suicide machines - all my people

okay, that nasty blue funk i was in earlier has gone away, and i'm feeling better! my walls are still VERY blank, but i got out the hot glue gun and made mike's hard lemonade cap fridge magnets! "we can snippy at mike's" and "it no cool by jone's". stuck them on randomly without much thought... i'll try for more profound phrases once i get more words.

hot water music - we'll say anything we want

not today, but tomorrow around 4, they say. we'll see.
'round noon i ran to steph's. i saw a crazy guy with headphones dancing on a corner, and a dog getting its butt sprayed with a hose in someone's front yard. when i got to her house i laid on the couch with some water while she took a shower, and when she drove me home the trip mileage says it was 3 miles. not bad, i guess.
so we bummed around all day, she cleaned my house and i'm in the middle of tearing apart my room. not sure exactly how i'll redo it this time, but i'm ready for a change.
oh! steph showed me the song written about me today. it's pretty damn cool! i hope those guys get famous someday - at least enough so i can hear my "fuck you!" song on some college radio station.
"So you tell me now that you're looking for your perfect man,
But i still can't, full understand,
Why i couldn't be that guy,
And you know you shouldn't lie,
Why couldn't you have told me right from the start,
Well i hope you find the man that your lookin for,
And i hope that he is everything you wanted and more,
But i hope when you get real close,
That he turns up his nose,
And eventually, i hope he breaks your heart,"
the sad thing is, he's a little too late. that already happened, thanks.
honestly, when i first read it, i laughed my ass off. it's mean, and vindictive, but i didn't really hit me. but just before steph left, she reminded me once again of my complete and utter failure with all my relationships... and now, well, i feel bad.
this is hardly the time for me to be bitching about relationships, though. my life's still good - everything around me has potential. my job, school, friendships, even what's going on at home. it's all just going to get better from here, unless something catastrophic happens.
i need to fill up the tank in the van, but scott took it out... hopefully he'll get back soon, i forgot to remind him the gas guage doesn't work and it's the trip mileage you have to go by. i'm probably going to go out and buy my little mini magnets, too. i feel like doing some constructive procrastination, instead of just sitting around on my computer all day.

hot water music - trusy chords

ohhhhh it feels so good to be home... i think i could die right now.
8 hours. EIGHT HOURS! i haven't done that since summer, and at least at wild waves, i had something to do. but no! not at the aquatic center. i shit you not, i sat at the receptionist desk the whole time and read a book i found in a drawer.
anyway, it doesn't matter about the work thing. today centered around liz.
it was weird, really. okay, the other day, i talked to donovan for a little bit while i was walking to weight training. i was telling him how it's been going with liz, and he said, "you know she's using you right." and it screwed up my happy content. i mean, no shit. but it's like... when you know something's wrong, but you're happy with it as long as no one says it out loud. but donovan did. so i've just been feeling pretty bitter toward her lately, again. but i guess, maybe, i'm over it? because it's gone already. believe me, that is no small miracle. i usually stay mad at her for weeks, but it was gone in... a little over 24 hours. it might have something to do with the complete lack of anything interesting going on in my life.
so, like i was saying. today with liz. she's been feeling really.. down all week, like i've been feeling the past month or two. it went away on thursday, though, and the past two days i've been trying to make it easier for her. call it a maternal instinct if you want, but she just seems so vulnerable. like she'll break if you're not careful with her. which is actually a little bit of the truth, so i guess it's not a too-far-fetched feeling. so we ran around after school and cracked jokes in the kitchen as usual, and.. well, i tried. i hope she'll be okay.
ross says he knows girls dating 30 year olds. so HA tuey, 24 isn't that bad! i kid. seriously.

garbage - special

today marks one of those 'whoa' days. one of those days in which i am totally blown away by the behavior of other people. in this case, it's a good thing.
i don't feel like going into massive details, though. but, well. lunch was extremely cool - that sophomore with the socks is becoming one of my favorites, kinda like a cute little brother that you can give piggy back rides to and all. and i'm going to be needing someone immature like him soon - my kids are moving! that's right, john and michelle are moving my boys down to california... so it's unlikely i'll ever see them again... anyway, like i said, this immature guy is very cool and i enjoy running into him immensely. then in history, well... for the whole year i've just felt a little disconnected from the class. i know everyone in there but i really don't talk to many of them. so it was just... odd, the conversations going on today. but odd in a good way. and then work? that was the big shocker. the "asshole" lifeguard was actually really nice today 'n i ended up talking to him for over half an hour.
i guess it's a little pointless to be writing about these dumb meaningless run-ins. but... they make my day better, you know? it's the little things.
speaking of little things! it was still light out at 5:00!! and while i was running, there were millions of robins jumping around in everyone's front yards. spring is almost here! and then - summer!
matt and james are going to come visit me on saturday! i'm finally going to get the prom pictures, after two years... it should be interesting to see them!

garbage - i think i'm paranoid

oh what a day. i made an ass out of myself at jason's. liz and i were so bored... and while i do like the guys, they were so.. boring! and i told them that. and i think they got offended. oops. but it was more interesting that sitting at home all day doing homework.. which i haven't started yet.
i got a new mike's cap today. it says 'can'. i really need to find those mini magnets i've been talking about getting, so i can start making phrases on my fridge.
garbage and the cure, and... i've forgotten the other. that's my personal list for my next chunk of free time.
had a very good dinner with liz's parents. pot roast and steamed broccoli and rice with soy sauce. we all watched donnie darko - mike loved it and dianne was confused. it was cool, though.

goo goo dolls - acoustic #3



michael, and then the top of tony's sharpie-colored head.
wow. today sucked, and ruled, all at the same time. it was bad, then really bad, then okay, then really good, then okay, then really good, then really bad, then really good again, and now it's just good.
here's the explanation for those moods. bad - when i woke up, i tripped (twice) walking across my room on different things, and fell flat and wanted to cry because i was so tired and scared about going through another day.
really bad - right toward the end of math, i had a panic attack. i don't understand this precal stuff, i just can't figure it out, at all... and i got to thinking about brent, and how he used to be around to help me with all my problems, not just math. but he could make me feel better no matter what was wrong. and i miss him so much... i almost started crying at school, i felt so completely alone and cut off from everyone in my life.
it got okay when i was in weight training - nothing extremely special, just running around with tuey, and we maxed out on the bench and drank lots of water.
it was really good during lunch - i had goldfishes! i ate lots of them, and shared with louis and liz and tuey and christian, and filled tobias's shirt with them. that one kid with the cool socks made me carry him around because it would be "romantic". and tuey and i went from talking about me finally having her child to different ways we could pop a baby's head (i know, it was pretty sick).
history was okay. nothing truly good or bad - i half paid attention and half filled out the packet on the chapter.
after school, it got really good again - liz and i sped home and talked, like we've been doing for the past week. she'd been having a pretty crappy day, too, so we laughed and joked and basically made each other feel better again. we ate lots of chocolate and made horse lips and talked about how messed up our school is, and how it's not anyone's specific fault, it's just everyone's attitude lumped together that makes everything so impersonal. then at work i wasn't all alone, tosha was there and there were cool people all around the building to talk to.
it got really bad again for some strange reason while i was outside all alone, washing some windows. i started shaking, and getting really nervous, though i'm not sure why. i was scared, and i didn't want to go back into the building. i wanted to go home and crawl into bed and hold onto my stuffed dog and pull the covers over my head and forget about everything and everyone. i started thinking about brent again, and again, almost started crying. i've been close to losing it all day, actually. the only thing that's kept me from breaking down is just forcing myself to stop thinking about it, and focus completely on whatever i'm doing.
it got really good again when i finished work and went downstairs to talk to david. he was busy, so i sat on a table with the 24 year old and we talked about valentine's day coming, and why he's attractive to younger girls (heheh.. umm? not talking from personal knowledge here? yeah right.) and then while i was learning how to do my computerized time sheet ryan came in from giving lessons and give me a big wet hug, which made my whole day seem bearable.
so now it's good again, because i'm home and i ate some more chocolate to cheer myself up. and i'll be going to do history soon, which is okay. it may be time consuming, but i understand it and even partially enjoy it.
sitting behind sean in math, i can't help but overhear his and madison's conversations about music. now, don't get me wrong. jazz and music theory and everything like that is absolutely wonderful - hell, that's what set me off in the first place, because i got to thinking about how nuts brent was about jazz, and how i miss having his influence around, showing me new things that i'd appreciate. anyway. those two are on the right path about a lot of things. but. for an example let's use blink 182. just because they got more in-depth and complex with their music, doesn't mean it's better than their old stuff. remember those camp songs we sang? they're simple, they're things anyone can learn - and they're the favorites. an italian sonata may be beautiful, but anyone can sit around the campfire and sing along to an acoustic guitar. so, the whole point of this is, i like the old blink better than their new cd. honestly, their new cd, except for a few tracks, hurts to listen to. but the old stuff is fun and immature and easy to lose yourself in. thank you, that's all.

automatic 7 - greasy



there's tysson dykes! doesn't he look like such a country bumpkin? it's okay, i mean, he is a country bumpkin. but he's also in the airforce, currently in south carolina but soon to be shipping out to the desert. tysson's always been the cool big brother down in long beach, mostly because whenver i've seen him up until recently, he's been involved in some kind of special relationship with elaina. he's just a wonderful guy, big (if you can't tell from that picture) and friendly, funny and affectionate, and always ready for a good wrasslin' match.
i experienced some massive road rage driving home today. i'd apologize to those in the car who witnessed it, but they don't read this. however, to make up for lost time, liz graciously offered to run with me. surprisingly! i had her tired out at the end. i'm very proud of my improvement now. nothing special at work, nothing special now. i need to do some heavy amounts of homework, though.

dropkick murphys - world full of hate


elaina is gorgeous, isn't she? where i dream of living the glamorous teenage life, elaina knows she does. she's a wonderful person, and i'm always glad that we're the kind of cousins that are best friends, not the ones that hate/barely know each other.
oh, my. so much, indeed, has happened.
let's start with saturday.
i woke up around 8 to the sound of people's voices i didn't know, and walked downstairs to find two guys i'd never seen before standing in our family room. i was confused to a very long moment, until it clicked that, oh yeah, we were getting a gas fireplace installed.
so i went for a run and came back and showered and ate breakfast and went to stephanie's at 11.
we got out hair done at the hair masters by south hill mall at noon. it was very fun, tuey almost died when trish started curling her hair, and i never before realized just how much hair i have.
then we went to the mall and ate taco time. very good.
then we went and got manicures/pedicures. it was a first for me, so i sat in the little chair wiggling my toes and spinning in circles laughing, while steph laughed at me because i was so happy. eagles' hotel california played on the radio twice.
then, there was a moment. driving home, bohemian rhapsody was playing on the radio. all five of us (me, tuey, laura, meghan, and shauna) sang every word to it, and when we got to steph's house, we sat in the car until it was over so we could enjoy every second of it.
then we did our makeup and got dressed.
then the boys came.
then laura took pictures.
then we went out to eat at black angus. i got a salad.
then we came to my house and took pictures in front of the new fireplace.
then i had another moment. steph and i were looking at the candy in my pantry, and for some reason we decided to "sneak" food into the dance - so we did this whole sneaky routine with smuggling the bag out of the pantry and into the dining room out of sight, filling our purses, then smuggling the bag back into the pantry without anyone knowing what we were up to. of course, we couldn't keep a straight face at all. so we were bursting out laughing the entire time, and no one knew why, so my dad decided to just take a picture so we would remember the moment, even if no one else understood.
then we went to brandon's and pat didn't want to take pictures of us because we wouldn't flip the camera off. so instead we took "muscle shots".
then we played fusion frenzy. i came in second.
then alan got reeaaallly mad because it was already nine and he's kinda sensitive about being on time. so we went to the dance.
then we danced.
then we went to denny's with a bunch of people, like kirk and tijs and josh and brandon and julie and kayla.
then the waiter spilled ice water all down alan's back.
so then we didn't really pay for any of our stuff. we left around 1?
then alan drove me back to stephanie's house, because that's where my car was.
then i had the third moment of the evening - stephanie forgot her housekey. so the three of us (steph, brandon, me) stood freezing cold out on her porch waiting for her barking dogs to wake up her mom to let us in. i can't really explain why this was so significant. but the way our breath was rising in the air, the way all of us were just kind of standing there hunched over ourselves shivering and complaining and laughing - and then steph yelling at her dog through the door to shut up, even though their barking was the only way we would ever get inside.
then i drove home and went to bed.

here's a little time for you to rest before we move on to what's happened today so far.

okay, all rested up?

good.
4 hours after going to sleep, i woke up again and went to work. i didn't bother trying to wash my hair - instead i just piled it into a ponytail and ran out the door. just so you know, i got a lot of comments about how nice my hair looked and wasn't it a little unusual to have it like that for work?
i was really lazy today. i'm ashamed of myself. but none of the managers were there and all my friends were, so i pretty much sat in the guard room the whole time, listening to music on amy's laptop and doing crossword puzzles and running around with ryan when he was on break. jaimie was starving, and the hospitality people were only too happy to give away their food, so i got her a sandwich. this happened right when brooke showed up, she told trish, and trish lectured me about taking food from the hospitality room. amy and jaimie both apologized but honestly, the way they were bitching about brooke helped more than anything.
after i got off, i promized ryan i'd get him some starbucks and bring it back. so i did. unfortunately, as i was getting out of my car, i dropped it on the ground and the whole thing literally shattered (plastic cup, shattering, i know. i was confused too.) but, well, amy's mocha frap was okay sooo yeah i left before ryan got back so he wouldn't bitch about it. heh.
so when i came home i ran again, and... damn. i'd been eating almost all day down in the guard room, drinking amy's cherry coke, eating ryan's dessert pizza and jaimie's tuna and crackers, plus the stuff the hospitality people had given me... ugh, running was the worst thing ever. i felt like i was going to vomit half the time, and the other half i was having enough trouble keeping myself going. but i did it! and that, despite everything, was worth it. because no matter how much i feel like i'm not doing good enough, if i can keep a personal goal, i feel like i've accomplished something.
you have no idea, though. when i took a shower today, it was the best shower i've ever taken in my life. i was sweaty from running, sticky from hairspray, and stinky from trash. i was tired and aching and just plain miserable. but i put in my dropkick murphys cd (so glad i picked that over allister) and blasted the music, and... everything went away. i feel wonderful! now i'm vegging in my tux shirt and i feel just. plain. good.