umm... let's see. they didn't need me at work today so i left 6 minutes after i got there. oh well. so once i got home i kinda sat on my butt. watched the road to el dorado twice. called up tuey and tobias and they came over, brandon too, just left about 15 minutes ago. i am so tired! i get to get up early for work tomorrow, too, so i think i'm just going to drop off in a couple minutes. but.. yeah, today was a really good day. much better than sitting around at home wondering what everyone else is up to. okay, so maybe it wasn't radically exciting. but who cares? it was interesting. wendy's especially, since all i've been wanting lately is to get out of my house.
yeah... definitely time to sleep now.

what to say? i hope tuey doesn't mind that i didn't show up. i was supposed to go to her house for the 4th, but scott came home and i spent some time with him instead.
unfortunately, because of him, i'm deathly scared of going off on my own. he makes it all seem so... hopeless. in my head, college is like freedom. i'll finally be able to get out, do what i want, see things and meet the kind of people i want to know. have an entire life without my mom and dad breathing down my neck and judging it. and the way scott seems to put it... it's like, don't worry, it only sucks when you're awake. no, wait, when you're sleeping too.
so, i dunno. maybe it'll be different for me. i hope so. i know i can't expect to go through life well-adjusted and happy until i die. but i can try, right?

i don't know what to do. i don't know where i'm going. i had goals this summer. get a job, start working. but now that i am working... that's all i do. i get up, go to work, come home, and sit around waiting until i get to do it again. and i keep wondering what's going to happen next. and the truth is, nothing. nothing's going to happen. i'm exactly where i'm going to be. this is my job. this is what will happen every day until i quit or get fired. ... what a thrill. i need a change already. not at work. but in my life. i need to meet someone new, to spend some time with new people. i need to do something other than sit around with brandon and tuey, or watch tv with evan and aaron, or spend time with my family. i need variety! please!
other than that, though, right now i'm in a really good mood. it's hard to explain. i was looking through some conversations i've had with scott and for some reason they just got me smiling. you know how sometimes all the good things anyone's ever said to you run through your head? it doesn't happen often for me. but right now it's happening, and all the small little details of my life, things that make the day easier, are showing up and i just feel good.

awww, kids, today was fun! i don't know if i hate or love working at wild waves. at least i'm seeing more people!
let's see, first, i saw leannette and talked to her for a little bit. i'm so jealous! she's so pretty! oh well. she's doing pretty good, i forgot to ask what school she's going to these days, but whatever. jp came by a little while later and i actually talked to him for like 2 hours. during my lunch break i finally went on the timberhawk... it sucked. sarai works at wild waves! i only saw her for a little bit tho. and i saw josh too. and let's see, later vanessa walked by and i talked to her, we're probably gonna do something later next week, i dunno. but she's doing pretty well too. and last, after the dumb shuttle ride over to the mall, i went into zumiez in my dumb wild waves uniform, and saw jamie! she 'n i talked for a while, and talked to josh. ohhh he is so beautiful! and i really want to go shopping at zumiez, good stuff is always on sale there, and i desperately need new jeans... but i haven't started working yet, so no employee discount, and also no paycheck from any other jobs yet. so i'm screwed for the time. but yeah, jamie and i are pretty hung up on josh. or at least i am. sooo yeah... now i'm home... tired... working early tomorrow. might sleep soon, who knows. talked to jessika after what seems like forever, i really want her to come visit this summer, but i know that wouldn't be a good idea. my parents wouldn't like it, and i'd get bitchy after a day or two. i'm gonna go freeze some water now.

spent about 5 hours over at tuey's today, otherwise didn't do jack.
but, last night, i was feeling pretty bad. until i really, really thought about it. what happens now doesn't matter, not too much at least. two years from now, i'll be headed off for college. it seems so far away. but even college only lasts four years or so. after that, i'll have over fifty years to live my life. fifty years. that's insane. 21 seems so far away from now, i don't even consider 65. senior citizen? me? ... but i'll get there someday. and between then, i'm going to be pregnant. me? pregnant? same face, same height, same voice, same eyes... only carrying a living, seperate being in my stomach. ... it's so creepy to think about. and then my friends. evan, josh? with kids? responsible for the future of another person? being the center of the world to a little kid, who will copy everything they do and try to live up to their standards? and tuey... i mean, she's still a kid herself. no way would i trust her to take care of a kid when she's still trying to live her own life.
anyway. yeah. that's what's been on my mind lately. that, and how jealous i am of tuey and her family. her cousin jack gave her so much stuff today it's insane. i want a skull strobe light! i want a don't walk sign! i want neon orange tape! i want to be able to burn incense until my room gets hazy! ugh, she has it so great, i am so jealous of her.

i really don't know... i mean i thought i was getting enough sleep. 9 hours or so every night. but, well... i guess not. today after i went to the aquatic center, my mom and i went over to costco to do some shopping. on the way there, though, her cheery attitude and constant nitpicking over every small detail of her job interview... and then going over every possible way i could get to work without having anyone drive me... i got fed up with it really fast. by the time we got to costco i was about ready to snap and start yelling at her. and she hadn't done anything wrong! i was just mad about.. something. i honestly don't know what. driving back, she made some comment about my t-shirt. i don't even remember what it was. but it did something to me and almost started crying. i felt horrible. when we got home the feeling just got worse, so i couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. i got into my camp gilead shirt and fell asleep for about an hour. i don't know, when i woke up, i felt a little better. but since then, all day i keep getting these mood swings. one minute i'm happy and excited and cheerful and the next i feel like yelling at anyone who talks to me. i don't think it's pms... i mean it could be, but getting into the personal details here, i haven't gotten my period in over 2 months so i just really don't know. but it's really strange. i've only ever had one other day like this. i think it was back in eighth grade or something. i was with liz and i just started crying for no reason. i wasn't stressed, nothing major was happening in my life... i just started crying and couldn't stop. it really freaked her out. i remember crying even harder just because i didn't know why i was so upset. today, it's not that i was crying... it was just that feeling. like i couldn't stand it anymore, but i didn't know what it was. the feeling's pretty much gone now, but it still feels weird when i think about it. i mean, really, i can't think of anything right now that could do that to me. nothing's wrong. sure, it's not as right as i wish it could be, but my life's alright.
anyway... enough of that confusing stuff. scott says reading this thing is like eavesdropping. who cares? i want people to read this stuff. that's why it's here. lately brent has been moaning about how he wants otter pops. and being reminded of them made me want them, too. so i grabbed a huge box of them at costco today. we've already gone through over ten each today. i think i'm just going to live off them for the next couple days, until we run out. then i'll start eating real food again.

i really need to invest in a good pair of insols. or whatever they're called. you know, those things they advertise on the gellin' commercials. so yeah. working at wild waves... i'm not too sure about it. i don't know what i would've done without kolby, she's the greatest person ever put on this earth! i felt really dumb and out of place most of the day, but toward the end it started to get better. especially when richard showed up and oh! i love that boy! he is damn sexy still only he looks ten times better than he used to. anyway, didn't eat anything all day and my feet hurt and i'm tired but i really feel like going out and doing something. but there's nothing to do. so i guess i'll just have to... i dunno... entertain myself? tv it is.