i'm tired, that's the only explanation for it.
life has been getting to me so easily lately. everything's perfect and wonderful one minute, the next i just want to curl up and cry. i've come close to breaking down a few times already today, and the day's barely started. great.
however, right now i'm doing alright. it's amazing how good it feels to sit down with someone and talk. it doesn't even have to be seriously, just a nice one-on-one conversation, smiling and laughing and supporting each other. i just don't do well in large groups - it's these close relationships that i thrive on. but, well, there is a good side to large groups. no pressure to keep it interesting. a sense of safety because you're not the only other person to talk to.
i've been wondering a lot lately about what's going to happen. in the next week, the next month, the next year. i have this horrible feeling of dread that i'm going to lose my friends. my friends are what keep me going, and the thought of them not being around anymore scares me. i know i used to be afraid of rejection, being forgotten or abandoned. that does still scare me, but not as much as the idea of losing the people i trust the most. what would i do without tuey, without steph mo, without josh, anna, elaina? i need these people, even if at times i forget about them. i need them to fall back on. where would i be if i didn't have someone to turn to?
poor steph tuey. i think i might be driving her insane. i keep writing her notes and leaving them in her locker, or giving them to her at lunch. they're completely pointless, just me writing what happened the other day, what i'm feeling, or what i want to do someday. i don't expect her to write back, and she doesn't. it's just something that i do when i need to write, and it's good to know that i'm keeping her in the loop. i just don't know if she cares or not. lately i just haven't had any time at all to talk with her, to see how things are going. and also, i'm preoccupied with trying to fix other parts in my life.
today i watched a movie about anorexia and bulimia. it scared me. the things people will do to be considered beautiful, to be accepted. it's true, like every other girl, i do have an issue with my weight. but that scares me. these people say they started their problem at 17, 18. could i ever get so self critical that i'd do that? i say no now, but how do i really know? it's impossible to tell. ... i figure, as long as i still have people in my life who truly care, who i know care, i should be alright. i at least hope so.
come on, get your hotdogs! look at the size of this one! it's the whopper of weiners!