i had a really interesting dream. i was a single mom who left her home and her friends and family behind and went to some run-down big city slums. i moved into a nasty apartment complex that was more like a hotel. i got a job, i think as a journalist or something. anyway my baby.. he was so cute. just the most adorable little baby you've ever seen. he had the baby chub, and he was in one of those yellow fuzzy footsie pajama things. aw, so cute! (i think i've been around babies too much lately) so the big plot of the dream... well it wasn't much of a plot. the really sexy mysterious hunk of man meat from my office lived in the same apartment complex as me, only i was completely clueless. i was just taking a walk when i heard two guys yelling at each other.. he was one of them. and he came out and saw me and something happened, i dunno, i woke up a little after that.
it felt good to go to church today. i really like the sermons they've been giving us lately. this past week i've done things that, well, have opened my eyes. i'm more aware of what this "ideal life" i talk about would be like if i had it. i know i talk to steph a lot about how we could enjoy life and still be good people. but i've realized that we're really just making excuses, trying to find where the line is and how much we can tug at it. find out what we can get away with. i've noticed that i can get away with a lot, but that doesn't mean i should. i know how i want to live my life now. i know what i'm missing out on, and what i'm not. i want to be that nice girl who people feel free to talk to, who's nice and kind and doesn't judge. i know there are things i'm going to have to change to be like that. but i don't mind. sorry to sound christian now, but that's what i am and i don't want to be afraid to talk about god. i've been praying a lot lately. and i mean a lot. whenever i get the chance i pause and talk to god. i'm asking him to help me, to give me strength and to also forgive me for the things i've done. i should've listened before. it shouldn't have taken the actual experience to know that, well, he was right. anyway, i know better now. that's what matters, right?
so i'm going to try to turn my life around. i'm not giving up completely on my friends, no! but i'm changing my personality, my attitude. i'm going to be positive, i'm going to help people and try to be a good influence in people's lives. i like being able to talk to my mom and not have to think about censoring what i'm saying. it's a nice feeling.