i'm listening to my warped tour 2002 cd again. this is how it works, and i'm comfortable with it. i listen to a cd, love it, keep listening to it, get bored of it, and pull out an old one i haven't heard in a while. and the cycle continues. it's nice.
nothing to really talk about today... unless you want to hear about work... which i really don't feel like writing about. i actually don't feel much like writing at all, i just feel it's my duty to put something in here daily. just so tuey can have new stuff to read every day.
oh, and other than that, brent met the weird kid that asked me out yesterday. and now he knows how funny it is.

ugh. once again, i lost what i was writing. something about needing sleep, and something else.
but also, i had a moment today. first of all, everything leading up to this moment had been great. i'd met up with them (tuey, brandon, doug, liz) at the mall, yelled with the guy working at zumiez, got a dollar from some random guy, ate at mcdonalds, talked to rainier, drove around, ate tuey's food, drank soda, passed out on the couch... all sorts of just random things. so i was standing in her kitchen, talking to tuey, and chewing on ice (doug says people who eat ice are usually subconsciously expressing sexual frustration... i eat ice all the time..) we'd been hashing out my life as of recently, when we looked out the window and saw brandon jumping around on her trampoline. he almost fell, then started talking to his self, and started picking at things on the trampoline... i don't know, it was just unbelievably funny for us, and we started cracking up and falling all over the place. and i paused for a second. it was just... this moment, when i realized, this is what i've wanted. all these years, ever since i was a little kid and looked up to older people as having the cool life. this is what i've been imagining. i don't need tons of new people in my life. i just need people i like. today was all about good friends and good fun and messing around and enjoying ourselves and not putting any kind of strain on ourselves to be something else. we just did our own thing. tuey and i, talking about my life in the kitchen. liz off doing god knows what in the family room. brandon out on the trampoline by himself. doug... i don't know, i don't think he really fit into it all, but still. it worked. so, i'm just in this wonderfully great mood lately. even when it all sucks, life is still good. i've got friends when i need them. i've got a life. i've got money. i've got guys interested in me (haha... yeah, you knew that was coming didn't you?). i don't feel like the whole world's playing a joke on me anymore. i feel... normal. and it's nice.

i saw nathanael! amazing. i haven't seen him since i went to youth group with kate in... december? his hair was all shaggy. it looked like how derek's used to be. i almost died! but it's hard to express complete and utter joy when there are a bunch of little kids running around asking how much things cost. i think his little cousin was hitting on me, too.
also, i met lisa, tuey's weight lifting buddy! i was walking past the dippin' dots booth to go check out, and i thought what the hell, it never hurts to ask. so i asked for free ice cream. and i got it! and she said she knew of me, asked how tuey was doing, said brent's given her a ride home a couple times... it was pretty cool.
shuttle ride home was horrible. some dumb bleached guy tried picking a fight with the old dirty guy, and both were too stupid to shut up. but, something good did happen after that. this guy, jeff, gave me a ride home (brent forgot about me). like i was telling cole, he's nothing special. nothing stands out about him that would make me want to know him, like it did with cole and jon and tobias and brandon and ryan... all those guys who i love so much. jeff's not like that. he's just... normal. and he's not some dumb egotistical guy, either. he listens to matchbox twenty! smart, plays sports, just a really nice guy. the only down side? he goes to fed. ha!
you know, i used to be good at telling stories. i swear. but now.. i don't know what's happened. i'm just not interesting anymore.

i saw michael today...
now, don't get any ideas here. i've been talking to kate a little bit lately, michael too, and she's been talking about them coming to see me at work soon. today wasn't supposed to be it. first of all, i've been living in the same clothes since about 5 months ago. so, for something new, i decided to wear my goodwill sweatshirt out in public for the first time, ever, since i bought it. i looked like shit, okay? the only good part was my lifeguard hat. anyway josh and i went to go visit evan at qfc. bought jones soda and all. went to go get gas, and guess who was at the pump next to us? kim, kate, michael, and andrew. so yeah it was great to see kate again! hah... and awkward to see michael because, you know me, i don't do that whole... after, thing, very well. give me a couple more meetings and i'll be fine, but that was the first time since i broke up with him. it shouldn't be weird, you know? but i'm finally feeling like i'm missing out on something, and then... this. no second thoughts, no worries about that. i just wish i had something.

i went to tom's birthday party bbq thing. it wasn't bad. but it wasn't good, either.
i think i just don't do well at parties, no matter how much i happen to love them. i'm fine most of the time, but then... i don't know. i get tired of the bullshit, i guess.
it was worse when i was out in his backyard. everyone was inside except for brandon, tuey, liz, and me. we were all standing out by his ping pong table under the christmas lights. and it just hit me... it's impossible for me. i actually wrote about this earlier. some people can just... connect, so easily, and sit and have loads of things to talk about with a completely new person. and i just can't do it! i wish i could, i really do, but i can't! i don't trust myself to say what's on my mind.
and another thing. first of all, don't get me wrong, i am not complaining that i want a boyfriend. i've noticed i'm happier on my own. what i do want, though, is a guy. a guy that i can just sit and talk to and wonder and fantasize about, but without the pressure for anything to happen. i almost had that with sam, but, well, that didn't work out. i need someone, a friend that i trust and get along with and can just have a great time with once everyone's divided into their little groups. because you know that happens. the night wears on, and people are either with their old friends, or the one new person they connected with that night. my old friends aren't at the parties i've been to. and i can't connect. so what? i sit around and really have nothing to complain about... i just don't feel right. i don't want to complain. i get mad at the people who do. i just have a hard time making myself smile. ... oh, nevermind, it's hard to explain.
i'm tempted to go into the whole situation with relationships... but i don't know. tuey used to be in the same situation as me. only not really. but, obviously, not anymore. i don't know... i just, really, don't know how to explain what's going through my head right now.

ummm... hi? the dog's gotten used to his cone now. it's cute, despite how pathetic it is.
i enjoy loud music with a heavy beat and vocals i can sing along with. right now i'm blasting the 2003 warped tour compilation. which reminds me, i talked to that guy in zumiez again today. i think... no, i know, i can connect better with people who i don't care about. that sounds horrible, i didn't mean it like that. here's an example. a random person i meet on the bus, someone who i probably never would have looked twice at, but the circumstances called for someone to talk to. or, the people i'm working with. i can talk to them just fine, because there's no kind of emotional undertone. there's no... commitment? no promise of friendship. just, useless conversation. but when the results of the conversation could determine if i ever see that person again... that's stressful. and i can't handle that. i'm no good at those types of things.
anyway, i was just thinking about that today.

1. Name: chelsea katrina
2. Were you named after somebody? my middle name's a mix of both my grandmas' middle names
3. Do you wish on stars? every night.
4. Which finger is your favorite? right hand middle finger... don't know why tho. or my thumbs, but they aren't fingers.
5. When did you last cry? hm. don't remember. i know i've cried lately, but the best i can remember is in may.
6. Do you like your handwriting? yes! i love it! i even wrote that i love it on the bottom of my shoe.
7. Who do you admire? let's see... real people? ... liz, tuey, kolbi, karli, krystal, elaina, jessika, in no particular order.
8. What is the #1 priority in your life? get what i want and be happy. selfish, i know, but it works.
9. What is your favorite lunch meat? smoked turkey breast that comes in that.. package... i don't know what kind it is but i love it!
10.Any bad habits? i'm very self-centered
11. What business/store would you never be caught dead in? huh. i don't think there is one. anything i don't like, i'd find amusing.
12. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? on a good day, sure.
14.Have you ever told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell? yeah, more than once, i just don't remember specifically. usually 'cause by the time i tell it, no one cares anymore and i forgot it was so serious.
15. Have you ever stolen anything? hahahaha!.... yes
16.Do looks matter? honestly... yes
17.Are you trendy? nope!
18.What do you do to prevent anger? i don't. but i vent by bitching to people when i am angry.
19.Are you passive or aggressive? passive
20.Who is your idol? that one dude that i "stalk"... yeah him
22.Who is your second family? used to be the tueys... used to be my cousin's... now i'm not sure.
23.Do you trust others easily? too easily
24.What did you play with as a child? dinosaurs
26.Do you like sappy love songs? i'm a girl, come on...
27.Have you ever been on radio or television? no, but i had a dream i was on tv last night. i remember being excited about it 'cause, y'know, i've never been on tv. and then i woke up and i was angry!
28.Have you ever intentionally hurt someone? not that i can think of. unless, does trying to hurt my brother count? i've never actually done it.
29.Have you ever been in a mosh pit? yes! but not for long enough.
30.Do you feel understood most of the time? not really. for some reason, people think i'm a good person who's got it figured out... what a bunch of bull.
31.Would you rather have a sore throat or an upset stomach? sore throat
32. Do you know what `scteif' is? not a clue!
34. Could you be a vegetarian? never. i love meat too much.
35. Would you ever bungee jump? YES
36.Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off? never!
37. What are you worried about right now? what i'm going to do today... and on a larger scale, if i ruined my chance.
38. Do you ever wear overalls? used to, but not anymore
39. Do you think you are strong? not at all!
41. Who is most likely to respond? don't know
42. Who do you think won't respond at all? don't know
43. Birthday: may 23, 1987
44. Age: 16.. whoa... i'm 16! ha, forgot.
45. Favorite Color(s): neon green, hot pink, any shades of blue/purple
46. Eye Color: brown.
47. Do you have a driver's license: nope
48. Who was the last person you called: my mom
49. Saw you cry: my mom..?
51. You had a fight with? my mom!
52. You had a drink with: not my mom! umm... pretty sure it was brandon and tuey
53. Who sent this e-mail to you? the amazing brendi!
54. Any last words? "to you i bid a fond farewall, strength to walk alone." pulley - the ocean song (listenin' to it now, no other reason)


other than that, my dog's been miserable lately. something has been making him itch. so he's been licking and scratching and... so every day i have to feed him pills in tuna. and this morning... his legs and stomach, he's messed with them so much, there's no hair on them and they're all bloody... i almost cried just looking at it. so today my mom 'n i are going to get him a cone... a cone! my dog! in a cone! it's horrible.

the 2-8 shift is horrible. it's still six hours, but it feels so much longer! the only really good part of the day was when kolbi and i ran around for an hour in the rain, jumping in puddles, playing games, eating free food, and riding the carousel. but that was just an hour... everything else was ungodly boring. and my feet were wet the whole time, too.
the dog takes his pills with tuna. only i can do it - he doesn't trust anyone else. he swallows the stuff whole.
i feel like sleeping, but i already tried. it doesn't work. it's not late enough yet. i should probably eat but i don't feel like it.
i've noticed something. i'm a great friend to some people over the internet. (no, don't laugh, seriously!) i talk to people consistently, i always have something to say, i go out of my way to talk. the only problem is, the friendship only works over the 'net. brenda and ryan, for example. she's in cali right now. so i've been talking to her every single day, multiple times. ryan, before he moved back, i would spend hours talking to. now... i haven't heard from other than one phone call since graduation. ... whatever. i'm hungry.