wow. what a long, painful day.
it started out okay. went to church, felt excited to see liz later. then it got worse. i was bored and tired during the whole service. i started thinking about travis. it really started to hit me when i was waiting for my parents to get to the car, and i ended up breaking down in the middle of lunch. not in front of them, of course, i just begged for the keys to the car and started sobbing the second i walked out of the restruant.
it's horrible. that's the only way to describe it. there's nothing worse than losing someone you know, someone you love. maybe travis and i weren't the best of friends, maybe i did lose touch with him over the past couple months, but i still cared. he was still my friend from camp, the boy i went to the banquet with. the boy i wrote letters to constantly the first summer we met. he was so nice, so sweet and innocent. he was always someone i could be honest with, someone who i could trust. and now he's gone. i'll never hug him again. i'll never get in another water fight with him.
travis was ready to leave, though. at least that's what julie told me. i know he's in a better place, so much better than if he were still here and sick. but that doesn't change that he's gone. i kept finding photos of him while i was with liz, and it hurt to look at them. you'd never guess he had a brain tumor.
anyway, other than that i can't quite get over losing travis, i had another talk with brent today. about michael. it hurts so much to listen to someone who's opinion matters more than almost anything else, make me feel like complete crap. i won't go into details about it, but it hurt. i'm okay though. it was also nice, too, to know that he cares enough to talk to me. and he said something that will make me feel better no matter how horrible it ever gets. that when he goes to college, if i ever need to talk, to feel free to call him.
now, see, that's been my biggest worry this whole time. that when he's gone, it'll be two years of me, all alone, wandering around the house with no one to talk to and nothing to do. knowing that i'll still be able to talk to him - that he'll want to talk to me - makes me feel so unbelievably relieved. i know you're thinking i should've known that i'd be able to call him already, but i didn't. unless he said so, i didn't know. for me, i know i'll hate it if my parents call me when i'm at college. how should i know if brent feels the same way about me, huh?
so that made me cry too. guess i'm just having a crappy day, huh? no, it gets better. i saw liz, and it was great! i missed her so much. we walked to 7-11, got slurpees like in the old days. walked around and goofed around and just had a good time. we got some mud facial mask stuff from her house, then put it on over at my house and took turns blow-drying each other's faces. it was hilarious! i've missed her so much, you have no idea. we probably won't be as good of friends as we used to - we've both changed too much, and i don't want to be a bad influence - but it'll still be nice to have someone to call up when i need to get out.