moneen - are we

missinglunchbox: my dad came in and started a huge conversation about religion
missinglunchbox: and basically tore apart every insecurity i have with myself and who i am and who i'm becoming
antisocialguy156: o god
missinglunchbox: and now i'm shaking and crying and hyperventilating and have no self esteem left
missinglunchbox: and it's nothing he did, nothing at all.
antisocialguy156: wub da chelsey
missinglunchbox: just bringing up the subject brought up all the doubts i have with myself, and there's nothing he can do to help me feel better about myself.
missinglunchbox: so.. yeah. i feel like shit right now, thanks.
antisocialguy156: well :::hug:::
missinglunchbox: and even talking to you hurts because you don't even know where i'm coming from
missinglunchbox: you and stephanie and brandon and everyone. not a single person i know ever seems to even consider these kinds of conflicts, between what they do everyday and what they're expected to do based on their beliefs.
missinglunchbox: everyone seems to have rejected christianity and they're okay with it. i can't do it. i can't live with myself the way i am, i can't do more than what i do now, and i can't turn away from it either because i don't even know where else to go or what else to do or even why i'd want to change who i am.
antisocialguy156: chels you are fine the way you are
antisocialguy156: and i know i cannot relate but ill try
missinglunchbox: maybe. but i could be better, right? i am a christian and i believe in the bible. and based on what the bible says i'm not doing enough. what you accept me as is something that won't live up to the other people who believe what i do. i'm not a good fucking christian. and i don't want to be either. but i can't accept that. because it's been ingrained into everything i am that i have to do these things.
missinglunchbox: that's why i don't like the idea of fooling around with someone just for the hell of it. i can't do that. i could do it with someone in a relationship, someone i care about and i'm expecting to be around for a while.. but if there's nothing behind it then it just feels wrong, and sick, and cheap.
antisocialguy156: chels most people don't actully know wtf they believe till there atleast in there 20s or 30s, thats when everyone i know has become whom they are weather its rejecting or embracing their religon
antisocialguy156: so do most people
missinglunchbox: but if i don't do anything, just wait until i'm in my 20s and 30s then i'm not going to want to be a christian.
missinglunchbox: i want to set it aside and deal with it later but i can't, because if i ignore it then it'll die and i'll lose it.
missinglunchbox: and it'd just be luck or divine intervention or whatever if i just happen to have a moment later in my life when i'm reminded of this way i feel now and go back to the lord.
missinglunchbox: i can't just trust that i'll be called back when i'm older. but i can't completely devote my life to one thing right now when i still don't even know what else is out there.
missinglunchbox: i know it's right but i still want the experiences. i don't want to close my life off to something new, even though i know what i have right now is the right way to go, for me.
missinglunchbox: and it's okay cole, you don't have to try to talk to me about this. there aren't any fucking answers.
antisocialguy156: the don' t totaly devote your life to it
antisocialguy156: shit all the people i know that are christan go to church and youth group but they don't let it rule there lives, its a thing they believe in nothing else
missinglunchbox: and i don't go to youth group or church
antisocialguy156: tehn if u feel so bad aobut not being a good christan go a few times
missinglunchbox: what they do is what i call hypocrisy. how can you go and say all this shit and then leave and live life completely differently?
antisocialguy156: yea
missinglunchbox: no. i don't want to be like that.
antisocialguy156: chels to me its sounds like your real confused right now so jsut take a breather
antisocialguy156: for me
missinglunchbox: of course i'm fucking confused.
antisocialguy156: i know
missinglunchbox: i've been confused for years