cure - high

i've been physically and emotionally stressed all week, tired and just plain.. unpredictable. it's like pms without the cramps or the impending bleeding.
i woke up around 10 this morning and did the 4 mile run i was supposed to do yesterday, and i feel better about my commitment. and guess what! the old running man that lives near brandon was in his truck at an intersection - he honked at me! i felt so cool after that - the running man was giving me encouragement! i feel like i've now been accepted into some secret running society, even though i'm just a small-time wanna-be. but it was still cool.
on friday, there was this huge ordeal with my mom and i. i admit, i did mess up. but i fail to see why her rules are so important. my mom.. is from a different generation, obviously. her values are far different than mine. where my life revolves around living and enjoying, trusting and loving, her's is based on... well, respect and manners and, what, propriety i guess? the idea of sitting out on a roof with a friend at 3 am trying to find falling stars while talking about what we want to do with our lives sends chills down my spine. the thought of someone walking in the front door without knocking first sends chills down her's - the kind of chills that come when someone's breaking into your house and killing your children in their beds. so, basically, we have very different viewpoints on what's important and how to deal with problems in life. where i wanted to get out of the house and find comfort in the people i know and care about, she insisted that i was "too emotional" and the best thing to do would be to stay in the house, surrounded by reminders of exactly why i was upset. yeah. believe me, it didn't help at all. however, my savior, ryan, talked to me for several hours and we got into some very deep discussions, and ultimately it was him who made me feel better.
then all day yesterday was spent trying to explain to my parents what i've been going through, without any success. i've started reading mere christianity (again), but hopefully this time i'll finish it. i got out of going to church with them tonight, but while i was talking to my dad about it last night, he took my hand and prayed for me.. and you know, it's times like then that i really hate my life. i hated who i've become, i hated what i'm doing to myself. and promptly, as soon as i woke up today, i've been sucked back into the usual world, and that feeling of remorse and repentance from last night is like a distant memory, something i can recall feeling at one time but can't get myself to feel anymore.
so today, around noon, i agreed to babysit for michelle, which was very cool. at 4 i went over there and watched stuart little 2 with the kids, we wrestled and played with 30 year old authentic toy soldiers and plastic animals, and isaac is the most lovable kid in the world! he kept walking up to me and sticking up his pudgy little arms so i could pick him up and he'd give me a huge hug. and he sat eating his chicken with the biggest little kid grin on his face.
my piercings haven't gotten infected, but somehow they've gotten cut or irritated, and the top ones are all swollen up while the bottom ones are scabbed over. yippee.
however, brent might be coming home next weekend?! my mom just came in and mentioned that briefly while she was giving me the sales pitch for the sunday night sermons at the church. brent might be coming home! i hope so. i miss him so much.
i was thinking while i was running, about something brenda said to me yesterday. that i can't really blame my parents too much for not noticing how unhappy i am sometimes - apparently i do a really good job of faking it. she said that i always look happy - that until we started talking, she'd honestly thought i was. which is a good thing, right? i mean, that's what i want. i want to look happy. i don't want people constantly asking me what's wrong, since i can't seem to come up with any specific answer. but looking happy still isn't enough - i want to feel it, too.
so, around noon, tuey came over to clean my house. i was watching the history channel when she came in, which made me feel like a complete nerd, but oh well. it was interesting. it made me want to watch mash. i felt exhausted soon after she got there, and fell asleep for about 3 hours. i hope it wasn't too awkward for her to be cleaning my house with my family running around. i was dead to the world.
i need to go clean my piercings now, though.