pete yorn - lose you

for the first time, i heard the story of how my parents met.
it's pretty simple, actually. when my mom was in highschool, my dad was a leader at their youth group. she talked to him a little, but never really got to know him. off to college she went, and didn't see him again for 3 years, until after he'd graduated. she was at the library one day when she ran into him - he was preparing for a sunday school class he was going to teach the next day. she walked up to him and said hi, asked how things were going, then went off to study after saying maybe she'd see him around sometime. and he stopped her and asked if she'd like to go see a movie that night. they started dating, they got married, and she's never once regretted it, even after 25 years.
what was it she said? "i've never regretted any of it, never wondered if someone better might've come along."
i like that. i like the idea that some casual acquaintance could be the story of your life. i like to believe that true love is out there, not the passionate infatuation kind, but the kind that sees you through every day life. she was telling me how it's not just enough to find a person that cares about you - it needs to be someone that you can care about. you can't live with someone your entire life and be completely selfish. she told me about her dad, and her mom, who i don't even remember.
my grandpa's a nice guy, i guess, but he's also old-fashioned. i guess he was really disrespectful when my mom was growing up. he wasn't an alcoholic or abusive, just emotionally cold. and it really messed my grandma up. she was unstable and relied on my mom, the only other girl in a family of 7, to be with her all the time and be there for her through everything. my mom's like me - she needs her space, her time to be independant. and my grandma would be jealous of the time my mom spent on her own, without her.
...anyway, it was really interesting to hear all this. i've been reading again, different books than usual. and i saw big fish today, which only encouraged the feeling. when i was little, i wasn't raised on family stories, i wasn't taught about any kind of heritage i could be proud of. no really strong family secrets or anything like that. you know how some people have this whole ancestry, prestige-type thing going on? i've had none of that. i really don't know much about my family, my parents or my grandparents or beyond. i think today was the most i've ever heard my mom talk about what life was like for her, growing up. i liked it.
i've always liked stories with a history. i love complex histories, stories that go back forever and are like legends to the world today. tolkein's books are amazing, he created a whole world. you read lord of the rings and you know it's only one small part of the story, that there are so many sidetracks to consider, so many different parts. i like things like that, and i like hearing about things that've happened before.
so apparently matt and james are going to come visit me on the 21st. i might skip school that day, but first i have to figure out what's going on then.
i got tons of books are the book warehouse. well, not tons. 4. but they were cheap, and i feel giddy just looking at them. it's amazing how much i've suddenly become obsessed with literature. online i'm reading the scarlet pimpernel, i'm in the middle of white oleander and house of sand and fog, and now i've got these new ones. i'm happy! my cup overfloweth.
oscar wilde - the importance of being earnest and other plays
arthur miller - death of a salesman
alex shakar - the savage girl
jaclyn moriarty - feeling sorry for celia
oh, and my mom and i went shopping for a baby shower at oshkosh. talk about flashbacks! there i was, surrounded by all these cute baby clothes that i recognized from all my baby pictures. it's so easy to get caught up in "oh this is so cute!" and forget that we're talking babies, here. everything gets mauled and slobbered on and stained and dirty within the first hour of being worn. but they were cute. my mom said i was regressing, when i ended up buying a baby toy for myself (what can i say? it's cute!) she's also warned me not to even consider having a baby for at least another 10 years.

thrice - so strange i remember you

my english teacher had us read this really creepy article. i don't think anyone else caught it. but it gave me chills, how accurate it is.
"The problem with the casual sex so fashionable in films is not that it arouses lust but that it deadens feelings and annihilates privacy. The danger is not that sexual exploitation will create sex fiends but that it may spawn eunuchs. People who have the habit of seeing everything and doing anything run the risk of feeling nothing."
feeling nothing... yeah, sounds close. sounds dead-on, actually. i showed it to liz and she agrees with me. some people might think our generation's too sensitive, what with depression and violence in our schools and all that. but from my point of view? we're all so close together, around each other every day, with our close friends and our acquaintances and just... everything. we'll talk to a complete stranger about anything, and sure it may seem bold, but really... it's because no one cares.
maybe it's just me. but even if it is just me, that article scared me. sometimes it feels like that's what i'm becoming... an emotional eunuch.
see, right now. my mom came in and started talking to me about how nice it was i cleaned the kitchen, gee golly elaina and i sure look alike, would you like to run out and buy some dinner? and... i don't care. it doesn't matter. no, i suppose elaina doesn't ever look happy. maybe i do have a better mouth than her. funny, i was craving burgers so badly earlier, and now that i'm getting money to get some, i want to crawl into bed and forget about everything. i want to go out with friends and laugh and have a good time and i can't because i don't think it's possible right now. so instead i'll probably end up running countless errands, driving around, grocery shopping maybe, nameless and completely forgettable, sharing nothing with anyone. sometimes i like being independant. other times, it scares me. right now i think i'm almost scared.

matchbox twenty - bright lights

sooo... i got hit on at work today. that was some pretty funny stuff! i mean, anywhere else i could understand. but at work? as a janitor? in my scrubby clothes? while i was vacuuming??
*ahem* let me set the scene... haha... i was vacuuming, yes. some bastard opened the door where i was trying to vacuum, so i waited for him to leave, then just as i was closing the door some bastard walked up behind me and went right through. there are TWO doors! and i was standing RIGHT in front of that one with the vacuum on... (um, sorry. i've been angry all day, not sure why, but everything's been pissing me off. no, not pms.) so yeah, i stood there glaring at the most recent bastard, when this boy comes through the (other) door and almost walks by, then stops and turns around. (i know this whole door thing is complicated, but i feel like going into confusing details. it's what i do.) he asks me "do you work here? what's your name? chelsea huh? cool. (shakes my hand right here) what school do you go to? oh that's cool. how old are you? awesome me too! alright well i'll cya around chelsea." heheh. funny boy. okay, i'll give him props, not many guys will go up to a random girl like that... but his handshake was really weak.
anyway, beyond that, a little girl fell down the bleacher stairs and they called a fire truck and i got to stand outside and wait for the truck and wave them in.
soon as i got home, got sent off to buy milk, so i went a'road trippin'! and ended up in the poor side of town, don't know how that happened, but everyone was either a minority or dirty or covered in paint or shaggy or all at once. but i got cocoa mix, milk chocolate swiss miss! and jet-puffed marshmallows!!!! yummmm!
hahaha... stephanie's an exhibitionist! and yeah, cole, chicken ramen does own.

fuel - hemorrhage

updato.
fortunately i'm not yet old/mature enough to really, really think about things. i'll touch on a subject and move on before i can get too in depth about it, think too much about it. the stuff i do come up with? usually when i'm talking to people, i'll just say something and go with it, without really considering what i really, truly think, or if what i'm saying even makes sense in different situations.
i guess ultimatums don't ever work, but oh well.
see, i was going to write something entirely different up here, about how i'm constantly changing my mind, my opinions. how i can't even be happy with the same music for more than a little while at a time. how i'm always looking for new friends, the next best thing, something new to do with myself. i can't ever be happy with what i have. i do love my friends, my real friends. the ones i honestly chose to keep, to hold onto, to be with. it's the ones that i don't really have a choice about, that i have a problem with. the friends of friends, the people who are just part of the group. the people who i've known for too long to abandon. the people who just won't leave me alone. that's why i'm always complaining about finding new friends. STEPHANIE! for the LAST time, when i say "i need new friends" THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO YOU. sheesh. i'm referring to everyone else. cheesy grin here kids, i'm kidding. i just haven't yet found the perfect people. of course, there's no such thing. if other people can't force their friends on me and we all live happily ever after, then how can i expect to find the right group for me, and make everyone else get along?
oh oh! i've been craving cocoa like a heroin addict for days now. and with the roads all icy and stuff, and me not showering or anything, it's really not worth it to go out in public and bother with the grocery store and all just for one stupid bucket of cocoa mix. BUT! i found ghirardelli's sweetened cocoa powder, for baking and for DRINKING! so i've been drinking cocoa like a fiend all day. half milk, half super-hot water, and 2.5 tablespoons of the FINEST cocoa powder around. yumm!

lucky boys confusion - hey driver

oops, forgot to write anything yesterday, even though i sat at this very computer for an hour or two and thought about it, but put it off for 'later'. we didn't have school yesterday! and we don't today either. yesterday i ran around with evan, aaron, derek, and josh for a long while. oh, and michael too. and it was fun. we sledded down the big ass hill by my house, then played football in the snow. -that- was fun. lots of good stuff going on, since it was tackle. the fun times with old friends died, though, when liz and brandon came to find me and josh locked me out of his house. bastard. so i went back to brandon's and we played in the snow with luke and tuey and tommy. we sledded down hills and had lots of good fun. while we were playing in the street, jeff and sean showed up, so they joined us. liz and i made a giant snowman, taller than tommy. then there was a big ol' snowball fight and the snowman got murdered in the middle of it. sean, jeff, and tommy left. we went inside and made a pizza and were about to watch memento, but brandon's dad had to drive liz 'n me home before it got too icy. it almost was too icy, actually, since going down the kinda-okay hill by aaron's, the truck lost traction and we skid down most of it. scary, but exhilirating. anyway, after all that, i sat around and sorta read my book for school and mostly played video games, and konked out around midnight.
i had some really weird dreams last night, involving elaina and my grandma and some huge extended family that i don't have, and colleges and a snow storm and elaina and i watched a little cessna airplane crash. then there was something about driving up a narrow tropical mountain road in a truck with a bunch of guys i knew, but now that i'm awake, i have no idea who they were supposed to be.
so i woke up and i ache all over, but it's the good ache, like yesterday i did something worthwhile. and i did. so far today i've gotten two calls from liz's parents asking if she's over here, which she's not, and hasn't been. this tends to happen so whatever, no biggie. eventually i guess i'll get up and take a shower, but mostly all i'm going to do is play more video games, maybe do homework, and if possible, go out and get some hot cocoa mix.
also, as i've been writing this, i had a pretty cool conversation with ryan. i'd like to post it up here. it might help all of you, but it'll mostly be here for me, so i can look back later and remember this mood i'm in right now, and remind myself what it's like. see, i say a lot of things. and for the moment, i do mean it. but later, my mood might change, or anything really, and i'll feel differently. so... hopefully i'll be able to remember this.

missinglunchbox: awesome... don't you love these days?
missinglunchbox: like, you know something better is coming
Mr Hamburglar86: what days...snow days?
missinglunchbox: but for now, life's pretty okay
Mr Hamburglar86: yes...yes it is
Mr Hamburglar86: you know what...i think i am finally back to being good ol' me in 8th grade...^_^
missinglunchbox: awesome!
missinglunchbox: and you like that?
Mr Hamburglar86: yes...yes
Mr Hamburglar86: well...i am still my mature, philisophical self...but i am happy and content as i remember i was in 8th grade
missinglunchbox: that's even better, then.
Mr Hamburglar86: i guess it is
Mr Hamburglar86: so...are you happy as can be?
missinglunchbox: not as happy as can be.
missinglunchbox: but not unhappy.
Mr Hamburglar86: aye
Mr Hamburglar86: so...just...there?
missinglunchbox: yeah
missinglunchbox: it's like..
missinglunchbox: the extreme happiness that i'm lacking
missinglunchbox: i can't do anything about that
missinglunchbox: it's the kind of happiness that just happens, and when it's not there, all you can do is keep living, keep enjoying, and wait for something to bring it back
Mr Hamburglar86: true...very true
Mr Hamburglar86: do you have any idea as to what would get you extreme happiness?
Mr Hamburglar86: or is that blank?
missinglunchbox: that's blank.
Mr Hamburglar86: aye...i see
missinglunchbox: like i said. it just happens
missinglunchbox: you can't make it happen, it's just something, or someone, that you notice one day.
Mr Hamburglar86: well...would you be happier if you were in Long beach or something
missinglunchbox: possibly.
missinglunchbox: but even elaina's gets old
missinglunchbox: i get restless there too.
Mr Hamburglar86: i read in your blog that being there with those people brought back great memories and extreme joy to you
Mr Hamburglar86: ahhh
Mr Hamburglar86: restless isnt always good
missinglunchbox: we went on a walk from midnight to 2 am because i couldn't sit still, i was bored, i had to do something
missinglunchbox: i like it actually
Mr Hamburglar86: thats good
missinglunchbox: i mean, there are so many things to be, besides happy.
missinglunchbox: right now i'm content and satisfied. in a few hours from now, i might be restless and anxious. or tired. or angry.
missinglunchbox: emotions don't even last a whole dya
missinglunchbox: day
missinglunchbox: that extreme happiness i was talking about.
missinglunchbox: it doesn't last. neither does anger. neither does depression.
missinglunchbox: i just live through it all and take it as it goes.
Mr Hamburglar86: man...you're too smart...hahaha
Mr Hamburglar86: i guess i havent thought of it that way before
missinglunchbox: nah. i'm just good at talking out my ass.
Mr Hamburglar86: hahaha
Mr Hamburglar86: *sniffs*...yup...deffinately out your ass
missinglunchbox: lol
missinglunchbox: chelseashit. not bullshit.
Mr Hamburglar86: hahaha
Mr Hamburglar86: Chelsishit
Mr Hamburglar86: i like that
missinglunchbox: yup! it's my own personal brand of shit.
Mr Hamburglar86: thats great
missinglunchbox: selling at 25 bucks a bag, special holiday discount!
Mr Hamburglar86: i wish i had some Chelsishit...
Mr Hamburglar86: YAY!
Mr Hamburglar86: i'll take 2

swingin' utters - next in line

i seeee you! dude i feel like a turtle or a hermit or something, sitting here in like 3 sweatshirts with the hoods on ('cause i had to stretch them out, y'know, fresh outta the dryer). lizzy came over and we watched three to tango (good chick flick!) and so i sat doing my history trying to make three sounds at once (hahaha, i promise, i'll show you). but yeah. i feel like a turtle hunched over and staring at the world, and i just caught sight of myself in the mirror, and i look neat. scary neat.
tomorrow, i have big plans. since it's supposed to snow a couple inches tonight (pleaseohpleaseohplease!!) liz and i are going to go on an adventure! we saw this guy walking on the lake across from the 320th entrance to our neighborhood, and we got jealous. so! guess what we're going to do! don't worry, we'll go prepared. extra clothes and a blanket and stuff, and rope, in case one of us falls in. not to mention the camera.
that or i'll be hanging out with evan and derek. depends who i find first.
i got nifty books today. i'm going to go read them. no worries! no romances/fantasies/sci-fi's stolen from scott this time! i'm taking a lesson from my intelligent cousin and i'm reading something other than what i'm used to. neat huh!

dropkick murphys - legend of finn maccumhail

This mighty soldier on the eve of the war
he waged told his troops of lessons learned from battles fought:
"May your heart grow bolder like an iron--clad brigade" said this leader to his outnumbered lot.

Known as a hero to all that he knew, long live the legend of Finn MacCool!
The brave fearless leader of the chosen few, long live the legend of Finn MacCool!

so, ah, i went out and spent another way-too-big sum of money. really. i've spent over $500 in the past month. but that doesn't matter as much as, how i told myself i -would not- touch final fantasy until i'd at least finished -some- of my homework.... HA! i should've known better. i played it for 4 hours straight, but before that, i watched a dvd that i impulsively bought from the walmart bargain bin. and i really, really doubt i'm going to get anything done tomorrow, even though i'm telling myself that's what i'll do.
anyway, other than this lack of acheivement, things have been looking up. i spent a couple hours with tuey today, moving furniture in the freezing ass cold from her garage to the backyard (don't ask). she came with me to do my little shopping errands, and while we were at walmart brandon called for a ride from work. ahh, brandon, gotta love that little tyke. him and his freaky cawing and screaming, how he'll be dead silent for a long time and then start muttering about who-knows-what. i love him. him 'n tuey, probably the best people i know these days. seriously, steph sat in the passenger's seat wearing ski goggles, staring at everyone we drove by. you should've seen the looks we were getting! and then brandon with his seagull fetish. you have no idea. i loved it.