i went to tom's birthday party bbq thing. it wasn't bad. but it wasn't good, either.
i think i just don't do well at parties, no matter how much i happen to love them. i'm fine most of the time, but then... i don't know. i get tired of the bullshit, i guess.
it was worse when i was out in his backyard. everyone was inside except for brandon, tuey, liz, and me. we were all standing out by his ping pong table under the christmas lights. and it just hit me... it's impossible for me. i actually wrote about this earlier. some people can just... connect, so easily, and sit and have loads of things to talk about with a completely new person. and i just can't do it! i wish i could, i really do, but i can't! i don't trust myself to say what's on my mind.
and another thing. first of all, don't get me wrong, i am not complaining that i want a boyfriend. i've noticed i'm happier on my own. what i do want, though, is a guy. a guy that i can just sit and talk to and wonder and fantasize about, but without the pressure for anything to happen. i almost had that with sam, but, well, that didn't work out. i need someone, a friend that i trust and get along with and can just have a great time with once everyone's divided into their little groups. because you know that happens. the night wears on, and people are either with their old friends, or the one new person they connected with that night. my old friends aren't at the parties i've been to. and i can't connect. so what? i sit around and really have nothing to complain about... i just don't feel right. i don't want to complain. i get mad at the people who do. i just have a hard time making myself smile. ... oh, nevermind, it's hard to explain.
i'm tempted to go into the whole situation with relationships... but i don't know. tuey used to be in the same situation as me. only not really. but, obviously, not anymore. i don't know... i just, really, don't know how to explain what's going through my head right now.