no music tonight

it felt good to take the day off. slept in, lazed around, didn't think, didn't do anything i didn't want to.
going over to michelle's was weird, though. seeing someone else in charge of my kids. i probably could have been a little nicer to matt, but it was like he was invading my territory. i babysit jj and isaac. sure, michelle has other babysitters, but i do it the most, i enjoy it, they like me. matt didn't even know what he was doing. and i was his babysitter! i mean, yeah, it was his first time ever babysitting. and i've been taking care of them for 3 years. his first time in that house - my romping grounds. but he was completely useless. he made isaac cry worse by trying to dump him in the crib when i specifically told him "hold him and rock him". and i wasn't impressed by how he ignored the kids and kept trying to talk to me the whole time. i didn't like matt when liz brought him home with her. i didn't like him when i was being paid to watch him. and i don't like him now that i have no reason at all compelling me to be nice. i was still nice to him... but he is so unbelievably annoying... 'course, i know if i was a sevie and had a chance to talk to a highschool junior i'd soak it up... but ugh. empathy only goes so far.
anyway, i'm feeling a little better, sick-wise. voice isn't as bad as it was, but now my nose is all congested, with occasional urgent ejections of green mucus. my eyes are red and water and stingy. everything feels fuzzy and disconected, and earlier i was wheezing when i breathed.
ohhh high school, how confusing you are. i can't take anything seriously because i know there's a better life waiting for me, and yet i can't forget that i'm supposed to enjoy the moments while i can. at least, i used to. now, all this seriousness and stuff is getting to me and i can't seem to let go as well i used to be able to. i'd kill for summer again. i'd kill for the few weeks before summer. i'd kill to spend another day at brandon's playing video games, another day eating ice cream with liz. another day driving around with steph.
i remember the day after the concert, right before school started. jeff had gone home and tuey had finally woken up. we went to wendy's for breakfast. it was a sunny morning/noon-ish time and we sat with our food and i was so happy, everything was perfect. tuey had brandon, i had jeff, we both could finally swap stories and bask in our relationships, everything had this golden fuzzy glow and i was so excited for everything that was coming. now, yeah, i still have stuff to look forward to. but it doesn't seem as wonderful as it did. it's like, everything's become a chore. i like seeing jeff, but i have to force myself to show enthusiasm. i like talking to my friends, but most of the time i'm just so sick of trying to be cheerful that i become silent and bitter.
and you know, as much as that all sounds like i should be depressed, i'm not. despite all these bitter and almost helpless feelings, like i'm growing up and becoming boring and mature and i can't do anything about it, i'm still happy. life is still good. i just don't think i'm as fun as i used to be. i'm the grumpy old lady surrounded by all the happy kids, who likes their childish enthusiasm but can't help herself from criticizing everything they do.