cure - boys don't cry

it is so easy for me feel bitter without any reason at all, it amazes me! i was sitting around relaxing after work, i'd been home maybe five minutes? the parents both came home all at once, my mom was like, "chelsea, here's what i want you to do." i was lying on the couch and listened to her with the blanket over my head, trying to block it out. "get the mail," wince, "feed the dog," groan, "and give your mother a hug because i haven't gotten one in a while," sheepish grin as i pull the blanket off my head. then she starts going on about how proud she is of me, that i'm working so very hard and i'm not giving them any trouble (like i used to. she didn't say that but it was implied.) and as nice as it was to hear that my parents like what i'm doing these days, it just filled me with disgust for myself. i'm tired and stressed all the time - i hardly ever smile or laugh, and rarely talk to anyone besides the usual crowd. my room is a mess, my mind is a mess. i can only get so much done in one day before i crash and my brain fizzes out. and then, instead of going to bed at night, i stay up until 2 am reading these damn books. i'm gross, dirty... i really need to get things together, look around and take all the opportunities i can find. but i don't.
i'll be going swimming in an hour. i need to find goggles before then, or something? hm. and what to do until then?