everclear - heroin girl

i'm so tired, i don't know if i'll be able to do this whole thing justice...
as i was driving back from the supermall, i think i finally experienced what i've been deciding to do for a long time. shoulders back, chin up, spine straight. face the world and don't let my own doubts change the way i want to present myself to the world. i don't know exactly how it happened, but i was getting into one of those self-doubt moods... when it stopped. i didn't care anymore. i know i'm not really the horrible person i think i am. i know other people (with a few exceptions) don't see me like that either. i can be proud of who i am, and if i can't, then i can start being proud now and prove myself along the way.
my whole view of the world has shifted. i'm actually seeing people now. i'm realizing that beyond wondering what a person's story is, there actually is a story. the girl sitting next to me in history might actually have the same concerns about herself that i do about myself. once you get past the criticism of a person's looks, attitudes, personalities... there's a whole life, experiences and opinions, injuries, accomplishments and losses that have added together to make them who they are.
it's a strange thought, that maybe i've been going about life the wrong way.
if you have a problem with me writing about this, tuey, just let me know and i'll take this part down. there aren't any details, though.
to everyone else, the conversation i had with tuey today is what changed everything. stephanie has always been my friend, this crazy, psychotic girl who doesn't let things effect her, who doesn't give a shit what the world thinks of her. i've never been able to imagine tuey being unsure of herself, thinking like i do, that maybe she's just bullshitting herself.
but after today... it's like, that invincible, untouchable image of her is gone. the surprising thing is, it's not a bad thing in any way. she seems real to me now. she's not just tuey. this is stephanie, my friend, a girl i've known for 4 years now and the entire time, really had no idea. it's hard to explain this.
steph, i admire you. completely and totally. unlike me, you don't just go blabbing every last detail of your personal life. you're talkative and friendly and sometimes it's hard to get you to shut up, but somehow the details of what you've really been up to slip by. it's like... i don't know. you're strong, independant. it's like, besides just not liking being touched physically, emotionally, you're completely beyond the reach of everyone else. you're definately smarter than me in countless ways, but i knew that already... this is just proof, again.
anyway. i guess the whole point of this thing is, i'm taking a new approach to life. shoulders back, chin up, spine straight. look people in the eyes and smile and care. forget my problems. we all go through enough shit on our own, we don't need to hear about the aches and pains of another person's life. it's okay to share something serious. but it's hard to care about someone who's tired when everyone else is, too.