lawrence arms - nebraska

i've come down with a cold. i sounded like a frog this morning, it was kinda cool.
yesterday kind of went by without anything happening. i don't remember the hours between 12 and 7. i know i cleaned my room and did other random stuff, but i don't see how i could've spent 7 hours doing absolutely nothing... but yeah.. so around 7 i got fed up and drove off, went to the supermall and bought some random shit, necklaces and mittens and a sweatshirt and a car freshener. the bastards left the security tag on the mittens, though, and i didn't realize that until way later. jeff called while i was gone 'n i called him back when i got home, but i was tired 'n starting to fade out. i was kind of in a trance from keeping myself awake while driving. anyway, so it was kind of a pointless conversation and i feel bad that i wasn't more awake to talk to him.
anyway, woke up this morning, parents left for a drive of some sort and i had the house to myself. jeff's finishing up moving in and cleaning their apartment, so i couldn't see him. i went to seatac and got the tag removed, bought some pants and came home again.
i really didn't have anything to do. i turned up greenday and wandered around for a while. i remember liz had been looking through my pictures on friday and i went to do that. it's amazing all the memories they brought back... good times, all of them, but unfortunately a lot of the circumstances have changed. there was the pictures of travis and i before the banquet... and he's dead now. i feel kind of numb every time i think that. there were the pictures from illahee, of me and anna, josh, evan, rachel... i don't even talk to them anymore, or at least rarely. wild waves with vanessa and the group. ... sam. who could've guessed how everything turned out?
i'm sorry to be talking about sam again. but seeing his picture and then liz brought him up today... it's got me thinking about it again. i guess i'll always think about him now and then, but it's stopped hurting, thank god. i can thank jeff for that. =) but yeah, liz thought she saw him at work a couple days ago, which could be possible since i don't even know where he's going to college. anyway, she asked me, if i had the chance, would i go back and do it again, or avoid it completely? i've thought about that before. and i know i'd do it again. seriously, i have some really good memories from all of it. wonderful stuff that i never want to forget. i just wish it could have ended differently. i told her, i'd go back and do it again, but not hoping that i could end up with him. i don't want that at all. i'd just go back and enjoy it, have fun, but see the signs and protect myself from how it ended, so i wouldn't have all that emotional damage i put myself through.
anyway, like i said, you just can't predict how things are going to end up. you just have to enjoy the good stuff while you've got it. and that's what i've been trying to do. what i'll keep trying to do.
i like my new pants.