white stripes - fell in love with a girl

ouch, man. what a splendidly crappy, terrible day.
how was it that tuey put it? oh so gently, "are you having a nervous breakdown?" yes, actually, i did. precal seems to be doing this to me a lot lately - i panicked. it was the hardest thing in the world to keep from breaking down in the halls. i tried, i really tried not to cry today... but fuck, like that's ever worked. it sucked. my eyes were bright red, i was light headed and couldn't really breathe right... it was terrible. i hate crying in public, even though i've done it a lot. anyway, steph was my savior. we skipped out of weight training after the running part, and drove to emerald city smoothie, and got some wendy's and just sat, and ate, and talked about nothing in general. it felt great, though. to get out of there. i've been overwhelmed all day - i know i'm not, but i feel like i'm shaking constantly. we were driving down 320th with the windows down, and i just sat there, soaking it up... it's impossible to describe. i felt that at least for a minute, things were making sense. driving, breathing, singing... i can understand those things. but lately i can't find any meaning to anything else i do. school's pointless - i know i need to do it, find things that interest me and might be important in my future. but right now... i can't get into it. i do like math, even precal. i like history. i like learning things. i just can't get myself to focus on it. and it's not even like there's something distracting me! i've stopped smoking, stopped drinking. i run, i work, i read. that all feels right. it feels good. i like running. i like reading. i don't like work so much as i like seeing the people i work with. i even like school, but not on days like this.
all day, all i've been thinking about is coming home and having my mom hug me. how pathetic can i get? when i got home, though, i couldn't do it. i told her what was wrong, but i couldn't just let go like i usually do. this is getting ridiculous. i need control over what's happening, and giving into pitying myself isn't going to get me anywhere.
besides all that depressing shit, though, today hasn't been bad. i guess it's been like those crazy roller coaster days that happen sometimes. i loved getting out of school. i may have been feeling like i was shaking, and like there was something huge pressing down on my chest... but the look of the fog covering the hills in the distance made the road seem endless. almost like, maybe, if we kept going, we'd end up somewhere other than auburn. maybe it'd be someplace new. and the way our breath kept fogging up because it was so cold out, but we still kept the windows down... i loved it.
another moment that i want to remember is when steph was driving me to work, i sat with the window rolled down and clipped my nails outside the car. this is important to me, though i know it doesn't make sense. lately i've been feeling like i lost who i used to be, like i have no personality of my own anymore. of course i remember every time someone "notices" me. i can't help it - it always slightly surprises me. shit, i'm sorry. i've just realized how much i've been complaining. i've been thinking all of this for the past couple weeks, and now that i've started typing it out, i can't stop... but i will now.
because in about an hour, i'm going back to the aquatic center. weird, i know, but tosha and i seriously need to learn to swim again. rob says it's okay, so we're going to go down there and swim laps and just... figure it out. she's making me wear a bikini, though, since she doesn't have anything else to wear. like i really need this added onto the list of shit today. oh well.
you know, despite how much i've been feeling sorry for myself, i don't feel that bad. not really. it feels hopeless, but i know it will get better. it has to. i'll make it.