desaparecidos - survival of the fittest

well tomorrow's going to be a good day. hopefully everything works out smoothly and no one dies.

swingin' utters - twenty three

this morning started out kinda bad. i was in a good mood, of course! but then after i swept and mopped the floors, and vacuumed, my dad said it wasn't done well enough and made me do it again.
spent most of the early morning reading and doing random things. i put my prom dress and my tux shirt on and turned the music up and danced on the newly-shiny hardwood floors. went outside too, and blew bubbles and listened to music. just an all around lazy morning. called up tuey and talked to her on the phone for like... an hour. so yeah. eventually jeff called 'n we walked to 7-11, went all around my neighborhood, just walking 'n talking. came back to my house and fooled around (you have a dirty mind!) with my squirt gun, white out, baseball bat... pretty much everything. drew stuff on our tongues with sharpies. he's gone now and i'm headed off to tommy's for the last party of the summer (that i know of).

ok go - get over it

there are some many different ways that could have gone. ways i would've wanted it to go, ways i wouldn't. as it is, i can't change it and now i'm stuck wondering.
yeah, you're probably wondering too now, huh?
well, work was alright. actually it wasn't bad at all. i scraped shit off bleachers for 4 hours, then walked home. brent and i went to the bank - i've got $200 cash on me right now, and $500 in the bank. not bad... but not good either. liz, jeff, and dan all showed up at my house at 3:20, dan just a couple seconds before liz and jeff. dyed dan's hair, it doesn't look bad, but truthfully i can't tell much of a difference. liz dyed her tips.
can you believe it! she got a vibrator! okay, so donovan bought it for her, but still. she brought it over and we were playing with it, freaked the hell out of jeff. i have a feeling he might be homophobic. remind me to bring that up with him.
okay, i'll tell you what happened now. you know how jeff likes me? well the feeling's mutual. and of course once people found out they started rubbing their faces in it and messing around and telling us what to do. it was so awkward, when he finally asked me out. it was literally right before he left, and well... okay, it reminded me of junior high. you know, when you're both just completely unsure about what to do? do you kiss, hug, shake hands? haha, okay maybe not that bad, but i think you get the point. it just felt weird, because of course i knew exactly how it was all going to happen, everyone else had already told me. ruined the surprise and any kind of chance for something original to happen.
ah well, c'est la vie. we'll see how it goes, y'know? and at least i know where i stand this time. i'm worth it, thank god. i'm not going to be led along and dropped off without a clue.
so now i have to just remember brent's advice. "take it easy, don't rush things and don't think about it too much."
i need a barq's.

lawrence arms - a boring story

let's see here... got sent home from work an hour and a half after i got there. i love it when we run out of stock! walked home as usual, and ended up spending the day in my room with liz and jon. we didn't really do much of anything, now that i think of it. i wrote a letter to matt. liz painted her toes. jon slept in my bed. but it was fun, in the we-really-need-to-find-a-hobby kind of way.
ordered pizza, kids left, i read my ap book. very last minute, jamie and i decided to go see swat. i ended up having to kick liz out 5 minutes after she came back. so yeah, it was an alright movie, the highlights just being able to watch the actors. this guy, jeremy renner. he's cute in the dumb kind of way, but the earrings really did me in. i did a quick search on the internet and next time i go rent movies i've got to pick up monkey love, some romantic comedy about three friends in college. but yeah, we also got cold stone, which is good but way too sweet and the ice cream reminds me of mushed-up marshmallows. i don't think i'll ever be going back. b&r is much better.
tomorrow i get to wake up before the buttcrack of dawn, to go into work at 7:30 at the aquatic center. i'm not too happy but since i'll be dyeing dan and liz's hair in the afternoon, i should be able to handle it.

hot water music - wayfarer

i was just thinking and reminiscing. (i really don't want to sleep, that'd mean i'll be going to work when i wake up.) and i was looking up at my pictures on the wall. i spotted one of me and steph mo. the background's completely black, it's night out. we're hanging onto each other, she's sticking her tongue out at the camera and i'm about to lick her chin. and we both look really happy. i remember that night. it was while the exchange kids were here, and we were going to hooters. we were standing outside kristin's house, out by sam's car. not the teal one, he'd borrowed some funky cool red one from his parents or something. but yeah, we'd turned up blink 182 and were just standing out by the car, singing along and dancing around and just being crazy. we were enjoying ourselves immensely. it was just fun and carefree and i wish all the memories from then could be like that.

less than jake - all my best friends are metal heads

it's amazing how fast i can go from being absolutely miserable to deliriously happy. this morning didn't start out well. i was in a slightly better mood than last night, and trying to feel better by talking about things that make me happy. mostly, what i hope to do with life. and brent shot down my mood by going off on how i put way too much importance on friends and other people. how i'm a complete ditz and i need to wake up and realize what matters in life (namely, doing things for him and my parents). it got to the point where i knew brent would resort to not giving me a ride to work to get his point across, so i left the room. and stupidly, i called him an asshole as i left. so he still gave me a ride, but was yelling at me the whole time. you know, now that i think about it, there have been a lot of days when i've showed up at the shuttle on the verge of tears because of the things brent was saying about me on the ride to work. and to think i love this guy.
but yeah, work wasn't too much better. once again, i got stuck at the dumb balloon darts. it started looking up, though, the last hour and a half when jillian put me at the pool hall. that always cheers me up. and a couple minutes before i left josh davis came up and told me that two guys were trying to find me right after i left on sunday. wearing hats, looked like rocker dudes. i'm guessing jeff 'n sean, which got me smiling.
i walked home, which wasn't bad at all, the wind was blowing right in my face and it felt wonderful. i got another blister on my foot though.
i cleaned the kitchen first thing, and called liz and talked to her. i tried calling tuey since i haven't heard from her in a few days, but i couldn't track her down. probably with brandon, and i decided to be nice and leave them alone. but yeah, i thought a lot all day about what my family's been telling me. and i've decided that i'm going to make it up to them. i'm going to stop slacking off and start "keeping up my part of the bargain." you know, actually doing things at home other than eating food and hiding in my room. so, like i said, i cleaned the kitchen. and once i did that i sat on the tub again and popped the blisters my shoes are giving me. it's cool but creepy at the same time.
when my mom got home, the first thing she did was apologize for being too hard on me last night. and that, after every insult i've taken from them, was what put me over the edge and made me cry. but in a good way. it means i'm not as bad of a person as they almost convinced me i am. so we talked, for a long time. a very long time actually. and a lot of serious things were said, as well as a lot of dumb things. we made an apple pie, despite my protests that it's not healthy in any way. her argument? "if you want to lose weight, just remember what dad says. no thirds." i shrugged it off then thought about it for a second and started cracking up, and she laughed too and, well, it was just fun. so we're on good terms again and i've updated her on what's been going on in my life. and it feels good.
so i wrote matt a letter today. it's not as detailed as i wanted it to be, but my hand started cramping up. but i'll be writing them every day now, so it'll be easier when i'm not trying to cram the whole summer onto two pages. so far he thinks the tests are going well, but he still has more to go. it's still not definite if he's staying. so i'm still praying.
and other than all that, i can't think of much else to put in here. through all the up's and down's, life is still good and i'm still enjoying myself. i think i'm going to survive, even if it's going to be rough.

beck - loser

argh! dumb parents! the second i get home from dropping off some movies with brent, my mom starts bitching at me about not telling her where i'm going and such shit. i thought brent had told her. but whatever. then she goes off about my friends and how they eat our food and call all the time and don't start conversations with my parents. .... they can be really dumb sometimes. if my parents are going to be assholes toward all my friends and uninterested in whatever they have to say, of course people aren't going to talk to them. and hello, teenagers eat! the unspoken agreement between all parents is, if teenagers are over and they're hungry, feed them. everyone feeds each other and just because my parents are uptight freaks doesn't mean they can be assholes about it. but yeah, so then she started bitching about liz. i'll be the first to admit that liz pisses me off a lot, but that doesn't mean i want my parents to complain about her. because she's still my friend and no matter how much she might irritate me, i put up with it and my parents have no right to complain about her. ... but yeah, so i'm really ticked off at them right now. other than that, didn't do anything with jamie tonight, probably will tomorrow instead. liz and dan came over and we sat around in my room for a couple hours and i popped the blisters on the back of my feet. it was weird.

autopilot off - long way to fall

ummmm... lesse... saw richard at wild waves today, he's moving! to centralia, i'll probably never see him again. i don't know, i'm a little sad but at the same time, he's never been a good close friend, just someone fun to talk to for a while. oh and i saw sarah too! she came up and talked to me for a little bit, right before i got off work and got shuttled away.
i feel exposed when i change my clothes in the car in the mall parking lot, but it's really funny at the same time. 'cause just imagine what the other people must be thinking!
i'm going to dye jeff's hair black! yeah! i'm on my way to making the school more interesting, and hopefully i'll figure out the best dye to use and such while i'm at it. i could be like william! actually i'm almost tempted to call him up and find out what he uses. anyway, so after work i walked up and around to sally's and the dollar store, didn't trust the hair dye and no mirrors but tons of candles for a dollar. when i get my license i'm going to drive up there and buy the place out. went to target for dye and water, and got scared shitless when i walked out the door. jordan, vj, and brandon were sitting on the curb outside and i was clueless, jordan shouted my name and i was like, what?! but yeah, so it was cool i guess, i talked to them for a little bit and walked home. no mail from matt today, i don't know if that's good or bad... i hope he'll get to stay in the air force. tonight jamie and i are thinking about going out and doing something, the only problem is we have no clue what and we're both broke and can't drive. kind of a problem, huh?

anti-flag - die for your government

oh geez. i just remembered. today i saw the scariest thing i've ever seen in my life. and now that i remember, i'm probably going to have nightmares about it. okay, so it was just this normal guy, right? but he was being led around, because he was blind. and when i looked at his eyes, he either didn't have any or they were really messed up. it was just black, but i think i saw something crusty in there, like his eyes were shrivelled up in the sockets. i looked away because it scared the crap out of me, and when i looked back, they were gone. but... shit, that image is burned in my head and even now it creeps me out.

lagwagon - know it all

i hope i never become like the person described in that song.
as for today, it wasn't too bad. my dad got my purse back, and nothing's missing. work, well, nothing really super special, but i did see nick saine and i talked to him for a good 20 minutes, catching up on the past year.
i always think of neat things to put in here, but as a rule, it only happens when i don't have time to write it out.
i've been thinking a lot lately about what i want out of life. and while i do this, i get scared and stop because if there's one thing i know, i don't want to grow up yet. i don't want to consider the path my life is taking and serious things that could make me depressed. all i know is i want to be happy.