cartoons with. no one to just be a normal teenager with.
it's really scary. sure, when he's gone, i could just rely on my friends to take his place. but that's the problem. i've never had a choice with brent - he's just there. with my friends, if they bother me or i'm feeling like a loner, i can just shut them out. it's impossible to do that with brent, and that's what i'm going to miss the most. i won't have anyone there forcing a conversation on me anymore.

i don't feel like being an intellectual today (like i ever do), so i'll just give you a random play-by-play for today.
saw liz first thing in the morning, didn't stick around much to talk to her. i'm afraid to ask if she hates me - i really don't want to know if she does. kate told me michael got expelled yesterday, which freaked me out. he hasn't been going to school at all this week, and i guess he got picked up by the truancy officer or something. i called him later and found out he's only been suspended for three days, but still... i wish he'd told me. he said he didn't because he wasn't sure how i'd react. it makes me mad, makes me wonder what else he hasn't told me...
anyway. german was fun, as always. "you smell nice." simple compliments like that can make a girl's day, y'know? had a short conversation with sam about a clockwork orange. he says i'm too young to have seen it... poor guy, he has no idea, does he? 15 may be young, but i'm not completely naive. history wasn't too bad either, poor tobias, sharon attacked him with her lotion. i tried helping her a little bit, but the poor guy, it was almost cruel to do it to him. so i played around with steph mo's wallet instead.
after school was definitely the coolest part of my day. walking home, i saw brenda's brian, and walked 'n talked with him the whole 2 or 3 miles home. the guy's pretty cool, although i think i came off as pretty stupid and self-absorbed. he walked me all the way home, though, which was really cool. i haven't had anyone do that for me since, what was his name, chris? one of the older guys i knew around the neighborhood this summer.
and get this - dan lives in my neighborhood! i couldn't talk to him, i would've had to abandon brian, but you can bet i'm going to track dan down soon. i mean really! i thought i knew almost everyone in the neighborhood, and i find out the guy i've been trying to know lives right by me! that's so cool.
anyway, after those eventful 45 minutes, not much happened, then my dad took me driving this evening and we went all over this half of federal way, up by fred meyer, down past winco and bally's, then all the way down to redondo and back. i love driving! i need lots more practice though. lots.

ah... i am such a consumer whore...
not that i'm complaining, of course. i love to buy things! especially when it's not my money.
i swear, i could live and die happily in zumiez. as long as they'd let me wear their clothes. i have to go in there every time i go to the mall, just to look at their clothes and stickers and hats and bracelets and necklaces... and everything else... i adore the place. i would die to work there. i mean, come on, be able to spend a whole day in there without people looking at me strange? it's ideal.
i've been trying to fill out applications for a while now. but i'm pretty lazy, and it's going to take me a while to find *three!* adults, outside family, i've known for over a year. so far i've got john and michelle, one of my youth leaders, and... i forgot who the third one was going to be. oh well. no biggie. i can't work until the end of may anyways.
so guess who i saw today? you'll never believe it.
liz! i was just walking down the hall after driver's ed, happy as can be and ready for a therapeutic and invigorating walk home, when i realized... wait a second... i know those people! it was so cool to see her again! she's going to be going to decatur now, which is really cool, except i forgot to ask her when she starts. i was in a little bit of a hurry to get home, see, and i looked pretty bad after sleeping for 2 hours so i didn't want to stick around too long. besides, her parents were watching me. they don't seem very accepting these days.
anyway. we'll see in the next few weeks how this is going to change things. i just... hope nothing bad happens. i pray that nothing bad happens. i have some really fond memories of liz, i still love her, and i don't want any bad feelings between us.
on a better note, though, i think i helped evan a little bit in his car-quest. i don't know if he'll buy the camaro, but at least he's got some more options, right?

argh, today was both good and bad.
mostly good, school was great, lots of little things to keep me satisfied. invigorating walk home. dad took me driving for an hour, and i didn't do too bad - better than scott and brent's first times, at least. even made it to the main roads! (granted, it was at night, but i dunno if that makes it easier or harder)
a little bad, though. i won't go into it, just that, well, i have some issues i need to deal with. whatever choices i make, it's going to affect my life a lot in the future. not a happy choice for me to make.
but hey - i can't be too grim! tobias is making me a card 'cause i can drive! (me: "i can drive!" tobias: "congratulations, i'll make you a card.") how cool is that, huh?? he might even add glitter... oooh....
math test tomorrow, i'm feeling confidant. just need to do my homework, and maybe i can keep my A's.

man... almost went to sleep without putting something up here. oops.
so many different things i want to write about, but i don't think i have the concentration skills to write them all out.
i went shopping today! got lots of fun clothes, and just neat stuff to dink around with when i'm bored.
i'm looking forward to tomorrow. tobias is bringing this book, comic book i think? about the tick. remember that show? yeah, it was cool.
i.. feel sorry for scott. i talked to my mom about him a little bit today, on the ride home. he's had a rough life. it's hard to imagine what he went through growing up. i love scott, i adore him for every one of his strange quirks. he's not normal, not at all. but that's why i love him! he's fun and original and he doesn't follow the usual rules. but, well, i guess sometimes that's not so good, because he wasn't very happy growing up. he feels like people have let him down, and he's lashing out in one of the only ways he knows how. i only hope i can let him know how much i love him, before i lose contact with him and our relationship revolves around holidays with the family.
anyway. i'm in this kind of happy daze right now. it's really funny, seriously. michael's acting so weird, he keeps asking me all these funny questions. i intimidate him with my 4.0 gpa - he's never dated a smart girl before, i guess. it's cute, it's funny, and i can't wait to see him again.
i've been thinking a lot about people. how you're raised can determine so much about who you are, but sometimes it has nothing at all to do with your personality. it's just... so random, so completely unpredictable, how people will act and react and end up affecting the other people in their lives. do we really know how much our side comments can change someone's day? how our actions can determine someone else's morals? it's so intimidating, to think that i might be responsible for ruining someone's day. but it also feels good, knowing that at the same time, i can be the person who makes everything better. and either way... i never know it's happening. scary, isn't it?