i feel 110% better.
i had such a good day. you have no idea. elaina, long beach... it's like, a cure for anything. no matter how horrible i feel, going to long beach will always make it better.
i woke up at the butt crack of dawn today, again. 6 am this time. i (that's right, me!) drove all the way from here to long beach! yeah! that was really fun. once we got to the long stretches of country road, i couldn't help but start humming eve 6. my dad stopped me before i hit eighty, tho. so.. it was more like, my pile shakes as i hit seventy-five on the open road. whatever, it was all good.
tysson was there! i thought i wasn't going to see anyone, so that was cool. i talked to him and elaina for a while, and then david showed up! yeah, david! i didn't know he was in town, so that was great. the four of us watched tv and ate quesadillas and chips 'n dip, wrestled and just had fun. elaina cut my hair, really just trimmed it in like 4 seconds, but that was still cool. we went into town and i got to be a puker! of course. no matter how many times i visit, i'll always be a tourist. it's okay, though, i get to do tourist-y things and still know all the locals and use the "i'm a local so i don't have to if i don't want to" excuse. anyway, elaina and i took our picture at funland, wandered around ter har's and took some sexy pictures of david, then david bought us ice cream at the, well, it used to be a gas station. then the three of us, me david and elaina went down to the beach and walked around. came back and did a few rides, then wandered around marsh's for a while. then went back to elaina's. okay, sure, i was only there for like five hours. but, as always, those five hours worked miracles, and i feel completely satisfied with life again.
so! i'm a wild care-free spirit again. anyone want to go to 7-11?

i just don't know...

i ruined it!
i read the last paragraph of the book, and now i know how it ends. i wish i could go back in time and smack myself and not do it. i know i'll finish it, of course, but i just don't care as much as i did, knowing that it won't end happily.
anyway, i had a... busy day. got bored to tears early in the morning, and eventually just went out, sat in the driveway, and blew bubbles.
went to jamie's and "worked" on our project. didn't do jack, actually, but who's counting?
when i got home i went off w/ liz, over to brandon's house. now that was fun. his little brothers are hilarious, but probably only because i'm just easily entertained. i swear, it's so comfortable, to just sit in the kitchen and watch the tiny tv. his older brother, pat, is pretty funny too. a drug addict, smoker, addicted to pepsi... it's so funny! he's a little punker, which makes him cool by my standards. logan, his littlest brother, is the funniest kid in the world, just because he said "hella" and kept killing me when i tried to play video games with him. chris is fun too, just 'cause he's geeky and he let me raid their kitchen. he even helped me find the cups for my chocolate milk.
anyway, that was all great, i had a blast, just letting brandon and liz go off and do their own thing. let them bond. i love brandon and i hope something happens with those two, but if something does, they sure as hell better invite me along just so i can chill on his couch.
but yeah... after all that, i went through hell. i've driven for a total of three hours, and my dad decided i was ready for the freeway. i swear, i was so tense and nervous i almost puked, and him yelling at me didn't help at all. it's hard to describe exactly how it went. i know i did pretty well, i didn't screw up too badly, but i was so shaken up all i wanted to do was get home. and when i did, the first thing my mom noticed was that i looked sick. no shit! anyway, being the sick little masochist that i am, i kind of enjoyed it. don't tell me dad that, though, i'm going to hold this over his head forever!

i'm pathetic.
what, do i expect that just because i miss scott, he's going to come home happy and friendly and acting like the nice older brother he never was? ... apparantly, i do.
and i'm always disappointed when he's not. so here i am, "drowning my sorrows in chocolate sauce", feeling sorry for myself and feeling completely rejected.
and you know what i've realized out of all this?
i need sleep. desperately. i'm tired and worn out and sleep is the only thing i can get that will make me feel better.

school was long, driver's ed was boring, and the only part of the day that was any fun was, as usual, talking to sam. he reminds me of my friends in long beach, and i love him for it.
that reminds me. i think i talked my dad into taking me down there on saturday - and to let me drive! i can't wait, i miss them all so much!

sam hit on a 14-year-old this weekend. poor guy, i'll bet he's embarassed about that one.
i had fun walking home with brian again today. he's cool. confidant and funny and just... really easy to get along with. and i have his house key!
other than that, i finally picked up gone with the wind. page 90 right now. it's a long book, but i'm enjoying it so far.

wow. what a long, painful day.
it started out okay. went to church, felt excited to see liz later. then it got worse. i was bored and tired during the whole service. i started thinking about travis. it really started to hit me when i was waiting for my parents to get to the car, and i ended up breaking down in the middle of lunch. not in front of them, of course, i just begged for the keys to the car and started sobbing the second i walked out of the restruant.
it's horrible. that's the only way to describe it. there's nothing worse than losing someone you know, someone you love. maybe travis and i weren't the best of friends, maybe i did lose touch with him over the past couple months, but i still cared. he was still my friend from camp, the boy i went to the banquet with. the boy i wrote letters to constantly the first summer we met. he was so nice, so sweet and innocent. he was always someone i could be honest with, someone who i could trust. and now he's gone. i'll never hug him again. i'll never get in another water fight with him.
travis was ready to leave, though. at least that's what julie told me. i know he's in a better place, so much better than if he were still here and sick. but that doesn't change that he's gone. i kept finding photos of him while i was with liz, and it hurt to look at them. you'd never guess he had a brain tumor.
anyway, other than that i can't quite get over losing travis, i had another talk with brent today. about michael. it hurts so much to listen to someone who's opinion matters more than almost anything else, make me feel like complete crap. i won't go into details about it, but it hurt. i'm okay though. it was also nice, too, to know that he cares enough to talk to me. and he said something that will make me feel better no matter how horrible it ever gets. that when he goes to college, if i ever need to talk, to feel free to call him.
now, see, that's been my biggest worry this whole time. that when he's gone, it'll be two years of me, all alone, wandering around the house with no one to talk to and nothing to do. knowing that i'll still be able to talk to him - that he'll want to talk to me - makes me feel so unbelievably relieved. i know you're thinking i should've known that i'd be able to call him already, but i didn't. unless he said so, i didn't know. for me, i know i'll hate it if my parents call me when i'm at college. how should i know if brent feels the same way about me, huh?
so that made me cry too. guess i'm just having a crappy day, huh? no, it gets better. i saw liz, and it was great! i missed her so much. we walked to 7-11, got slurpees like in the old days. walked around and goofed around and just had a good time. we got some mud facial mask stuff from her house, then put it on over at my house and took turns blow-drying each other's faces. it was hilarious! i've missed her so much, you have no idea. we probably won't be as good of friends as we used to - we've both changed too much, and i don't want to be a bad influence - but it'll still be nice to have someone to call up when i need to get out.